Cinema Etiquette

I watch alot of movies. Well, I watch movies alot, over and over again. Wait, I'm getting off-track. Anyway, I frequent the local cinema on an almost regular basis. Even the retarded chick (I'm sorry, mentally-challenged broad) that takes the tickets knows my name. I enjoy spending my hard-earned $6.00 (I hardly ever pay full price for anything) watching a movie that may or may not suck. But, there are some people out there that may ruin it for me. Sometimes I feel like the universe is out to ruin ALL of my fun. In the effort to change the world to more of my liking, here is my next installment of my lessons of etiquette. I. Thou shalt not bring small children to a horror movie. They can never finish the movie due to accidental wettage of the garments. Also, if I hear someone screaming bloody murder, there better be a bloody murder. II. Thou shalt not attend a late-night movie if you are under the age of 18. You annoy me when you ALL get up to piss or talk on the cell to someone you just saw ten minutes before the movie started. And yes, I am getting old. III. Thou shalt not sit within viewing distance of a man (namely me) and his date. By viewing distance, I mean if my date dislikes the movie and chooses to 'occupy' her attention elsewhere, you shouldn't be able to see her do it. If you happen to turn around and get a glimpse, keep quiet so not to mess up her concentration. IV. Thou shalt not stare at me and bitch to your friends when I comment on or talk to the movie. Its a part of the entertainment experience, deal with it. Stop with all the dirty looks, you are not better than me. Stroking the ego by laughing or responding is encouraged. V. Thou shalt not get pissed at me for checking out your girlfriend when she passes by. Sometimes I sit at the front in the handicap seats to spread my legs. I will look at her as the air conditioning combined with her tight baby tee overcomes her shyness, and you will deal with it and go sit down. VI. Thou shalt not sit directly behind me unless you are forced to. It just feels weird, that's all. VII. Thou shalt not expect me to be quiet during 'The 20'. It is not part of the movie, so if I want to discuss a sexual experience out loud with my friends, I will not adhere to such frivolous rules. Tell your kids to cover their ears. VIII. Thou shalt already know what movie they're seeing before the front of the box office line is reached. I'm usually late enough as it is. IX. Thou shalt not view a sequel before viewing the first installment. All the questions you have about the story and characters can be answered with two hours of DVD viewing in the privacy of your parent's basement. X. Thou shalt not put their feet over the chairs in front of them if they are in a three seat radius of me. Even if you're a 5 foot Asian chick with size 3 feet and they smell like honey, I don't wanna see them unless you have your panties wrapped around them. One day they will post these rules at the box office and concession stands, just to be ripped down by me because I don't adhere to such rules.