Lessons in Lying

I don't believe in lying. I figure that I'm a grown-ass man and I don't have anything to hide or be ashamed of. I am the most honest person you'll ever know, so I expect the same from others. Every now and then, however, a question is asked where lying becomes a necessity. I was thinking about the uses of truths and lies and came up with some guidelines that we all should go by. I gave you lessons in urinals, nakedness, and cinema; now here's a lesson in lying. I. It is ok to lie about your age so you can drink alcohol, unless you are under 18. For my sake, and anyone I may know's sake, save everyone some trouble and let us know you're jailbait. II. When a girlfriend asks you for an opinion about her looks, always say something positive no matter how big her gut looks. When any other girls asks, give her the cruel honesty of a five year old. "What do you really think about me? You suck at life and your scoliosis makes me dizzy. III. When given the opportunity to incriminate somebody, either lie or keep your mouth shut. If they were good enough to get away with it, don't ruin it for them. Rats sleep with the fishes. IV. Lying and sex go hand-in-hand. Questions involving size, quality, "Will you call me?", and "Did you cum already?" all demand lies or exaggerations. Although, never lie about birth control. Ever. Or your period for that matter. V. Only lie to protect a friend if they would do the same for you. In such a case, always do it and without hesitation. Kinda like breathing. VI. If someone asks you if you'll promise to keep a secret, don't say yes and then tell everyone. Same goes with friends. Although, if someone asks you to keep a secret without a promise, say yes and tell everyone. There are no secrets without promises, which explains celebrity sex tapes. VII. Here's an easy one. If you're lost, lie and say you're not. If you need directions, lie and say you don't. You always know how to get there. VIII. Always lie to save your job. Face it, you need money. Lying will make sure that you keep getting money. Don't lie to save someone else's job. Your job may be put in danger, and that will stop the money. Lie for money. IX. What did you do to it? Nothing. Always nothing. Or you don't know. You never know. You don't know what happened, because it did it on it's own. X. Keep every lie alive. Deny, deny, and deny. If you give in once, you will always be a liar...liar...you have slacks that may or may not be on fire. Oh, and... Yes, they are real. Yes, I've done this before. No, I don't know who drank the last beer. No, I'm not cheating on you. No, I've never had sex with her/him. Yes, that is all I have. Yes, the check's in the mail. Oh yeah, it's fucking huge.