Being a better me, as if it was even possible

So I'm on this new fasting thing now. Not fasting from food, that would kill me. Fasting from things I don't need in my life. Temporarily anyway. Trying to be a better me and what have you. Here are a list of things I am giving up/doing for an undetermined amount of time..... #1-Porn. And everything along with it. I REALLY need to lay off the porn. It was never a problem, just an obstacle. Besides, "porn is bad for the soul." May be the reason why I look at every woman as an object for my pleasure rather than a subordinate like I should. #2-Alcohol. I'm not giving it up by any means. Just seriously cutting back. No more one or two drinks here and there. I'll just be drinking (heavily) on special occasions. Special like the opening weekend at The Track, holidays, birthdays, and Tuesdays. What isn't special about a Tuesday? Well, I may get a good buzz if a girl asks me to come out. Wouldn't want them to get drunk by themselves. #3- Going to the gym. This is one of those things I'm beginning to do. I highly recommend it, especially if you want to get rid of the "tit-rack" or the "tool-shed." I feel like a new man afterwards and an old man the next day, but its worth it. Its also cheaper than sponsering a Third World kid or going to a bar. For just pennies a day (or the cost of 4-5 drinks a month), I can save my liver/dignity. Its really all about me in the end. If you want to work out and its 11pm or so, call me. #4-Less TV. More movies. Ever see my eyes glaze over when you're talking to me? It's because I stopped listening ten minutes ago. I have an insanely short attention span and a bad short term memory. If it didn't happen on last weeks episode, I don't remember. It you don't keep referring to the topic of the conversation, you've lost me. Hence the me-never-answering-the-phone. While you're telling me about your day, I am clipping my toenails or eating a granola bar. I figure watching more movies will help me learn to pay attention. We'll see. #5- Eat better, and more often. It kinda goes along with the gym thing. More fiber, more vitamins, less grease, no fast food. I'm hooked on these vitamin waters now. And ginseng tea. Stanima is thru the roof now. You know, for those long nights.....at the gym. More veggies (I'm 24 now, and I still call them 'veggies'), more fish and chicken, no pork, less frozen meals. I'm not a health nut. Not even close. Although I do eat oatmeal every morning for the past 2 years. When I die, it won't be from motherfucking heart disease (a car crash, no doubt). Out of all of these, my quest for eating healthy may fail. I feel good about the porn thing. I have the will power of a 16 year-old in an empty 7-11 at 2am, but I believe I can manage.

Where words go to die

So I was watching some post-Oscars thing the other day, trying to see who was the best dressed (most whorish, but still classy) woman there, and I noticed something unsettling. As these three over-paid bitches and two Brokeback-loving "fashion" experts were breaking down Jessica Alba's barely-there dress, they referred to her earings as 'bling'. I am making it official right now, 'bling' is no longer cool to say. It hasn't been since about 2002, two years or so after B.G. (southern hip-hop artist for anyone who doesn't know) made it a popular name for diamonds. When urban slang is being used by newscasters, grandmothers, really bad songs (Ya, ya grill, ya-ya, ya grill), and dumb fucks on the E! Channel, it becomes null and void and no longer becomes a useful word. Slang originated as a way for slaves to communicate to each other w/o the whip-crackers catching on. They used the slang to create songs to signal upheavals and escapes. In recent history, it became an ever-evolving language to be able to talk about things and events and not have any authority figures (namely police), or just anyone "not in the loop", understanding whats really going on. Slang really never becomes unpopular, it just dies out when everyone on the planet knows exactly what it means. (Kinda like when guys talk about women's body parts at work, and we use made up words to refer to them. Then when any passing girls or supervisors learn what they mean, we come up with something new so we don't get caught.) Nowadays it's just a way to be creative with the language, and unfortunatlely, sell to the consumer. Anyone who has seen any McDonald's, ringtone seller's, or check-cashing store's (with the breakdancing, Shrek-looking cartoon) commercial knows this. If you listen to hip-hop music, you realize with every new wave of regional popularity comes new slang. From ATL to Houston to The Bay (where alot of it started anyway), we get whole new ways to talk. Then when the entire country is saying the same thing (remember the izzles and the heezys?), a whole new batch springs up from somewhere else. Hey, there's nothing wrong with coming up with your own slang. You alway have that to fall back on. **Side note: No new slang will ever come from Seattle b/c, as a region anyway, we are the most unoriginal and uncreative group of people in the United States. We look, act, and talk like everyone else we see on MTV and BET. Sad.** What I'm trying to say is, stop calling all jewelery 'bling'. Try shine or ice or sparkles or something. They should still have some good months in them. Unless Matt Lauer refers to Katie Couric's earings as one of those. Then it dies like so many erections do at a Madonna concert. Or a WNBA game. Or a retirement home. Or 10 minutes into a porno. Or after passing through the Oxygen Network. Or the Oprah Show for that matter. I got a million of 'em.

Let me Donkey Punch you, and I'll love you forever

Not seriously. That's some disturbing shit. The point is......I secretly want my own personal whore for a girlfriend/wife. Let me take that back. I want a woman who is strong and independant, but understands who I am. Who understands I need to be selfish and ignorant sometimes and etc. Kinda like the wife of a mob boss (I've been watching alot of The Sopranos lately, so bare with me). She is there for me to be my partner in life and all, and when she finds out I've been with someone else (not that I would), she just raids my wallet. Sure I'll catch some shit, but as long as I don't wake up with a gun in my face Goodfellas-style, we'll both by happy in the end. I'm a good man, she should forgive. As long as other's don't know about it. No one likes to be embarassed in front of their friends. I'm not condoning cheating on someone. That makes you a bad person. There should just be a little extra give-and-take. Don't get me wrong, I'm not speaking from experience or anything. Nor will I impose this on the next woman in my life. But it should be like this, to an extent. She'll be well taken care of and treated like the queen that she will be. This is all while the king is out with the jacks and aces (I know nothing about royalty obviously) ravishing the wenches and maidens. I always wanted to use the word 'ravishing', now I have. It doesn't have to be all about sex either. It's just about whatever I want. Secretly, I'm a selfish guy. Is it wrong to want to be happy? I've always said that I do whatever I want and its her job to like it or not. And I'm honest about whatever I do, good or bad. I learned to keep that thought to myself now. The last girl I told that kinda took it the wrong way. No shit, huh. Every relationship I've been in, however, I've always treated the girl/woman like she was the only one in the world (if you disagree, keep it to yourself so my little speech doesn't get discredited), mainly because she treats me like the only man in the world. Or at least I'd like to think so, on both accounts actually. This blog should not be used against me in some future arguement with former or future girlfriends. For entertainment purposes only. All rights reserved, whatever that means.