Making a mockery of the judicial system. Day 1

I guess its fair to say I don't have a great deal of respect for the justice system. When they say everyone is due a fair trial, they really mean that shit. I was pulled for jury duty back in March. Due to some scheduling conflicts, I had to postpone it till October 9th, Columbus Day. I figured they'd be closed that day and I could put it off some more. I was mistaken. Here's how my first day went: I've known about this date for 6 months and I still didn't find my bus route to Seattle until 3am that morning. I live about 25 miles away and parking is ridiculous, so the bus is the obvious choice. I woke up at 5:30am to drive to the park & ride and catch the 6:30am bus to get there at by 8am. Sounds simple enough, right? Turns out I waited for an hour at the wrong bus stop. Oh, I was pissed. I was, like, "fuck this shit" and I went home. "What's the worst that could happen?" When I got home, I figured I'd call the office and plead my case to see what they could do. I was looking for the number when I came across a web page where a guy was going on about how he was sentenced to 10 days in jail for ditching jury duty two times in a row. I quickly decided that jail was not an option (or a fine for that matter) and I ran out the door to find the Transit Center. I caught the 7:45am bus and reached Seattle at 9am. I must have entered every judicial building before finally finding the correct one at 9:30am, an hour and a half late. Fuck. I'm going to jail. Turns out, state workers do their job about as fast as...well, government workers. Being late was not a problem. I didn't enter a courtroom until 10:45am. The first day of your jury summons is like the first day of 10th grade history. So much so that I wanted to go hit on the hot new freshman until I realized the youngest was 53. We spent the first couple hours making sure everyone was there and explaining all the rules and guidelines. The judge should have just handed out a syllabus and had our parents sign it. It would have went alot smoother. "Hold your number up if your answer is yes to any of these questions." I sat on my number for all but two questions. Then we took an hour and a half worth of lunch break. Only the state government would have lunches as long. I took advantage and toured downtown Seattle for it had been a while since I've done so. I came back to finally hear questions from the lawyers, who have been sitting there with their clients the entire day smiling and scribbling on notepads. I chose not to participate. At all. For almost 2 hours, all I did was make weird faces at the dumbest answers the future jurors would come up with. "When you mean 'criminal trials', does that count drug charges? Because I have been involved in one of those trials." These two guys were going to be tried for a serious crime and all these fuckheads could do is tell humorous stories about how they catch their kids lying and how indecisive they were at the dinner table, and then laughing out loud about it. I had no idea crime could be so funny. At this point I was beyond bored and I started playing with my tongue. Before we got too comfortable, we took another fifteen minute break. They ushered us into another courtroom where I took a good fifteen minute nap on one of the benches. When we rejoined the court, I was just going on to someone about how I haven't said anything all day when they called my number to speak. I stood up, introduced myself, announced my number, and had a conversation with the defense attorney that went a lot like this... Defense- Juror **, earlier today you were the only one to say 'yes' to question 32. Me- Which one was that? (I knew which one) Defense- The one about having a prior bias about this case. Me- Oh, yeah that was me. Defense- Care to explain? Me- I'm a little bias to the 'victim' (Oh yes, I used fucking air quotes). Especially if its a girl. That's just who I am. I sympathize for the female victim. And from what you and your colleagues have been leading on to so obviously, I take it these two men are accused of kidnapping and raping a hooker. I'm going to go out on a limb and say they're probably guilty. They're sitting here for a reason. Something happened. Defense- Excuse me? Me- Don't get me wrong, if the evidence doesn't hold up, then they're innocent. I'm not a bast...bad person. I wouldn't convict them unless the evidence was sound, but I'm gonna start out the trial assuming their guilty. Defense- Really? The law states they're innocent until proven guilty. Me- I know. If they're innocent, then they'll be innocent. But I'm assuming they did it. Defense- (turns around) Ummm, Your Honor? Can we clarify this a little? Judge- Prosecutor? Prosecutor- (turns to me) Let me get this straight. What would your verdict be if we deliberated now. Me- Like, right now? Before the actual trial? Prosecutor- Yes, right at this moment. Me- Oh, they're guilty. If I had to call it right now, without hearing witnesses, they're definitely guilty. (mixture of laughter and gasps from the crowd) Prosecuter- (PISSED) Your Honor? Judge- You're excused. Me- Right on! Judge- Please don't be so excited. I did end up getting picked on Tuesday though. Karma fingered my butthole for acting out on Monday. I went to great lengths insulting both plantiff and defendant but these assholes opted not to oust me as the prior judge did. Oh well, due to legal concerns, I can't go any further until next Thursday when I'm done. Late Wednesday Edit: People are still talking about my outburst on Monday. It has made me quite famous amongst the jurors in the courthouse. November 1st Edit: I talked to my mother for the first time since this happened and she told me about a story a co-worker told her the other day about his jury duty experience. He was telling my mother about my outburst without even knowing I was her son. FUNNIEST SHIT EVER!!!! Day 2 --->