The Vegas car chase

If you know me, or any of my friends, you’ve probably heard this story plenty of times. All it takes is a reference to Las Vegas and this story always comes up. Which it should. It’s quite the crowd pleaser. How often can you go on vacation and have a near-death experience be the actual highlight to the trip. Ok, maybe ‘near-death’ is an exaggeration. It’s was more of a situation that could have been a lot worse than what it really was. So me and a bunch of friends from work went on a vacation to Las Vegas for a weekend. We try to do this, or something like it, every year at the end of our horse racing season (October-ish) to blow off some steam and be around women who like to have actual fun, as opposed to here in Washington, home of the walking tampons. On our second or third day, there was a lot of frustration from waiting on others in the party. We were wasting expensive time, and the complaining about the smell in the strip club was getting annoying. It was not a good idea to bring girls with us. You know, the whole 'sand to a beach' thing. So naturally there was a little animosity building up. We took a bus to the Rum Jungle (which is in...the MGM maybe?) and the party of 11 or so split up in the casino to cool off. When we met back up at the club, everyone had a different idea on what the rest of the night should entail. Two girls ditched us, the lone couple was arguing, and another two disappeared (the smart ones). Two friends that actually live in Vegas suggested this was all stupid and that we should leave. Those two, me, and two other friends of mine head towards the parking garage to find their car. In the elevator, there was this insanely hot, high maintenance looking, short little Asian chick (just my type) riding with us. I gave her my ‘A’ game (because I was drunk, it may have been my ‘C’ game) and she politely brushed me off but kept up the conversation. Good for her. She ended up at the same stop as us and climbing in a black-on-black Range Rover. Needless to say, I never had a chance. We headed to this local bar that apparently is the popular spot for locals. Yeah, it sucked. It was empty, had greasy pizza, a fight broke out in the parking lot, and there was a lot of puking ("It looks like a pile of shredded cardboard!"). I'm like, “Fuck this. Let’s go back to the hotel.” And that we did. Then the fun started. As we pull out of the parking lot, some car cuts us off with two guys in it. This shit happens all the time so I think nothing of it. My local friend, however, was drunkenly offended and decided to yell out the driver’s window from the passenger side, “Fuck you!! Yeah I’m talking to you!! (pointing) Fuck. YOU!” They stop. Then we stop. We punch it for a few yards. As do they. Silence. Then someone yells, “Gun!” Supposedly a gun was drawn and pointed in our direction, I never saw it, but as I would follow a group of people running out of a theatre without knowing why, I duck when everyone else in the car ducks. Even the driver ducked...with the petal to the floor...head resting on the emergency brake handle...going 87 in a 35 or 40. I saw more through the windshield than he did, and I was in the back seat. We were followed at first, but after running a couple red lights and taking ill-advised left-hand turns, we lost them. Unfortunately, we almost lost more. Trying to take a right-hand turn, then making a last second decision to go left, we hit the little island that the streetlight is mounted on. Completely fucking up the front-end alignment and the rims and almost splitting the car in two through the passenger's side if we were 3 inches more to the left. "Dude, I could have died." No one was hurt. Well, maybe the car owner’s feelings are hurt, but no one else. The car hobbles down the street while constantly trying to veer left like a broken shopping cart before we pull into a parking lot to do a damage assessment (and thinking about running away). We all jump out of the car, except for the drunkest of us who decides if he lays down, no one will see him. After some calming down, we pile back in and have a quiet ride back to the hotel. Real quiet. I'm talking you could here a pin drop, then hear someone a hundred feet away yelling, "Stop dropping fucking pins!" I’m not one to pass up an opportunity for a laugh, so I attempt to end things with a smile... "Out of everything that’s happened tonight, I only have one thing to say." "What's that?" "Your breathe still smells like puke." And we proceeded to laugh off the night.

What not to say at a pregnancy announcement.

To some people, becoming pregnant can be the most glorious moment of their lives. Bigger than any wedding or birthday or job promotion or funeral, pregnancy is what alot of people live for. Then there's the other people who think pregnancy is a curse or the end of their lives or something that just means overall badness. In the days of teenage pregnancy and career driven couples, you can no longer assume a new baby is a congratulatory event. It's a more delicate situation than it used to be. Here's a few things you shouldn't say when someone announces their pregnancy: "Soooo, who's the daddy?" -No one wants to be called a whore, even though they may be one. This question pretty much calls them a whore, but in a nice way. "Do you need a ride to/from the clinic?" or "Are you keeping it?" or "I know a guy." -Assuming they aren't keeping it is a little impolite...and funny. "So what?" -People automatically think you care to know these things. Not caring may ruin their whole day. Even though you really don't care. "I'm so sorry." -This is another day ruiner. Mostly said by those who feel a baby is an unwanted burden instead of a blessing. But honestly, this has to be the funniest response to go with. "Let's get a drink and celebrate." -Even though some would never say it, it's probably the best out of the bunch. Saying this let's you know how they feel about the event. If they laugh at what sounds like a joke, they are keeping it. If the laugh and say "Are you free tonight?", then obviously they aren't going to have it. "That sucks.", then turning around and walking off. -Tells them you don't care, have never cared, and will never care. That's probably the message you want to convey anyway. "Cool! No more condoms." -Actually, this is acceptable. "Congratulations!" -If they view this event as a life/career ender, this will make them cry. I've seen it happen. It's kind of funny really.

Why are you still paying for ringtones?

I'm getting tired of seeing all these stupid commercials advertising the new 'hot' songs out there and how you should pay $2-$4 each for these edited, chopped up ringtones. Seriously, I haven't paid for a ringtone in almost 4 years, yet I've always had a phone full of them. I'm not talking about the "T-Mobile Jingle" either. Here is a short guide to ensure you never have to pay for another ringtone for your Motorola phone. To my knowledge, every Motorola phone should be able to do this. I know for a fact every V300-V600 and RAZR (and all of it's brothers and sisters) will do this. If you have any other phone, well, that's unfortunate. Things you need: 1 Motorola phone 1 Corresponding Data Cable for said phone 1 Motorola Phone Tools software 1 Computer 1 Sound Editor A bunch of songs Go on eBay and find the right cable for you. You can usually get one for $15 after shipping, but no more than $20. If you don't like eBay, you can pay $35-$75 on the Motorola website, where you can get a bundle deal with the software you need (Motorola Phone Tools). This is a great deal for the internet amateur, leaving you with little searching and downloading to do. If you are a little more internet savvy, you will no doubtingly find a website where you can 'sample' your software for free, forever. I assume you have a computer since you are reading this and I assume you have the songs you want or you wouldn't be still reading this. Now you will have to use a sound editor of some sort to cut and trim the perfect part of your favorite songs with the most vulgar and offensive lyrics that MTV, BET, and all of those other teenager-friendly services won't offer you. Imagine eating dinner with your family and your boyfriend calls, triggering his ringtone which happens to be Akon's "I Wanna Fuck You". Imagine being at an important meeting and your phone rings with the ringtone of Winger's "She's Only Seventeen". These are all good reasons to keep your phone on vibrate, but it'd be funny if it weren't. Anyway, with a sound editor, you are able to capture just the 5-30 seconds you want on your phone. The editor I use is part of Roxio's DVD and CD burning software. I actually paid for this once upon a time for burning purposes, the editor was just a bonus. I'm sure you can find this for 'sample' somewhere or even a better program, but it's what I use. The rest is common sense, but if I must, follow along: Turn on computer Install all software Alter/customise desired songs/sounds Plug in data cable Plug cable into phone Open Phone Tools Upload sounds onto phone Make friends jealous There are many different advantages to doing this. First is putting these horrible money sucking ringtone services out of business along with cleaning my TV of their annoying commercials. Second, the curse words. Third, the obscure/old songs that you could never buy as a ringtone since they only care about what's 'hot' or 'slamming'. Fourth, you're not limited to just songs. You can use sound effects, quotes, your own voice, or someone else's voice. Could you imagine you're lady calling and you hearing her voice on your phone saying something dirty enough to make construction workers complain? Here's an example of my ringtones (I didn't feel like uploading them all, so no actual examples): 8 music tones (3 of which are explicit, 2 are kinda old, 1 is from the 70's) 2 movie audio clips (one from an 'adult' movie, one from Coming To America 1 Daffy Duck cartoon (for the younger brother) about fifteen other tones on my computer that I cycle through from time to time I'm sure Nokia, Samsung, and others have their own cables and software, but I've been using Motorola for 6 years now, soooo that's that.

Superhero related sex moves

He may be faster than a speeding bullet, but Superman still fucked you. Batman has a belt full of 'tools' and his own teenage gimp (boy wonder). Spiderman shoots web everywhere, just not in your eyes or hair. Almost every superhero has their go-to movie in bed, here's what they are... The Superman As she is lying on her back and you are fucking her from your knees, balance yourself on her knees and thrust your arms forward as if you were flying. The Batman Tie a woman up. You and your boy (wonder) have your way with her. Then right after you finish, vanish into the night and leave her tied up so she can be found by the proper authorities. Then have your way with your boy. The Spiderman Right before you finish from a girl blowing you, pull out and cum in your hand, then fling it at her while yelling "I'm Spiderman!". The Green Lantern This is when you have sex with a married woman, then afterward you take her wedding ring, leaving her powerless. The Fantastic Four This is when you first get a (1)handjob, (2)blowjob, then (3)vaginal sex, then (4)anal sex, resulting in a facial given to a Jessica Alba movie poster. The Human Torch Having unprotected sex with a girl, knowing you have gonorrhea. Flame on! The Incredible Hulk Start out the day before, eating tons of fish and celery to stock pile your load. The day of, pound a non-lethal amount of green food coloring for the green effect. When you finally cum, unleash a pint of your green future high-school dropouts all over the girl while yelling, "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!" The Punisher A vigorous anal pounding. The Thor Pretty much the same as a Donkey Punch. Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then hitting her with a hammer (or any blunt object) in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up. The Wolverine Just as she cums, leave deep scratches her back. Finish, then lean back and laugh while smoking a cigar. The Cyclops This is when you cum in a girl's eye, leaving her with just one to see out of. The Jean Grey This is when a woman has sex with you, tells you she loves you, then she kills you. Also known as the Praying Mantis. The Beast First off, you have to dye your pubes blue. Say you're trying something kinky. After you have sex and your partner is asleep, masturbate on her face, then shave your pubes and sprinkle them all over. When she wakes up, she'll look like Beast from X-Men.

Steak and a blowjob day.

Like the title says, Steak and a Blowjob Day. I really don't think I need to explain this one. Click on the website for a semi-work friendly explanation.

Randomness pt 3

Why are they called restrooms if everyone always in a hurry to get out? Are there any deaths related to the bullets shot at a 21 gun salute. That would be ironic. It's funny how if you huff a lot of white-out, you blackout. Prostitution is illegal (in most places). Porn is not. I'm thinking you get get as many hookers as you want, as long as you film it all. And I guess you may need a permit or something. If it's after midnight and you are walking down the street in hot pants or a miniskirt, don't be offended when a car pulls over and sticks money out of the window. Do be offended when it's your dad. Is it wrong to still laugh every time I see a sign that says "Condominium"? For some reason, naked poker isn't as exciting as strip poker. But it's still exciting none the less. Back in the 'olden times', instead of saying someone is hot or pretty, they would say he/she is 'agreeable'. I'm bringing it back. You ever wonder why the ass is so pleasing to look at? I do. Doesn't make it any less agreeable to look at though. You are not truly camping if you can see your car from your tent...under a streetlight. Irony > Sarcasm I wish I had an iced-out grill, but with real ice. Therefore my water would always be cold. Then I would have to take them out to drink wine. Because that's just gross. Beer is the alcohol of choice for the indecisive. That can't decide if they want to get drunk or not. They can't decide if they're thirsty or not. They can't decide if they want to spend a lot or not. They say horse racing is the sport of kings. I say bowling. You use equipment that someone else provides. Someone else does the scoring for you. You sit around waiting to walk 7-10 feet to throw a ball once, maybe twice. You are God if you win. Bowling is the sport of kings. Ever wonder why a site like MySpace can have over a hundred million members, corporate sponsership, rampid ads everwhere, yet the server still runs on 3 hamster wheels and a windmill?

Underwear: The Great Debate, Men's Edition

I figured after breaking down panties, I would give men's underwear the old college try. Boxers Who doesn't like to hang freely? Sure, readjusting every so often gets old after the fourth time, but I feel its worth it. That, and its the only underwear that doesn't look stupid with designs and patterns. You can have cartoons or a funny sexual saying on them like "Prize Inside" or "Check your blood alcohol. Blow here". Who they're for: Teenagers, men who walk around in their underwear, and your run-of-the-mill gang bangers. Boxer Briefs Do you want comfort without the wedgie? Boxer briefs are for you. They hold your fun parts in place (if you're into that) and limit awkward 'demonstrations' of your potential. Plus, if you're the type to wear you pants a little below the waist line, you can pull up your pants without the danger of pulling up your underwear and causing personal injury. Selling point: Chicks dig it. Just keep the colors simple and solid. Who they're for: Suit wearing professionals, playground athletes, and anyone who bases their wardrobe on the opinions of women. Briefs When I wore these in junior high, I sometimes felt my thighs wear gonna fall off from lack of blood circulation and my dick was dangerously close to breaking through the cloth. Prolonged wear usually ending up in some riding up in certain crevasses. That was unpleasant. The only positive I see is for those in the awkward stages of puberty. When a spontaneous 'event' occurs, everything stays relatively controlled. Plus, they're called tighty-whiteys. Why anyone would wear anything with that name is beyond me. That's like wearing shoes that are called 'shit-kickers'. Wait... Who they're for: Old men, little boys, the unimaginative, the self-torturing, and fat kids. Bikini Briefs Think tighty-whiteys, but more flamboyant and borderline gay. Who they're for: Guidos, weight-lifters, gay mobsters, and those with controlling (but kinky) wives. Man-Thongs The banana hammock. The perma-wedgie. Why a man would wear anything with his ass-cheeks hanging out puzzles me, but to each his own. I really never understood how the balls fared in these things. I hope to never know. Overall gayness. Who they're for: Strippers, Prince, The Revolution, Prince cover singers, pro wrestlers, men of the pink persuasion. Commando Nothing at all. Few dare to go such a route. We pay alot for these designer jeans and we don't want to funk them up. There's a couple rules to this though. First you have to be bare. Getting a pube caught in the zipper is NOT an option. Second, you have to be showered first. That's a given. Third, I think it only works for tight jeans, sweatpants, and pajama pants. Personally, I can't do it because of the zipperphobia I suffer from. Blame There's Something About Mary. Who they're for: Those who feel thongs aren't revealing enough, the lazy, or those who can't find their underwear after a booty call. Silk Boxers How can something that feels so good simultaneously feels so bad. No, I'm not talking about a blowjob from a girl with bucked teeth. I'm talking about those $15-20 silky underwear that seem like a good idea, but actually aren't for daily wear. Some advise: Avoid playing sports in them. Who they're for: Romantics, serial masturbaters, and (once again) men with controlling wives. Lady Draws Panites to be specific. People lie to themselves and say its a comfort thing. but it's not. There is something disturbing about a man who buys women's underwear, claiming its a gift, then prancing around their home singing Madonna songs. Sometimes a girlfriend/new wife will find it arousing for her man to wear her underwear around throughout a day. Just say no. Ew. Who they're for: WOMEN.

Sequels That NEED To Happen Pt. 1

I'm a slight movie buff. Every so often a movie comes along that I feel lacks an ending that gives the audience closure, or I just really like the movie and I wanna see another story. Whatever the case, here's a few movies that I think could get away with decent sequels. Beverly Hills Cop 4 There's gonna be another Indiana Jones, Die Hard, Rambo, there was already another Rocky. They're desperately trying to squeeze every last drop out of all of these franchises. Why not try to revive something good? The first two were genius. The third was a little too kid-friendly. They need another to rectify the franchise and show that Eddie Murphy can do another action movie. Somewhat action. Coming To America 2: Going Back They don't really need another one, but it would make me smile. The storyline could be about either a) Eddie's character going back to America to look for a bride to replace his one that died, or b) him and his wife have to go over to England/France for something that would make them have to blend in for some reason. Of course there would be Eddie playing 7-8 different character, but no fat suits. Old School 2: School's In Session That's just BEGGING for a sequel. Frank is still at the radio station. Beanie has divorced his wife (mainly because Leah Remini has packed them on since then and I don't want her in the sequel) and is banging co-eds with regularity. Mitch is still with that Grey's Anatomy chick and her little girl. Maybe the plot line is the frat being in trouble again at the return of Ari Gold and its up to the founding fathers to set everything straight. All ending with Mitch becoming a father-to-be and another hilarious song by The Dan Band ("I fucking neeeeed you moooooore than EVA!") Good Will Hunting 2: Still Hunting Sure, the ending was good o the first one. I'll admit that. But what happened afterward? Did he ever find that girl? Did Ben Afleck and crew ever make anything of themselves? Did Robin Williams' character ever have an aneurysm from holding in his spastic outbursts? Besides, where's Matt Afleck's or Ben Damon's follow up script to their Oscar-winning masterpiece? I want answers dammit! Scarface: The Son Of Tony I heard a rumor once upon a time about a proposed idea for a Scarface sequel. This made me happy in the pants. The story line wouldn't be far fetched either. Elvira left Tony before it got ugly. Upon news of his murder and the threat on her own life, she flees to Los Angeles to live with her foster parent's sister , her foster aunt as it were. Almost a month later she learns she is pregnant with Tony's baby. Fast forward years later when Anthony (Tony's son) goes back to Miami and learns who his father really was. Using this knowledge and the few connections his father still had, he sets up shop in New Orleans and picks up the crack game where his father left the cocaine trade. Blockbuster. I'm telling you. Menace II Society 2: The O-Dog Saga Only one of my favorite movies of all time. It deserves a follow up. So what if pretty much everyone dies in the end. There were some survivors. Ronnie is in Atlanta with her son, who's a man now. Stacy is playing football in the pros. O-Dog has been out of jail for a few months now. Down on his luck, O-Dog goes to visit Stacy and becomes his main drug man, supplying dope to him and his teammates. On a road trip to Atlanta, looks up Ronnie to catch up, only to find that Cain is alive and well, except for a slight limp. After a week of catching up, Cain realizes what he's missing and develops a taste for crime that rivals the one he had as a teen.

Somewhat New Word: Racktastic

I've learned adding '-tastic' to the end of any adjective makes it that much better. Racktastic (rak-ta-stik) adj. 1. A word describing a woman's cleavage in an unbelievably low cut shirt. Example: "Did you see that shorter chick though? They weren't big, but they were racktastic" 2. A word describing a woman with...well, an unbelievably large rack.