"Well, the thing about facials is..."

I had a conversation with a female friend of mine the other night at the bar. She told me she didn't get the whole 'facial thing' that guys like to do. She went on to say how gross it was and how pointless it seems and she couldn't understand what's so great about it. I felt it was my duty as a man to break it down for her. I had a few drinks, but I'm sure this is pretty close to what I told her: "Guys have their thing and girls have their thing. Its different, but its the same. Its all about a mental stimulation because, honestly, it really doesn't feel any different if we cum in or on you or anywhere else. Its all mental. It lets us know that you care about pleasing us. Just think about me taking you out on a romantic night. We go to a nice restaurant and have a really great meal. Maybe your favorite. We possibly see a movie that you've been wanting to catch for over a week now. Afterwards we would take a quiet stroll along the waterfront and take in the scenery and the sea air while we hold hands. Real romantic shit, right? When we were done there, we would go to a hotel room or whatever and there would be candles fucking everywhere and rose petals on the bed and the whole nine. I would give you a massage and kiss you on your neck and your stomach and whisper things in your ear like how sexy you are and how turned on I am. It would be something you would absolutely love and you'd talk about it with your girlfriends for days to come. Then we'd have sex and at the end I might just bust all over your face. I did something for you that lasted several hours that I probably didn't care for and you did something for me that lasted 5 or so minutes, depending on how long it takes before you decide to clean up, that you really don't care for. Its all about pleasing each other. Even if it was as simple as me eating you out. I enjoy doing it because it's fun for me, but I don't get off on it. But I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for you. So don't be so fucking selfish." If I could go back in time, I would have also added this: "The same goes for swallowing. Its not like its human waste, excrement, or whatever. Its a byproduct of sex and it makes babies. Think about how we stick our tongue inside you. INSIDE you. There isn't anything else on Earth I stick my tongue inside other than maybe your mouth, and that's only if I like you. Then think about all the foul shit you swallow in a week's time. Like maybe blue cheese or black licorice or your mom's cooking. So what's the big fucking deal? Besides, worrying about where I can/can't shoot it can really ruin my orgasm. That's like telling you right before you 'go' to keep quiet because my grandmother is sleeping in the next room. You might as well tell me to hold it, run to the downstairs bathroom, and 'finish' while the toilet is flushing. That's not hot. Just do what he wants you to do, then make him lay in the wet spot in return if it makes you feel any better." Now I'm not saying women need to always take a shot off the grill or swallow babies every time she has sex. I'm not even saying she ever has to do it, ever. It's not a big deal and most of us couldn't really care less about it. It's pretty much a dominance thing anyway. Just be open to it. ...or if you're really kinky, ask for it.