The highest I’ve ever been

Rule #1 for doing any drug... Wait, Rule #1 is to NOT do any drug, but if you do, then Rule #2 is: Never do it with people you’ve never met before. So I met up with some friends from high school a few years ago that I haven’t seen in years. One of which was my best friend in school (who actually wanted me to slang rocks,i.e. sell crack, with him at one point, which will end up being another story) and the other was just a good friend. We had a little BBQ going on outside since it was too hot to cook inside. It was good stuff. Then we decided it was boring and we headed to the bar. After a few drinks, they talked me into meeting up with these girls they knew. Far be it from me to turn down the addition of girls to any drunken night. When we met, the girls said they had the perfect girl for me and we had to pick her up from work. “Shit, lets go get her then!” We pick her up and head to their place where their cousins or something were kickin’ it. Then the fun began. In and after high school, I was a huge weed smoker. I dealt it some and smoked it heavily. Dealing didn’t last long because I would quickly go through my inventory. Not very economic. So whenever anyone whipped out a baggy and a box of cigars, I quickly stopped what I was doing and joined them. That included any girl I was talking to, which I did that night. I'm pretty sure we dragged her out that night anyway, so I didn't feel bad. Yeah, as if I ever do. The girl we picked up especially for me was left on the couch alone while all her friends were getting plowed. I was in another room with two or three other guys, trashed already, passing around a blunt. After 15 minutes or so, I was in my own little world. I looked around to see one guy with his head back and mouth open, and another guy with his head between his knees and playing the drums on the floor. A forty-five minutes later, no change. Then I blinked and found myself on the couch. Literally, my eyes closed and I was in another part of the house when they reopened. I looked to my left to see my ‘date’ passed out next to me. Then I blinked again and found myself on a chair behind the couch while two people are now on the couch. Then I blinked again and saw them gone. After a series of blinks and location changes, I decided that blinking was no longer a good idea, so I stopped doing it. I stopped blinking, I think. It felt like it anyway. During this whole time, those same two guys where in that room in the same position they were when I left. Yeah, this shit was not just weed. When my friends were done doing what they do, I told them I was ready to go. We waived at the crack heads next door (actual crack heads) on our way out. On the way home, I was told that I smoked weed laced with PCP. That must have been the reason why I was tripping and giggling all fucking night. Fuckers. I hate them now. I fucking hate them.

New Word: Molesterish

Molesterish (mole-estur-ish) adj. 1. To be similar to a person who inappropriately touches females 2. A word describing most of my friends Example: Some Guy: I was really trashed last night. Some Other Guy: Yeah. You were awfully molesterish last night too. Some Guy: Is that why your mom looked at me funny this morning?

Signs Of A Bad Conversation

Have you ever involved yourself in a conversation that you really wish you hadn't? Have you ever exchanged greetings with a colleague, only to be verbally offended and appalled soon after? Ever wished every exchange of words came with a warning before the inappropriateness commenced? They do, you just don't pay attention. Bad conversation openers: "So I was fucking my wife in the ass last night when..." "Ever been to a donkey show?" "I've had this itch all day..." "Does this look infected?" "Guess what happened to me at the doctor's yesterday." "Is the free clinic open on Sundays?" "My Mexican housekeeper is fucking lazy." "You'll never guess who's girlfriend wasn't with you last night." "What gets out bloodstains?" "I was on MySpace late last night and...." "Never drink milk at the beach." "So I have this colonoscopy later today..." Key phrases that signal you to just keep walking: "...then she turned her head and puked." "...my balls have hurt ever since." "...and so far, they haven't found me." "...it smelled really foul." "...then she stopped breathing." "...but I don't think it's contagious." "...and I've been walking funny ever since." "...and now my keyboard is useless." "...I guess 'fecal matter' would be a nice way to say it..." "...but I always thought the blood in your wrist was blue. I guess..." "...apparently you're supposed to slit them longways and not..." "...and now it burns when I...." "...and from then on, I've always used condoms." "...it hurts at first, then it feels good."

What's so good about a rimjob?

I frequently check my statcounter to see how people find me. It gives me an idea about what my little site is saying to the world and what subjects I seem to be the foremost authority on (according to Google). I've noticed in the past two or three months that I seem to be the final destination for a lot of searches about rimjobs. Rimjob etiquette, rimjob stories, rimjob, rimjobs, and finally giving one's self a rimjob. Pretty unnerving stuff. Its even more funny since I have no actual rimjob stories found anywhere on this site. There's just this one post that says I know of a funny rimjob story, but I didn't explain any further. For anyone who's never heard the term before (I'm looking at you Amish people...who don't have the Internet...to see what I'm writing), UrbanDictionary.com explains it best: Rimjob The process of licking the anal orifice of an individual who positions them self so that their ankles are place(d) behind their head/neck. or even better: Rimjob To orally stimulate someones asshole in a circular motion, probably feels pretty god damn good. I have never had my rim jobbed. I don't plan on it either. Mostly because you know once a person eats your ass, they'll always be talking shit. Tee-hee. But maybe I do need a good rimjob story. Since I seem to be the go-to guy for rimjob searches on the Internet, I feel I have an obligation to give up a rimjob offering to the public. It's really too bad that I've never been known to 'take one for the team', because there won't be any ass-eating done by me or to me. If anyone has a funny rimjob story, or just any rimjob story that doesn't conclude with a mess, feel free to submit one. I'm all ears...or eyes I guess. Oh, and just licking an ass is not a rimjob. It's a common courtesy. Like a reach-around. Some fun facts about rimjobs: When you see it done in a porno, 'actors' have had an enema before the scene. Most regular people don't. When you type 'rimjob' into MS Word, spellcheck wants to make it two words. No matter how long someone's been in a relationship, don't assume they've given their partner a rimjob. The word "Rimjob" originates from an Eastern European country in the late 14th century where eating ass was a civil service.

Word Of The Week: Half-Chubder

All credit goes to my boy on this one... Half-Chubder (haff-chuhb-dur) n. 1. To chubder halfway 2. A desperate attempt at drunken sex Example: I was too drunk for it to work, so I half-chubder for a while. Actual quote.

My Google Keywords pt 4

Jan. 30th friends let friends fuck gilrfriend- 15th (yes, he spelled 'girlfriend' wrong) lesson on lying- 2nd Jan. 31st daughter wears skirt so it's easy to masturbate when she wants- 4th (I'm never having kids) Feb. 1st I never use urinals- 4th maximum number of times a woman can cum- 1st (I'm guessing 7-10?) what makes you think there's a god?- 7th (I am NOT the person to go to on answers about religion) Feb. 3rd embarrassing drunk coworker hook ups- 2nd (if they only knew) how to make ex girlfriend go through pain for what she did- 2nd (scary) rimjob etiquette- 2nd (wow, I had no idea there were rules to licking ass) drunk girls puking- 10th (eww) Feb 5th great butt floss- 3rd sexy goldie locks and the three bears- 5th eyepatch panties- 52nd Feb. 6th the great panty debate- 1st native american girl gets banged at party- 26th (is that a hate crime?) fucking drunk sleeper- 21st (that sounds bad) give girlfriend rim job- 13th (what's the deal with people searching for rim jobs?) Feb. 7th cum in her panties and make her wear them all day- 2nd (memoriiieeeeeesssss) my first rimjob- 2nd Feb. 10th making girlfriend feel slutty- 2nd (what's better than that?) slam pig- 2nd (c'mon people, make me number one!) calories in masterbating- 5th (there's calories in masturbating?) Feb. 11th girlfriend lying birth control- 17th panty devil- 14th Feb. 13th how to get orgasimed?- 3rd (women seek me for orgasms) convincing my girlfriend to give rimjob- 1st my slutty high school girlfriend- 8th i don't want to feel slutty- 2nd girlfriend loves donkey punch- 6th (holy shit!!) valentine from psycho ex-girlfriend- 1st (that would be something)

Music To Fuck To

Haha. Greatest. Blog Title. Ever. I was going through my iPod playlists and I realized that I have the perfect group of songs for Valentine's Day. Download these songs, burn them or whatever, play them. If she's not pulling at your zipper by eight songs in, she doesn't want to see you naked. Or she's not into R. Kelly. But that can't be it, because EVERYONE is into The Pied Piper Of R&B. Enjoy. Music To Fuck To Includes: Bump And Grind (remix)- R. Kelly Your Body's Calling Feelin' On Yo Booty Honey Love Tp-2 In Those Jeans- Ginuwine So Anxious Let's Ride- Montell Jordan Making Good Love- Avant Get It Wet- Twista Feenin'- Jodeci Break It Down- Tevin Cambell Rock The Boat- Aaliyah Doggie Style- DJ Rogers All the Things Your Man Won't Do- Joe Slow Motion- Souljah Slim

Word Of The Week: Juelree

Juelree (jool-ree) n. 1. Precious metals and stones used to make you easier to look at. 2. An easy gift to please a woman. Example: On Valentine's Day, you can never go wrong with juelree.

Those Damn Girls Gone Wild Commercials

They have methadone for heroine addicts, they have the nicotine patches and gum for cigarette smokers, they have O'Douls for alcoholics, and they have Girls Gone Wild Commercials for porn addicts. Have you ever watched Comedy Central or SpikeTV between the hours of midnight and 3am? If so, then the GGW theme music will forever be in your head. You know the one that sounds like island music being played at a gay circus? Yeah, that one. These commercials are repetitive, annoying, filled with lies ("It's my first time!", and very arousing. It's like medicinal porn for porno addicts. The only thing blocking you from seeing full-on basic cable nudity is an 'uncensored' graphic (ironically) censoring some young 'co-ed'. It's a decent source of entertainment during the breaks of whatever garbage is on between The Colbert Report and Conan. It's bad enough you're probably home alone on a weekend night, after either coming home too early from not getting laid or staying in and not getting laid, and you have to see 18-22 (hopefully) year-old girls who'll you'll never get to have the sex with and who also supposedly have no idea this footage will be for sale and clips will be played every night for all of eternity. (<---Longest. Sentence. Ever.) It's all uncomfortable, unnerving, and hot at the same time. Kinda like a glory hole the weather in Alabama. Yes? I call for one of three things to happen. They can either a) Stop showing these commercials at night, 2) Start showing these during prime time hours, D) uncensor them, or Door #3, all of thee above. Regardless, its a great way to ease yourself off of the hardcore, interspecies, midget porn that you've been accustomed to enjoying.

My 2nd Annual Super Bowl LiveJournal

I liked doing this so much last year, I decided to do it again. Super Bowl XLI PST Snack Thoughts 3:00pm Nachos I'm proud of my Black people and all, but enough with the 'first Black coach' thing. Even me and my family are over it already. 3:15 Nachos Already a frontrunner for best commercial: The Chad Johnson Super Bowl Party. Martha Stewart, David Beckham, even Janet Reno came through. Fuck, she's old. 3:18 Nachos Billy Joel. Pretty good. And it's raining. Might as well be in Seattle. That would be sweet. If this becomes a running game, the Colts are doomed. 3:23 Carrots Dan Marino. Last time he was on a Super Bowl field was 1985. This is the closest he'll ever get to the trophy without the NFL Network flipping the bill. 3:29 Carrots and Broccli My voice is hoarse already. Hester is the fucking man! 15 seconds, Chi-town is up by 7. 3:35 Celery Rock Paper Scissors will never be the same. "I chose paper!" "I threw a rock." Rock, Paper, Bud Light 3:40 After a three and out, we see the storied beard comb-over. I think it'll catch on. Beard Comb-over 3:55 Pride: A swimming version of that movie Glory Road. How original. Glad to see Bernie Mac doing something serious though. 4:00 Pistachios Carlos Mencia is NOT funny. At all. Bud Light gets points for somehow still making it funny. Bud Light Immigrants 4:03 Almonds 13 minutes, 3 fumbles. They make gloves for a reason. 4:30 Pistachios The award for the highest paid person not actually on TV during these four hours: Nelly. Two Chevy ads, two different Nelly songs. Good job. Chevy Strip 4:34 Didn't the Bears have a really good defense once. They look really tired. 4:45 William H. Macy has some funny Black jokes. Along with Martin Lawrence, I'd like to hear them too. 4:50 Two quarters, five fumbles. 5:05-5:20 Hot wings Prince! Ha! Best. Halftime Show. Ever! Hey, I'm a fan. I can't believe he did the old stuff. Purple Rain was the shit! 5:39 BBQ Wings E*Trade tells us that our banks are robbing us. I already knew that. Next? Bank Robbery 5:47 Hot Wings Rexy Boy loses 22 yards...by himself. Also, CareerBuilder.com's "Promotion Pit" is the best commercial so far. Mostly because I can relate. Promotion Pit 5:55 Nachos Robert Goulet! Why is it whenever I think of Goulet, I picture Will Ferrel singing a lounge version of "Change The Game" with Jay-Z. Robert Gouleeeeeeet! Oh, and the Super Bowl has been brought to us by Revlon Colorist. The pussification of America continues. Nutty Goulet 6:00 The famous Kevin Federline commercial. Unfortunately it's lost it's luster since it's been all over the internet and CNN the past two weeks. Boo. K-Fed's Front 6:17 Hot Wings Marvin Harrison is out with what could only be described as a Stretch Armstrong-type leg injury. After rubbing some Robitussin on it and walking it off, he's going back in the game. 6:26 Mango I'm calling it: The Colts are gonna win. Jay-Z makes his Super Bowl ad debut. He beats Don Shula at some futuristic version of Madden. Ok? Shula vs. Jay Z 6:39 Mango CareerBuilder.com drops another gem, "Office Survivor". "Take off shirt." Office Survivor 6:54 The huge contest-winning commercial is unvieled. Good, but not impressive. The creator pitched it alot better than it actually came out. I guess they couldn't get the clearance for "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men. I'm pretty sure they could use the money. 6:57 Tears Boo the Colts. Boo. 7:14 More Tears Peyton is MVP....by default. No one really stood out, so they tossed it to the easy answer, the quarterback. Great. Now I have to see even more shameless ads featuring Peyton Manning and his 'laser-rocket arm'. 7:15 Well, the festivities are over. I could care less about anymore Colts garbage. Time for a pirated DVD featuring the yet-to-be-released The Grudge 2. Good night everyone.

Word Of The Week: Otter

Otter (ahh-dur) n. 1. Any of several aquatic, furbearing, weasellike mammals of the genus Lutra and related genera, having webbed feet and a long, slightly flattened tail. 2. An unusually large vagina. Example: What Britney Spears has is a little more than a beaver. It's a fucking otter.

A Night At The Cinema

I love watching movies. I hate sitting through them. If they really want my money, they should accommodate me a little more. I previously wrote about Cinema Etiquette, now here's my typical night at the cinema, assuming my two-hour movie starts at 7:50pm because, for whatever reason, movies ver rarely begin bewteen 8 and 9:25pm. I never understood that. Me @ The Movies 7:20pm This time may be smudged if I'm going with my girlfriend, but if I'm meeting friends, I hate being late. I make time for traffic or whatever may come. 7:30pm Gotta stop by the gas station to pick up some Red Vines. Only a buck, as opposed to five. 7:35pm I park. If everyone is there, we march to the box office. We leave our cars behind in an unpatroled parking lot with minimal lighting. Our cars are there for the taking. I am forced to stuff candy and a bottle of "water" in my pants and/or jacket so I don't have to pay for the stuff inside. They make me do it. Unless its alcohol, I really don't try to hide it anymore. It's too much of a hassle and they no longer care. We buy our senior citizen tickets from Fandango, which saves us $3 each time we go. The ticket takers are teenagers and they either don't care, or don't look. You gotta love that. 7:40-7:50 or so Regal First Look or 'The 20'. In preparation of getting their on time, we are usually obscenely early. All of us have seen the same ads over and over again. This is usually when we talk about sexually vulgar subjects (when there are no kids around) to maybe offend a group of girls or an older couple. It's fun. Try it. 7:50-8:05pm- Fucking trailers. Like, 7 of'em or something. Usually one good one you've never seen before with a bunch of the same ones you've been seeing all over TV. My advice: go to Apple.com and you can see the trailers the day they come out at home. You could save fifteen minutes. 8:05pm The movie finally begins. The cell phone is now on silent. 9:35pm I usually become restless at the ninety-minute mark. Seats are rarely comfortable and by now I either have back pains, gotta pee, or I have gas. All movies should be ninety minutes. Anything past that should go straight to DVD or there needs to be a higher standard in theatre seating. 9:40 til whenever The last part of the movie that is probably drawn out or unneeded. It can really ruin a movie. I'm probably no longer paying any attention anymore. God help my girlfriend if she's there. I usually begin to fiddle with her to pass the time. Short skirts are great. End of movie We leave after the credits are done. It's either to wait for the crowd to disperse, wait to see if there's a bonus scene, or just talk about nothing important. Then we stroll through the hallways and head towards the restrooms. Nothing exciting there. We eventually make it outside into the parking lot, take an inventory of everyone's car, and continue to bullshit until everyone agrees it's either too cold be be standing there or what bar we're heading to. Night 'security' doesn't like us loitering, but at these prices, we should be able to do whatever we want.