Drunken Etiquette

For my next lesson, I will teach you how to act while you're drunk. I know this is hard (that's what she said......I'm not funny), but you'll remember this later if I tell you now. I personally can't adhere to these rules (its not in my nature), but those who can't do, teach. In every group of friends, there are the ones that hang out frequently and the ones that hang out sparingly. If you're one of the sparingly ones, you're probably a really annoying drunk. Or you smell funny. Or both. Regardless, I'm going to give you a set of rules to abide by to make you more enjoyable to drink with. 1. This is an important rule. Don't act more drunk than you are. It's annoying. We all know you're lying for attention. It sucks. This is only permissible if you are trying to get someone to take you home in an non-cockblocking way. Don't do it to stop someone from getting laid. Just don't. It's hard enough to hook-up without you updating us on your drink count or showing us your infected heroin scars. Which brings me to my next rule... 2. Don't cockblock. Just don't. If your friend is talking to someone by themselves, don't join the conversation. They end up losing focus at the task at hand and instead laughs/curses at you uncontrollably. That usually makes the other person wander off or lose interest in the conversation. Kinda like an Alzheimer's patient. So yeah, don't do that. 3. Don't drunkenly hit on a sober friend, man or woman. You will either a) be viewed as really gay in a very gay way or b) permanently ruin any chance you had with that girl (or guy, if you are a girl) you've been eyeing for the past couple weeks/months. When a drunken girl tries to hit on me when I'm sober, it instantly turns me off. Unless she's being all touchy-feely. Then I welcome any advance she wants to make. I'm a shameless whore. 4. Don't talk on the phone all night to your pissed off girlfriend/boyfriend. You already knew the consequences of going out drinking when you left home, so deal with them when you return. I hate asking, "Where's so-and-so?" and getting a, "Talking to you-know-who." in return. Either break up with them or train them better, because we have a game of pool to finish. 5. If you're a guy, watch the drunken nakedness. Its all fun and games till the dick makes its first appearance. No one wants to see it, including most girls. You're like the first 10 hours of CNN after 9/11; we don't like what we see, but we can't turn away. You'll be known as that guy who always gets naked and then you won't be invited out anymore. The exact opposite is true for women. 6. Don't spray beer everywhere until the drunken host does it first. The host being the owner of the home or the bartender. After the host goes for it, have at it. Just try to drink some first, then aim chest level at anything that bounces. 7. If a friend cuts you off, stay fucking cut off. We do this to keep from having to hold your hair back or keep your pants on (for women), or to keep you from passing out or puking in our car (for men). You obviously don't know when to stop, so we tell you when. We're like that restraining order your ex has against you, we keep you from doing anything dangerously stupid. 8. This is for the girls. Don't hate on another girl for having drunken fun. You will never be invited out after that. If she wants to be all slutty, that's her business. Next to a wandering finger, it is truly the most annoying thing a woman can ever do. That and teasing, but I already wrote something about that. 9. Don't start a drunken brawl over a stupid reason. Your friends will have your back if the fight is worthy, but will laugh at you if its something stupid. I can't think of an example, so I'll just say it's a judgment call. This call will decide if your weekends are made up of marathon Halo sessions or drunken greatness. 10. Don't be that guy who talks to everyone at the bar while they order drinks. If you don't know me, then hey. If you do know me, then how's it going. If you don't know anyone in the entire line, don't try to talk to every single person in said line. It's kinda creepy. You should sober up and go home to make up with your wife, because chances are, that's the reason why your currently trashed. If one of my friends were that guy, I'd immediately call him a cab, then pay the cabbie to drive as far as possible. Its sad really, so don't be that guy. I'm sure I left some stuff off, but these are just what bothers me. All that really matters is keeping my drinking experience as fun as possible. So follow these simple rules and enjoy your night so I can enjoy mine.