UFC (MMA) is gonna be a top five sport.

Football, baseball, basketball, NASCAR (ugh!), and Mixed Martial Arts. My title may be as unoriginal as a FOX reality show, but its still true. I’m not saying anything new, by any means. Its been said about MMA (mixed martial arts) for the past chunk of years, but its really been taking off in the past two years. The bump in the popularity is from the newly, and hugely, successful UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). The UFC is the dominant league for MMA that was once struggling but now had become an emerging powerhouse in sports entertainment. The recent rise is mostly due to rule changes and weight classes that were finally implemented. I guess the gorey massacres weren’t that great to most before or something. I liked it. A little bleeding never hurt anyone (nevermind). Now with the Ultimate Fighter reality show and their contract to show fights on the Spike cable network, they finally have the exposure they needed to reach the masses i.e. me. Speaking as a new fan, I was never into only being able to see the fights on pay-per-view. Being on cable lets me enjoy them weekly or bi-weekly thanks to the anal-raping I receive from Comcast Cable every month. If you ask any right-wing, hardcore conservative, they’ll tell you it the devil’s work. Your average person who doesn’t consider themselves a fan may also agree to some extent. Remember though, they said the same thing about football a while back. “Its too violent!” “Think about the children! Won’t anyone think of the children?” Now even soccer moms are organizing (and winning) neighborhood Super Bowl betting pools and hosting parties. The Super Bowl has become the new reason to own a TV for the first two months of the year and has eclipsed baseball as our new national pastime. Take that Pat Robertson! Eventually they attacked boxing. They cried about how brutal it is and how dangerous it is for the health of the fighters and the innocence of our children. Then boxing eventually rose to a point where a man can make 20 million dollars to knock somebody out in 90 seconds while people paid $60 to sit on the couch and watch it. It’s true when they say that any publicity is good publicity. The same goes for MMA. It’s on the cusp of something great, and now I’ll be watching. **Side note: I didn’t bother to acknowledge pro wrestling due to the fact that it’s all staged and scripted. It's only good for T&A now anyway.** Admittedly, there is no real point to this post. Just watch it if you don’t already. I just happened to be watching UFC's Ultimate Fight Night on Spike and it got me thinking. It’s a shame these fighters aren’t all millionaires yet. They’re forced to get repeated beatings and hock nutritional supplements they might not even use and only a few good ones may get six figures in a year. The place kicker that misses 25% of the field goals for your local football team makes more than that. It’s only a matter of time before the millions roll in. If you bleed him, they will come.

Fat girls and red flags

Almost every man will bang a fat girl in his lifetime. Whether she’s big-boned, chubby, heavy-set, or pregnant; they’re actually good at what they do, believe it or not. There’s no shame in it. Call it an untapped (literally) resource. Plus, there’s T&A galore. And in the end, that's what it's really about. One day a few years ago, I got hit on by these two girls in a hospital (yes, a hospital) parking lot (red flag #1). It was this girl and her little, fat (red flag #2) friend. In her defense, she had a cute face. Hehe. So I was like whatever, exchanged numbers, thought nothing of it, and I went about my day. About two weeks later, I had something set up that was abruptly canceled. In attempt to salvage my day, I did a quick search through my phonebook and I came across the fat chick’s number. Knowing I could hook up that very same day, I called her. This went on for a week or so before I grew bored of her coming to my place, so I went to hers. She lived up in Hilltop, which is the shittiest neighborhood in a 60-mile radius. It made my late-night booty calls sorta dangerous. This one night I went over there, I thought I was gonna get carjacked. Although when they found out whom I was coming to see, they smiled (red flag #3) and we started bullshitting. I strolled up to the door and was greeted with Kool-Aid. Yes, red Kool-Aid (red flag #4). That’s what I call being a good host. After ten minutes or so of boredom, I figure I need to do what I came to do and be on my way. As I ushered her 16-year-old brother out of the house (I use the term ‘house’ loosely), he tried to sell me some weed, then said we should kick it sometime. He wants to hang out with the stranger that is banging his older sister while his friends watched through the window (red flag #5). Needless to say, that was the last time I called her. I went beyond my limit of red flags that night. I ended up calling her friend from then on. Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with being a little overweight. So please refrain from the hate mail.

Etiquette for Nakedness Expectations

Something occurred to me this past weekend. Some people just don't understand how things in life work anymore. Parents can't teach their kids everything, and the schools get yelled at for not following the lesson plan. I guess most things can be chalked up to life experience, but how much of life do you have to experience before you learn the simple things that make society run smoothly? Its up to people like me to teach the world one lesson at a time. In continuing with my lessons of etiquette, I present the ten laws for the etiquette of nakedness expectations. When I say nakedness, I mostly mean the revealing of any sexual body part and the fun that is involved with it. Hopefully this will clear up any future confusion between harmless flirting and a potential hook-up. Appearantly, some women are unaware and I'm here to enlighten them. I. If a woman comes to a man's place after closing out the bar, and it's not for an after-party; it should be known that there will be some sort of nakedness expected. II. If a woman is invited over to a man's home to watch a movie, but without indication of what movie specifically, it should be known that nakedness is expected to be an ending result. III. If, at a party, a woman is taken upstairs by a man on a 'tour' of the home that ends with the bedroom, it should be known that there will be an expected attempt at nakedness at the conclusion of the tour. IV. If a woman is involved in a drunken conversation about her breasts, it should be known that eventual nakedness is expected of her for a visual aid. V. If, in any social event involving alcohol, a woman removes articles of clothing, it should be known that nakedness is expected of her best friend also. VI. If, at a party, someone brings out a video camera, it should be known that for any girl being shot for more than five minutes, some sort of nakedness is expected of her. Then, of course, her best friend as well. VII. If, for any reason, a pornographic movie is being played for a group of people without objection, it should be known that nakedness is expected from the women for comparison purposes. VIII. If a drinking game breaks out at a party, it should be known that it will eventually become a stripping game where guaranteed nakedness is expected. IX. If a woman allows a man to grab at any part of her body repeatedly, then it should be known that nakedness of said body part is expected in the near future. And most importantly... X. If nakedness is insinuated/promised at some point during the day/night, it should be known that nakedness is not only expected, but lack thereof is considered a dealbreaker. I hope these laws will prevent future 'misunderstandings' for everyone, including myself.

We need our soldiers

I keep reading in the paper about soldiers refusing to be deployed to Iraq. I keep seeing soldiers on the news refusing to take a second tour through the Middle East. I read today they’re making a movie called Stop-Loss portraying a soldier defying a request to re-enter the war zone. How are our enemies supposed to fear/respect us when our own soldiers refuse to follow orders? In Roman times, they would label you a deserter. The Romans killed deserters. The Roman Empire also collapsed. So go figure. Granted, our reason for fighting is morally bullshit. We’re there to protect our interests. Our economy is driven by oil and having dictators or warlords in control of it can only end badly. So of course our president would think attacking liberating a couple of countries would be a good idea. It protects our future oil and his friends’ future businesses. His employees, on the other hand, think otherwise. So I guess they have a good point when they say they want to stay home. I support their decision from a moral and personal standpoint, but on a professional and patriotic level, I strongly disagree. My question is: Don’t these men and women know what they’re getting into when they sign up? It’s mainly the reason I don’t sign up, but that’s another story. It doesn’t take a genius (or maybe it does) to know a soldier’s main job is to fight whenever called upon, no matter what the reason. A lot of the wars we’ve fought in did not have a direct link with us. Fighting the Germans was the best thing to do in WWI & WWII, but it wasn’t actually our fight. Vietnam had good reasons, but it wasn’t our fight. So why are these people surprised by our involvement in Iraq? It has nothing to do with us; except for they have oil that we will eventually need. You can’t believe the government will give you schooling, a guaranteed job, and a signing bonus all for ironing a uniform and a little training. You know what’s in the job description when you are hired with any job, so when your boss tells you to do something job-related, you know it has to be done. It’s like being a janitor and refusing to clean shit. Sure it’s a dirty job that no one wants to do, but you receive a salary so you can do such a thing. Suck it up or join the Coast Guard. I see a larger problem coming from this. The more deserters we have, they fewer soldiers we have. The fewer soldiers we have, the more vulnerable we are. Wait, there’s more. The more we fight pointless wars, the more people don’t want to join the military. The more people don’t want to join the military, again, the more vulnerable we are. Needless to say, I don’t like where this is all going. We may be fucked. When we actually have to fight, there won’t be anyone to do it. It’s like crying wolf. This doesn’t go for an American invasion of course. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to say that every able body will protect our own land when needed. However, will we have able bodies to fight the next Hitler? Will our soldiers want to fight a dictator that is conquering helpless countries like Napoleon did? We need our soldiers. We need to have our military seem like a desirable job. Right now its not. They can’t even get high school dropouts to enlist, and they have nothing better to do with their lives. It’s only a matter of time before someone takes notice and takes advantage. Or maybe they’ll have pity on us like we do with Russia. My point of this rant? I hope this deserter problem we have is only a phase and our soldiers still want to fight when we actually need them.

Door-to-door salesmen have no soul.

Door-to-door sales is the worst, non-hazardous job on earth. If you’re desperate for money because of kids or debt or just not having luck finding work, then go for it. But to enjoy such a job, you have to be completely soulless. Dead inside. I don’t care how good you are. I don’t care if it comes naturally. If you’re so good, sell used cars; I’d have more respect for you. And my respect is what’s most important. I can say this because I’ve been on both sides. I’ve been bothered by kids selling newspaper subscriptions, grown men selling random shit, and whores-in-training selling cookies. I’ve also been a struggling student and had to take on such a job. Kinda. Around the end of 2001, the economy was shit and the unemployment rate was higher than a stripper before she takes the stage. I could not find steady work. I did temp work and I did work-study at the college, but that wasn’t paying for any of my books. I found an ad in the school paper for a marketing job opening. You’ve all seen the ad. “Marketing/Sales: No exp necessary. Willing to train. Possible 13.75/hr. Blah Blah Blah.” I should have known better when I saw the ‘No exp’ and the key word ‘possible’ (if your pay is only ‘possible’, your job sucks). I really needed money for books, so I scheduled an interview. They told me to wear a suit and tie. They should have told me to wear a jogging outfit and some comfortable shoes. I interview really well and I’ve often been offered the job at the end. I’ve never been asked to start the same day. I was officially an ‘advertiser’, which is bullshit talk for salesman. Apparently, it didn’t matter how much we sold as long as we got the word out. Obviously there would be no compensation for lack of sales. It was all downhill from there. When the person who I was supposed to shadow all day shook my hand and flashed a smile that included a gold tooth (one of the front ones no less), that downhill slide turned into a cliff dive. To his credit, he was a nice guy. He just loved his job more than he should have. Soulless. We carpooled with an even more enthused and soulless ‘advertiser’ along with his partner, a really attractive woman who wouldn't talk to you unless you drove something German that didn’t start with V. I was given a quick overview on our ‘product’ in the parking lot. I was ‘advertising’ coupons for some spa that no doubt gave out happy endings. Unfortunately my day would have no such happy ending. We started by hitting a local business crawl. Coincidently, near where my ex-girlfriend lived. I prayed she was already at work. I trucked along in my nicest dress shoes (I’m talking church-worthy) keeping count of the blisters that formed/popped while dodging puddles. I followed this ass into a hospital, law firm, and any other business where we could see a receptionist through the window. I guess he saw the ‘No Soliciting’ signs as invitations. Talk about degrading and boring. I got to the point where I would sit in the waiting rooms while he pitched his 'product' to an obviously annoyed receptionist/nurse/businessman. This continued until lunchtime (3pm or so) when we met with our fellow carpoolers at the local mall. Not one to miss opportunity, my partner decided to bug every fucking store there. I mentally flipped him off, then got some food. I snuck away and called everyone in my phonebook, hoping to find someone to come save me. My mom laughed and everyone else opted not to answer. Fuck you all. I guess my day wasn’t over yet. Our next stop was Brown’s Point. It’s an uppity (read: upper-class) neighborhood where the doors are made for basketball players and the cars in the driveways have kilometers on the dials. Not the place for a black man and his mixed trainee. Luckily, we didn’t get shot. We did, however, set our culture back 4-5 years. It got to the point where I would stand back and motion our victims not to buy anything and to slam the door. My partner wondered what he was doing wrong. I told him it was getting dark. He said to define dark. I was going to refer to the back of his mother’s neck, but I bit my tongue. After logging countless miles on my church shoes, we finally met up with our assholes with the car (by this time, I had enough of everyone) and we drove back to the office. I somehow kept smiling as I told the hiring manager how horrible her job was and I could never do this nor wish it on anyone I hated. The celebrating of the high seller that evening was drowning me out before she finally caught on to my frustration. Soulless cunt. Never again.