Where would men be without...

The Pinch-N-Roll Probably the greatest discovery in man-history. Ever wonder how men got rid of itchy balls before the pinch-n-roll? For women who don’t know, a pinch-n-roll is just what the name says. Rather than dig our fingernails into the most sensitive part of our body or shove a co-worker’s pencil where our future leaders of America come from, we merely pinch a little scrotum skin then roll it as if it were the world’s smallest joint. This one move has saved us from embarrassing trips to the ER and kept us able to reproduce. “What’s wrong you ask? I have blood running down my legs mixed with millions of my would-be future high school dropouts.” Fruity Alcohol No real man regularly drinks these things. One every now and then when someone else buys doesn’t count. The reason why they’re so great is because girls get drunk off of them. Your average girl doesn’t get trashed from beer too often, but she’ll drink till she pukes if it tastes like a Jolly Rancher. And everyone knows a drunk girl is a fun girl and a sober girl is a dull girl. Sluts Let’s be honest, getting laid isn’t all that easy for most of us. Unless girls are just throwing it at you, we still have to work for it. Sometimes harder than what its worth. That’s why we should be thankful for sluts. Not the ones you pay for, just the ones that have lower standards than community college and are more open-minded than brain surgery. They require minimal work and they're just as fun, if not more fun, than an average girl. Without sluts, 75% of us would have lost our virginity five years later than we did if at all. God bless them and the clubs they hang out in. Big Rims It sure as hell beats sticking your head out of your car and yelling, “I’m cool and I have disposable income that I would love to spend on you.” Hip-Hop Videos In the 70’s, men had to be a professional dancer to approach a girl at a club. In the 80’s also, to some extent. When hip-hop became mainstream in the 90’s, girls wanted to do what the strippers did in the videos. Women nowadays shake their ass like there's something stuck in there while we get to just do a two-step until nature rises. The songs even come with explicit instructions to help us out: “Bend over to the front, touch your toes.” “Shake it like a salt-shaker!” “Skeet skeet skeet skeet!” “Now make it clap!” Way better than: "Do the hustle!" or "It's electric!" Phonebooks in cell phones When I was in high school, I had a pager. I had to look at a 10-digit number and remember whom it belonged to. I kept a friend/girl directory on my dresser to decipher these numeric combinations. After I graduated, I had this big Zack Morris phone with an LED readout that showed me the number I kept misdialing. I would frequently lose numbers and potential hook-ups. Now I can scroll through my cell’s phone book and not only recall a number wherever I may be, but I can also store a corresponding picture to remember if she was hot or not. Sports Without sports, we’d all be murderers. Too much aggression and adrenalin going to waste to just be sitting there watching the OC. The middle finger Sometimes we’re just too lazy to come up with a clever quip to insult someone, so we just flip them off. Sometimes the driver next to us or in front of us has their windows rolled up, so we just flip them off. Without the trusty bird to flash, we’d have to come up with more effective ways to express our anger when words won’t do. Throwing heavy objects would probably do the trick. Oh, and girls seem to like the many uses of our longest finger too. Cosmopolitan Magazine How boring would sex be if women didn’t know “Ten ways to make him scream” or “His secret G spot” or my favorite “How blowjobs and losing weight prevents cancer”. Beef BBQ’s would not rock as much as they now do if all we had was chicken and sausage to burn. Blockbuster Video How else besides a one-legged, blind, pirate hooker could $4 cover an entire date and almost guarantee sex? Porn Yes, porn. But it's not for the obvious reasons. Because of pornos, women now are more open to: swallowing, threesomes, role playing, deep throating, breast implants, watching more porn, and whatever kinky things your perverted mind desires. Just another thing that keeps sex from getting boring. Give me time, I'll think of more...