Underwear: The Great Debate, Men's Edition

I figured after breaking down panties, I would give men's underwear the old college try. Boxers Who doesn't like to hang freely? Sure, readjusting every so often gets old after the fourth time, but I feel its worth it. That, and its the only underwear that doesn't look stupid with designs and patterns. You can have cartoons or a funny sexual saying on them like "Prize Inside" or "Check your blood alcohol. Blow here". Who they're for: Teenagers, men who walk around in their underwear, and your run-of-the-mill gang bangers. Boxer Briefs Do you want comfort without the wedgie? Boxer briefs are for you. They hold your fun parts in place (if you're into that) and limit awkward 'demonstrations' of your potential. Plus, if you're the type to wear you pants a little below the waist line, you can pull up your pants without the danger of pulling up your underwear and causing personal injury. Selling point: Chicks dig it. Just keep the colors simple and solid. Who they're for: Suit wearing professionals, playground athletes, and anyone who bases their wardrobe on the opinions of women. Briefs When I wore these in junior high, I sometimes felt my thighs wear gonna fall off from lack of blood circulation and my dick was dangerously close to breaking through the cloth. Prolonged wear usually ending up in some riding up in certain crevasses. That was unpleasant. The only positive I see is for those in the awkward stages of puberty. When a spontaneous 'event' occurs, everything stays relatively controlled. Plus, they're called tighty-whiteys. Why anyone would wear anything with that name is beyond me. That's like wearing shoes that are called 'shit-kickers'. Wait... Who they're for: Old men, little boys, the unimaginative, the self-torturing, and fat kids. Bikini Briefs Think tighty-whiteys, but more flamboyant and borderline gay. Who they're for: Guidos, weight-lifters, gay mobsters, and those with controlling (but kinky) wives. Man-Thongs The banana hammock. The perma-wedgie. Why a man would wear anything with his ass-cheeks hanging out puzzles me, but to each his own. I really never understood how the balls fared in these things. I hope to never know. Overall gayness. Who they're for: Strippers, Prince, The Revolution, Prince cover singers, pro wrestlers, men of the pink persuasion. Commando Nothing at all. Few dare to go such a route. We pay alot for these designer jeans and we don't want to funk them up. There's a couple rules to this though. First you have to be bare. Getting a pube caught in the zipper is NOT an option. Second, you have to be showered first. That's a given. Third, I think it only works for tight jeans, sweatpants, and pajama pants. Personally, I can't do it because of the zipperphobia I suffer from. Blame There's Something About Mary. Who they're for: Those who feel thongs aren't revealing enough, the lazy, or those who can't find their underwear after a booty call. Silk Boxers How can something that feels so good simultaneously feels so bad. No, I'm not talking about a blowjob from a girl with bucked teeth. I'm talking about those $15-20 silky underwear that seem like a good idea, but actually aren't for daily wear. Some advise: Avoid playing sports in them. Who they're for: Romantics, serial masturbaters, and (once again) men with controlling wives. Lady Draws Panites to be specific. People lie to themselves and say its a comfort thing. but it's not. There is something disturbing about a man who buys women's underwear, claiming its a gift, then prancing around their home singing Madonna songs. Sometimes a girlfriend/new wife will find it arousing for her man to wear her underwear around throughout a day. Just say no. Ew. Who they're for: WOMEN.