The bitch at the movies

So I was at the movies this weekend. I decided to take my little brother to see X-Men 3. It was a really good movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it because I’ve seen the prior two. Although, this is one of those franchises that enable you to miss the original and still get by on 2 and 3 to follow the story. If you miss the second, however, you’re totally fucked. There was such a girl sitting behind me. I have no problem with talking in the theatre. I do it constantly. I like to comment on ridiculous scenes or cheer on the good/bad guy. I get really into movies, even if the movie is awesomely bad. I yell out things like, “You can do it! (In my best Rob Schneider voice)” or “Just fuck her already!” or my favorite, “Pussy! (when some guy is crying)”. Sometimes I obnoxiously laugh at the most awkward times too. I really can’t help it. Some people hate that. Her talking was not an annoyance to me. But obviously she had not seen the prior two movies. I’m guessing her comic book loving, Saturday morning cartoon watching, nerd of a boyfriend dragged her. Maybe I’m giving him too much credit. He’s probably the older brother or the male friend who’ll never get the ass, no matter how much he buys for her. She had no idea what was going on. She kept asking random questions about every character in the fucking movie. Even the extras. She was lost and not having an entertaining experience. Kinda like when a younger sibling joins in on you watching a movie that you’re about an hour into, then attempts to play catch up by asking you ever question imaginable, causing you to miss the good parts of the movie. That is annoying. Which sucks really, because if you’re gonna spend $8.50 (each) on a movie, plus $8 popcorn, $5 candy, and a $7 coke (none of which you’ll ever finish), you should have the time of your life. It’s the reason why I get in on the senior discount, stuff my pockets with $1 candy, and bring bottled beverages from home. ‘Cuz you never know how much the movie will suck. So I feel for her, but she was still annoying as hell. I blame the guy on this one though. Doing so goes against my huge male pride/ego, but fuck’em.

Urinal etiquette

No one likes public restrooms. Allow me rephrase. No one likes using public restrooms. Aside from ladies having gossip sessions or anyone having a random hookup at a bar/club, its not the nicest place to be. It should be your goal to keep to yourself and spend the least amount of time in there as possible. But not all people believe that. They seem to think its a place for socializing and utter disregard for other people's privacy and space. I'm sure its been like this for ages. I bet a neanderthal would get pissed if some guy strolled into his corner of the cave and grunt about his wife's overbite. Or even in the Old West when some guy would insist on telling about some other guy he just shot to some poor soul inside an outhouse. There should be rules set in stone for things like this. Biblical rules. If God (or whoever) summoned me to whatever mountain and set forth commandments for restroom etiquette, this is what would be on the tablets (or two-way pager): I. Thou shalt never use the middle of three urinals in an empty restroom. With three or more urinals, you should always first use the furthest/closest from/to the door and work inward, alternating spots until there is no other choice. II. Thou shalt always flush the urinal after use. No one wants the possibility of a stranger's splashage. However, it is not necessary to flush the toilet. Hilarity will ensue when the next patron uses said toilet. III. Thou shalt not conversate with a man with his dick in his hand(s). It is only permissible if a) you came together/are good friends or b) both are drunk. IV. Thou shalt not start a conversation while sitting in a stall. However, it is permissible to give input on an existing discussion. V. Thou shalt not initiate any physical contact. The one and only exception is if a buddy is passed out on the floor. But said buddy shall be laughed at by numerous people before revived/removed. VI. Thou shalt always share tissues/paper towels upon request. Common courtesy is always appreciated and shall be rewarded with a beer if the establishment serves alcohol. VII. Thou shalt only puke in the sink in a case of emergency. All other instances are reserved for the toilet. In addition, if a person puking in the sink is discovered, they shall be ridiculed for the remainder of the day/night amongst friends/patrons. Never in front of authority. VIII. Thou shalt not interfere with a restroom hook-up. Anything in addition to a short peek must be invited. Camera-phone pictures are encouraged. IX. Thou shalt not wipe nose findings off on the urinal wall. This is inexcusable when a tissue is with-in ten feet of your current position. X. Thou shalt ALWAYS....alwaysalwaysalwaysalways....wash your hands before leaving the restroom. With soap. "I know where my dick has been" is never an acceptable excuse. If this has to be explained to you in any more detail, you obviously ate too much paste in pre-school. If I were President (which I should be), this would be law. If I was Moses, I would have scribbled the time-period equivalent on the back of those huge pieces of stone. If I was the Pope, I would work this into my Easter Mass, then bang-out my weekly nun. I guess some of these can be used for the women's restroom too. I really don't know what goes on in there besides talking, make-up application, and the occasional tampon change.

So much for sobriety...

Attempting to better myself physically and spiritually, I stopped drinking about a month ago. It was going well. My bank account was at all-time highs and my fear of driving home was non-existent. I was even still able to go to the bars and pound glasses of water, while being called creative names for parts of the female anatomy of course. This past weekend was no different. Why is it when you don't want to drink, everyone offers to buy you one? After I eat and drink water, I watch everyone drink beer and shots of tequila. I feel like a vegetarian at a 4th of July BBQ. Sometime after that, someone announces that they're buying a round. My balls descend and I say, "You know what? I'll do one. Gimmie a shot of Jack." One down. A group of girls that my boy knows is in an adjacent booth, accompanied by their boyfriends/possible hookups/losers paying the tab. "Hey! We should all do shots!" Jack Daniels goes down like so many girls I know. Two down. Far be it from me to freeload off my friends. Sense the sarcasm? "It's my turn!!" I buy a round of shots and beer chasers. Three and four.....all within an hour or so. Two 'aged' women start hitting on us. Well, when I say hitting, I mean annoying. And by aged, I mean saggy, PTA members. Another goes down, unfortunately not one of the ladies. Five. And maybe six...I don't remember. After a drunken rampage at our place of employment, we recruit fellow co-workers for an impromptu party. Luckily they have beer, because we decided to drive rally-car style through residential Auburn and we missed the 2am deadline for alcohol purchase. We eventually get to where the 'party' was with 10 or so people in tow. I start off double-fisting Coors Light. I HATE Coors Light. Seven and eight. I decide to not mingle with the hot girls and instead throw the dog's chew toy at their feet. No one cares. Nine. More people show up, but they can't get in the gate. I go to help, but first I need a beer. Ten. I'm not any help, since I'm too drunk to remember the pass code. I'm back in, I hit on a girl who obviously is not feeling me, and I decide to join in on a discussion on mortgage rates. Yeah, I have no idea whats going on. "Is there any beer left?" Eleven. After numerous spilled drinks (none by me surprisingly), the party is over and I take upon myself to shut off the music and clear everyone out. I don't live there, but I do it anyway. I also to take it upon myself to decide who can drive and who can't (basically the two that passed out). I am not the right person for this job. Maybe twelve? I get to stay because I'm cool....and I could blow a 0.20 or so. I think my drunkenness peaked at around 6 or 7am when I trip over a small dog who found his way in my blanket and I befoul the hallway bathroom. I was probably at about 0.27 or so, seeing I couldn't navigate my way back from the bathroom. I figured I can puke my way to sobriety. And I be damned if it didn't work. Once I was able to open my eyes (20 minutes later), I went back to bed. The dog didn't think it was a good idea to join me this time. Woke up a few hours later just to walk a half mile or so back to our cars. Got home, and didn't leave my couch until 10:30pm or so when I felt it was a good idea to eat something. I thought maybe this was the reason I stopped drinking. Oh well, quitting is for quitters. Oh, and I'm buying a breathalizer to have actual BAC to report next time.

The girl that got away...

It's an over-used cliche, but it seems to hold true. When you're in your mid-to-late twenties, you start thinking about what could have been or what should have been. You start thinking about bad decisions and just all-around mistakes you've made in previous relationships. Wondering if you rushed things or didn't, saw things for what they weren't, didn't see things for what they were, or rethinking what you thought was a good idea to not being such a good idea. When a relationship ends for reasons other than relationship problems, those are the ones you wish you could do over. Those are the worst break-ups. The ones that neither of you could do anything about. Whether it be a misunderstanding, one of you had to move, or you were just at different times in your life. That is 'the girl that got away'. The girl that you've moved on from, but never really got over. You wish you would have met a few years later, then maybe it would be different. You wonder if it wasn't for -fill in blank-, you'd still be together. Nothing that tears you up inside, but it occationally makes you wonder, "What would life be like if things were like they had been?" I have such a girl. Or had such a girl, as it were. Two actually. One of them doesn't really count because she was the 'high school sweetheart'. Most everybody wonders about that one. "What if we met 5 years later....we were only kids." Nothing more than that. She happened to be a little crazy. So its more like, "What if she wasn't so crazy." I do actually wonder that. Regardless for what happened, she's still the ruler I use to measure others against. I don't know why that is. The scary part: Only one girl has surpassed that yard stick. This other girl is truly the one I wish I still had. She was close to perfect. Which basically means for me, I never got a chance to find something petty to despise (its in my nature). Circumstances dictated that what we had couldn't continue, which sucks, but what can you do. There's nothing that I could have done that wouldn't drastically alter my life and there was nothing she could have done that wouldn't screw up her future. What was best for me was...well, her. What was best for her wasn't necessarily me. Its just how life works. Some things are bigger than the two of you. Which you have to understand and then move on. If you don't, it'll eat you alive, which is never good. That goes for anything really. If you dwell on the bad, the good passes you by. I'd rather dwell on the good and have the bad pass me by, but that's not how it works. The fact that I've dedicated this much time to type it out is bad enough. Against my better judgment, I did it anyway. I still like to think if we see each other in a couple years, once again single, sparks will still fly. Wishful thinking I guess. So I moved on, but never got over. It seems to be the guy thing to do. Women have this thing in their DNA that enables them to effectively erase (emotionally) any guy that she's had any type of relationship with. I can see how that can come in handy at times like these. A man can be completely in love with someone, married even, but when he sees that 'girl who got away', the feelings are still there 100%. Women seem to believe the guy they are with is always better than all the ones before. So their current boyfriend is always the best ever. Our current girlfriend is just a shadow of 'the girl', and we secretly measure the two together. Sucks for them. But really us.

Crisis of Faith...

I wasn't raised in a church nor instilled with any type of beliefs. My grandmother has an important position in her church as does my grandfather in his church. My mother was raised in church, kinda. She was in high school at the end of the 70's, so imagine "That 70's Show", but more realistic. So growing up, I was sporadically told half-assed things about being a Christian and what-not. So any morals I value or any beliefs I have, I developed them on my own. My beliefs are more of a combination of religions rather than one, recognized religion. I take what makes since from each one and cancel out what doesn't. I'm quite the open-minded person. As I do this I realized some things as of late... Christianity is a fairly fucked up religion. Christianity is one of few (if not the only one) that the whole belief system is based off of fear. Hell is that fear. They want you to live a good life, not because its right, because you don't want the 'eternal lake of fire'. You don't go to church, you go to hell. You don't believe in God, you go to hell. You go see The Da Vinci Code, you go to hell. In the later case, you're more likely to go to 'heaven' if you murder 8 people outside the theatre rather than remotely believe the story is possible. You know, because our God forgives murderers. As does Allah (depending on who you ask), Zeus, and the leader of your local cult. I also find it funny that people still take the Bible in a literal sense. There is a big difference between a leap of faith and believing we all came from some guy named Adam and a bitch named Eve. They eat some apple and all of a sudden they notice each other is naked, and the sinning commences. Sounds like shrooms to me. Am I to believe after 50,000 years, God rears his head and decides to have his one and only son to die for our sins? I tend to think things are a little more fucked up now, so where's our savior? If we were to get one, no one would believe him/her. If someone claimed to have done the same things Jesus did, we'd condemn them. People turn water into wine all the time, they own wineries. If you're walking on water, its frozen. If you have the power to heal, you're a doctor. No one worships these people. David Koresh (he was a little nuts though) was terminated. Joan of Arc was burned alive. L. Ron Hubbard is ridiculed. I personally think they are fakes, but who really knows. I think God would be a little pissed if we kept killing his offspring. The killing in God's/Allah's/whoever's name is ridiculous too. No one ever kills in the name of Athiesism or Buddah. When a mother killed her children in the bathtub, she said God made her do it. 'Not my God!' everyone one Earth said. Wasn't he vengeful at some point? Also, Jesus is NOT WHITE! He was born in Israel, not Alabama. People were so gullible 2-3000 years ago, there's no reason to still be. As I mentioned above, I like to take a little from each religion. The similarities are the easy ones. The majority seems to believe in some sort of spiritual transition after you die. I find comfort in that. There are the heavens, the paradises (with the countless virgins), nirvanas, utopias and this thing called limbo. I'm leaning towards reincarnation. Wherever you go (if anywhere) has to fill up eventually, and I'd hate to live a good life and be kept out due to some heavenly fire code. Everyone seems to have that one guy controlling everything. God, Allah, Xenu, and so on. What I like is all religions have that one guy, or profit as they like to be called, who spoke with their respective god of choice. Jesus to Muhammad to Buddah to Moses to fucking Joseph Smith. They're all so different, but still the same. In the end, they all just want you to live a good life, which is what I try to do. I'm coming to realize it doesn't matter what I believe or who I believe in, as long as I live well and stay happy, I'm doing ok. I'm reading up on Taoism currently. Its all about achieving personal happiness. A little selfish maybe, but it works for me. I have not studied theology, nor am I an expert. I may be inaccurate, which is why I stay open-minded rather than dwelling on one set of beliefs.

Teenagers and buttsex...

I read this thing on the internet the other day about the rise in sex among teenagers. I see this headline every year because, well, teenagers have more sex these days than in my day. As well as I did than, say, the 80's. So it's nothing new. The fun part of the article wasn't the amount of sex these kids are having, but the kinds of sex they're having. Here's what I mean... More and more girls are giving their counterparts oral sex now. Which is great, if you ask me. There should be more oral sex in the world. There should be a fucking class requirement for it. Its GRAND in this case because that's less and less teenage pregnancies occuring. "Good" girls can preserve their virginity by taking a guy behind the bleachers and bruising the knees. I was lucky enough to see this trend flourish when I was in high school, and even junior high. The easy girls of the school would take guys in the bathroom on dares or what have you. It was a good time to be a guy. Nowadays its become as common as kissing (I can't wait til these girls turn 18). Bill O'Reily wants to blame rap music, which I find hilarious. Does that mean if there was no hip-hop, there would be no head? I would like to think country music would step up and make it popular. If girls are giving blowjobs because 50 Cent likes blowjobs, then that's their own problem. The moral of the story: Girls are learning early how important the blowjob is, and I applaud our schools for it. Makes me happy to vote for those school levies. My taxes are going to a good cause. Girls in high school are having anal sex now, too. I thought the only kids doing that were either gay, abused, or on the football team. When I was in high school I would have never thought to put it in a girl's ass. I'm still not really into it. I'd rather ride the Crimson Tide over the Hershey Highway any day (except for Monday, that's anal day). I had this friend when I was a senior who felt the need to tell me her boyfriend likes her third input. For a few months after that, I could only laugh when I saw her. Once again though, less and less dumbasses are reproducing. I'm happy about that. Although, isn't convincing a girl to do it half the fun? If these high school girls are prefering the back door, they're taking away from the adventure. Its gotta be funny to see 6-7 girls in first period sitting funny or walking funny to school because she had a little 'rear entry' before school.. I swear, if I date an 18 or 19 year old that says she's a virgin.....but has had anal sex with 5 guys, I can't be held responsible for what I say to her. But it will be extremely funny/demeaning. Butt-sex does not keep you a virgin, but it does make you fun to be around. All in all, its gross to think of teenagers having sex. Now that I'm older anyway. The last time I was happy that a 15 year old loves to give blowjobs, I was 16.......ok, 17. I just hope these girls can stick to it into their early to mid-twenties. If only gangbangs were popular, that would be a news story. It was popular to pass a girl around, but the all-at-once train never really caught on. They do have these 'rainbow parties' though. These sound fun....and contagious (in an STD kind of way). Girls who do this are truely pioneers and have a bright future in porn or office management. Something to think about: Will the vagina ever come back in style? Or will it fade away like the handjob?

'Tis my favorite time of the year

I love springtime. for many reasons, really. it's just a great time to be alive. everyone has their own reasons for loving specific seasons. winter for snow and......snow-type stuff. fall for football and the leaves and what have you. summer for the lack of school and the heat. i love springtime more than the rest, and here's why: the sun is finally here. i AM not a big fan of being cold. coldness is over-rated. i like being able to go outside to check the mail in a wife-beater and boxers, even though i usually wear sweatpants. the sun just feels good. most importantly, cleavage makes its first appearance of the year. my focus tend to shift in the spring to the chest, as opposed to the ass. in the winter girls will wear sleeves or jackets or whatever, but still wear the tight pants that command my focus. girls are in such a rush for attention, they've been buying skimpy clothes since february. not quite warm enough for the little pleated skirts that i like to see, although some brave the cool breezes. i applaud them for that. they are the true heroes of america (not really). the nba playoffs are underway. basketball is, by far, my favorite sport. i love playoff time because there is four games a day, back-to-back-to...you get the point, from the time i get off to the time i should be sleep. i never have to leave the couch. i get really into it too. there's alot of yelling, clapping, calling Kobe a rapist, and so on. from the end of april to the end of june, eveywhere i go better have the game on somewhere. and finally.... springtime is the time for new love, even if you're already with someone. this is the time of year when women tend cheat on their boyfriends. i enjoy taking advantage of that. it makes me smile....in my pants. its REALLY all about me is what i'm saying. i'm not saying all women cheat, but when they do, its usually in the spring. they choose not to wander when its cold because they are constantly at home and they need someone to be there with them, along with their insecurities about the winter-weight they just put on. in the springtime, they can finally leave the house comfortably and have some out-and-about fun. its a part of nature or something that everyone's extra horny this time of year. probably due to the influx of skin showing or the endorphins the government add to the drinking water (you know, more sex-to-more babies-to-more workers-to-more soldiers, its a conspiracy). the moral of the story is (b/c there's always a moral).....i like basketball, sun, and half-naked women. no shit? that, and i'm extremely BORED.