The Fall Of An Empire

Wars don't overcome countries, they do it to themselves. The French 'Empire' fell at the end of the 18th century because of Marie Antoinette's fashion expenses (amongst other things). Money and the lack of common sense was the reason for the Roman Empire to wither away. The Ming Dynasty went to shit from the corruption of easily influenced leaders and emperors. The English went down because...well, us I guess. How will America fall? Look towards your local burger joint for that answer. Every major superpower in history has crashed and burned at some point. It's only a matter of time before America throws it all away. I think it's sooner than we think. I'm saying it right now, America will eat itself unto submission. Taco Bell 4th Meal (varies) Holy fuck. Are we so unhealthy and lazy here that we have created a FOURTH meal? Holy fuck! First we had breakfast and dinner. Then people couldn't wait until dinner, so they instituted a third meal (lunch) to tide everyone over. But wait, we can't make it to lunch. We are soooo fucking hungry that we created brunch as a secret, uncounted meal so we could stuff our faces with something between breakfast and lunch, sometime after the post-breakfast doughnut, but before that third coffee. Now Taco Bell wants us to believe that not only do tiny Mexican dogs love chalupas, but we need a fourth meal a few hours after dinner so we don't go to bed hungry. There has to be something wrong with that. Maybe if we got more sleep, we wouldn't be so damn hungry. Carl's Jr. Almost anything there (varies) Most of their burgers are huge. Sure, they taste great (at least I remember they do), but wow. Do you really want to eat anything Paris Hilton endorses? You know she has the herps, right? Burger King Omelet burger (730 calories) I wouldn't eat this if it was served with a side of Jessica Alba and a frosty shake. This was made for truckers and pregnant women. McDonald's Angus Third Pounder (720 calories) Why not just make it a half-pounder? Or a full-pounder? I bet the older crowd lost their mind when the quarter-pounder first came out. I wonder how they feel now? At least it's 100% beef now. That would suck if it was a third-pound of filler. Cardboard, soy beans, horse, and what have you. Either way, alotta of cow in ya bellay. Hardee's Monster Thick Burger (1,420 calories) I like grease as much as the next guy. It comes in handy when you need some help shoving the food down your throat and you've run out of raspberry iced tea because you drank it all while waiting for your girlfriend to get out of the restroom and now you can't get any free refills. Damn, now I want some raspberry iced tea. Krispy Kreme Doughnut-flavored drink (117g of carbs) Wait, is grease not enough help for you to choke it down? How about skipping chewing and swallowing altogether and just pour your death right down your throat? See that heart attack over there? He's waving at you. He wants to say hi. Then he wants to have vigorous anal sex with you until you keel over and die. Ben & Jerry's/Häagen Daz Extravagantly Flavored Ice Cream (~1000 fucking calories/carton) You're probably thinking, "Hey, I never eat the whole thing in one sitting." or "Me and my girlfriends/boyfriend always split it." Well, to start with, your boyfriend's a pussy. He's grown. He should have his own. Secondly, you know and I know you finish every carton, every time. Pig. It's ok. I do it too. However, I'm thin. So that's that.

I'm sure you've seen this a hundred times already... Now watch it again and notice how that little boy's friend just totally ditched him in his time of need. BFF huh?

Why Girls Want Boyfriends

I think I have come up with the two lone reasons why women feel that they need boyfriends. The first reason is so they can limit the number of people on Earth that know how dirty and kinky they are. That really goes without saying. They rather have a select few knowing what freaky shit they are into instead of a hundred. Some would say, "Then they don't have to be kinky with them all." If they enjoy it, they're gonna keep doing it. They just rather not have the entire world knowing. Second is probably the main reason. The longer a women stays single, the more things they're willing to do to land a guy. Here's the time line that I came up with that has no actual basis or factual research. If she's single for... ...3 months, she's putting out on the third date. ...6 months, she's always giving blowjobs on the first date. ...a year, she's always putting out on the first date. ...18 months, she's occasionally doing anal on the first date. ...2 years, she's frequently banging guys in the bar's bathroom. ...30 months, she's doing threesomes with her date and his best friend while another videotapes. ...3 years, she's doing mostly women. ...5 years, she's getting a butch cut and adopting a Chinese baby. Believe in it. Its science. There's always an exception, of course. She may be a virgin, or already a big whore, or a tranny. Those will skew my numbers a bit.

15 Acceptable Times For A Woman To Lose Her Virginity

If the V-Card was a real thing, I'd imagine it would look like this. This is copyrighted by the way. Don't steal my idea. If it were up to me, losing your virginity would be a requirement for graduating high school. It would be a quarter-long class with the final project consisting of showing proof of losing said virginity and having an open forum discussion about it with your partner in front of your class. Unfortunately, it's not up to me. It rarely is. I lost mine before I graduated. Not much before, but still before. It prepared me for sex in my adult life, kinda. Its why you do it. Sure, everyone wants to give it up to the one they truly love as their 'special gift' or whatever, but it's really not that special. I guess it used to be in the 1800's or something. I dunno. The first time is basically the same for everyone. Guys all think, "Best. Idea. Ever." and girls all think, "That's what I held out for?" For a guy, cashing in your V-card becomes more and more uncomfortable and awkward after high school. Alot of women are too full of themselves to give you a chance and they're mostly unwilling to help you out. Yes, we have no idea what we're doing. Yes, it's not going to be great. But think, you could be molding us into your own personal pleasure tool. For a woman, waiting to pop your cherry just postpones the inevitable. You're going to get split in two by someone who you probably won't even still know six months from now whether you're 16 or 26. You might as well lose it to someone who doesn't care or doesn't know what he's doing to make it easier and less painful for you. So to help out those in need, here are two lists of acceptable times to lose your virginity. Ladies first. Women To your date after your Homecoming dance. (couldn't wait til prom, could you?) To that Gothic chick in your history class on a half-day ("I was only experimenting!) To your date after your Prom (how cliche) While your parents are at work during Senior Skip Day (opportunity knocks) To a guy at your family reunion who said he was a friend of the family but in the end was your second cousin Larry who just got out of juvie (wait, what?) In a closet at your Grad-night party (it's usually boring anyway) To your best-friend's Dad during a rough patch in his marriage (a la American Beauty) During your first frat party (you'll be, oh, so popular) To a fraternity boy while your sorority sisters cheer you on (it happens) In your 'boyfriend's' dorm room while his buddy is asleep in the next bed (he's not really sleep) To some random guy from U of Whatever at Spring Break in Cancun (what happens in...) On a Girls Gone Wild video ("It's my first time!") To a Hollywood producer during an audition (gotta give head to get ahead) To your favorite singer/rapper backstage while others watch (groupie love) ...and I guess to your husband on your wedding night. (*groooaaaannnnn*) I shouldn't even have to include this, but guys, if you're wondering.... Men Yesterday Today Tomorrow This weekend DO IT AND DO IT NOW!!!! Related article: Virginity Survey

The Bar-Baby.

I drink alcohol. Sometimes too much. In my experience drinking, I have never found a more beautiful sound than the phrase, "dollar beers". Actually "I wanna suck your dick" is probably the best, but "dollar beers" is a really close second. Ok, I'm digressing. Whenever a bar I inhabit has a dollar beer night, I tend to get really drunk. Like, REALLY drunk. I drink a bunch and usually cool things happen that I either make up or forget or can never live down. The other night happened to be dollar beer night and I was well on my way until I saw something that made me question my drinking habit. I was talking to my friend when I saw a little kid run right in front of us. He ran to some video game and popped his quarters in like it was Chuckie Cheese. I brushed it off thinking maybe it was a midget or maybe I was just that drunk. I continued talking to my friend for a little while longer. Then as I sipped my sixth or seventh alcoholic beverage, I happened to look to my right and I saw a baby....in a bar. A baby in a bar. A bar-baby if you will. Holy shit. So here's what happened: This baby had two 'parents'. These 'parents' would take turns holding the baby just on the edge of the 'safe' area while the other took their turn at darts. The dart board was....maybe 25 feet away. I'd say 12 feet to my left as the 'family' was 13 feet to my right (I have this uncanny talent of measuring things with my eyes, ten inches at a time). They had dollar beers just as I did. Maybe not as much as I did, but they were drinking it none the less. That made me laugh. Just as I thought the novelty was wearing off, I went to the restroom. It's what I do when I drink. I take the necessary urinal and begin to do what I do. Out of the corner of my eye I see the male 'parent' walking in, drunk and loud and....with the bar-baby. The bar-baby is in his left arm while what I can only assume is his dick in his right fingers, probably pissing on two of them. I usually mind my own business when I'm passing beer, but how do you not look at the bar-baby. It's a baby...at a bar....in a bar restroom....and not getting changed. Bar-baby left with it's 'parents' at around 10:30 or 11:00. Hopefully made it home safe. Probably got drunk from mommy's liquored up breast milk.

The Six Month Rule.

We've all had our droughts. Sometimes we just don't feel like going out. Sometimes we get in a slump. Sometimes we get too busy at work and have no free time. Hey, even Wilt Chamberlain had his dry spell....when he was twelve. What I'm trying to say is, even the best of us go a while without sex. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It just happens. After a week or so, you still feel ok. After a few weeks, you start to miss it. After a couple of months, you are forever horny. After six months, you will explode. Yes, explode. It's science. Men have a rule that we go by in cases like these to make sure our reputation and dignity stay intact when we go through desperate measures to make sure we don't explode or have our virginity grow back. It does grow back. It's funny looking too. The rule is: After six months, no man can be held responsible for who he sleeps with. A more blunt version: After 180 fucking days, you can bang whoever you want without risk of shame or humiliation. A man can hook up with his ex-girlfriend's ugly cousin, the somewhat attractive 50 year-old secretary, or even your best friend's arch nemesis and have no ill repercussions come from it. Well, other than the clap. There will be no name calling, no laughing, no pointing, and no shameful head shakes. It's a law. However, there are some limitations. If you hook up with a bad one, you are excused, but not for the re-up. You go back the next day or week or whatever and you will be subjected to the ridicule that you deserve. So you get one pass every six months. Remember that. Oh, and you have to be single. Being in a sexless marriage/relationship doesn't count. I don't think women have this rule. Probably because they have vibrators. (Inspired by some random Scrubs rerun)