Why girls travel in groups to the restroom.

Regardless of what any woman may say, they do not do the same things that us guys do in the restroom. Nor do they gather and talk about the men they're with or the ones they want to leave their men to be with. They don't go in groups for security reasons or to have someone there to pass them some tissue if their stall is out. And unless they're rich, they don't go in to snort coke off of a dirty toilet seat. I actually have my own theory. I've done my research. I've gone undercover and undetected to come to this not-so surprising realization. Witchcraft. Yup, I said it. Witchcraft. Now, I know what you're thinking. "That can't be possible. There's no such thing as witchcraft." If you would have told me that a year ago I would have completely agreed with you, so I respect and understand your skepticism. All I'm asking is for you to keep an open mind and listen to what I have to say. I was on my way to the men's restroom one drunken night when an attractive woman stepped in front of me on her way to the little girl's room. She had these white pants on with no underwear underneath which of course received my full attention. I was staring so hard that I mistakenly followed her directly in. That's when I saw the most disturbing thing that I've ever seen. There were about 7 or 8 women standing in front of the mirror. They all were chanting something in a language that I couldn't recognize (Which, honestly, could have been Russian for all I know. I'm not very worldly). Their eyes were black and the room was really windy. I thought that was odd considering there are no windows in a bar restroom. I let out a "What the fuck!?" before one of those girls let out this Grudge-like, cat screech/meow and I was shoved into/through the restroom door. I blamed the alcohol. I even blamed the complimentary nachos that were being served that night. I refused to believe the oddness that I thought I saw as I entered the men's room to finish what I almost immediately started in the women's room. I was greeted with more shots on my return to my table and I enjoyed the rest of my night. Everything was fine. The next night I went out with some friends to a different bar for a change of scenery. If I remember correctly, there were three girls to our four guys (we're all friends so the unjust ratio hadn't bothered me). One of the ladies looked at her phone to check the time and claimed that she had to make a trip to the restroom. Nothing odd. She told the other two ladies that they should join her. Nothing odd. The other two explained that they didn't have to go yet and they wanted to here the rest of the song that was playing. Then the first girl gave them a look. At that very moment they all hurried to the restroom like they were giving away free money at each stall. Coincidentally, I had to go too. I waited for them to advance a few steps first to ensure them I wasn't being weird or anything. As I made my turn to the men's restroom, I heard uncontrollable laughter and saw bright flashes of light appear from under the women's room door. That was very odd. I did what I do and I returned to the table. They returned a whole 15 minutes later and we resumed our night. Each of the guys (including me) must have spent 50 or 60 dollars that night on our bar tabs. We bought all kinds of nasty, fruity girl drinks (which don't taste great coming back up) and oddball shots. This was a common occurrence, as it is with most groups of friends when there are women in the mix. I used to think it was because we as men are stupid and would do anything for a pretty face. I've come to another conclusion. I began to pay attention to when girls I drank with took group bathroom breaks and our alcohol consumption afterward, more specifically my tab. After they would retreat to the powder room for the first time of the night, the guys in the group would always buy rounds of fruity shots for everyone and we would progressively get drunk. We'd also end up dancing, playing 80's rock ballads, and allowing the women to win the games we played. At the end we'd go our seperate ways leaving us guys drunk, pantiless, and penniless. This always happened at around the same time every time we went out, no matter who was in the group of girls that tagged along. And only when there were a group of girls with us. We never drank fruity shots, danced, or played horrible songs when it was just a guys night out (unless we were trying to get laid), but even then, whenever we'd meet up with a random group of girls, the same thing would eventually happen. Except occasionally we'd get some then. Based on my unsettling women's room experiences and my observations of myself and the circles I travel in, I've come up with this theory. Women go to the restroom in groups to practice witchcraft enabling the men they're with to buy/pay for everything and do whatever they feel is fun and still keep control of putting out or not. That is the only way I can explain it. Why else would men do any of that without having any control of getting laid at the end of the night? It would just be stupid. That's why it has to be witchcraft. No other explanation. Watch, the next time you're out, try to resist taking out your wallet for anything that's not for you or to your liking. You'll be successful at first. That is until the women travel to the restroom as a group for the first time to do their chanting/witchery/what have you. I'm completely convinced this is why I'm puking Porn Stars and Buttery Nipples at Denny's on Sunday morning with an empty bank account.

"Male Enhancement"

<---The reaction every guy wants. Did you know if you do a Google search on "Male Enhancement", one of the sponsored results states "Get Rock Hard On Demand". Sounds like a gay cable channel. Seeing commercials about male enhancement make me chuckle. I refuse to believe that anything like this is real or could even be possible. Not to sound cliche, but if they were real, we'd all use it and it would a Nobel Prize winning discovery. It's stock alone would make your portfolio utterly meaningless. Mostly because it would be either a) available over the counter at your local Rite-Aid or Albertsons or b) available for prescription to all ages. Both are downfalls to Viagra, which you need to qualify for to receive (unless you have a kick-ass doctor). Along with Viagra, an actual male enhancement pill is at the top of every guy's Christmas list. In a guys dating career (if you could call it that) we are trained to believe that size in fact does matter. A large majority of men (especially the ones who watch alot of porn) are insecure about their 'size'. Even though porn stars are not proper comparison tools, they feel inadequate and therefore don't want to reveal themsleves to just anyone. Unless you walk with a dick-induced limp, you're always gonna wonder "How do I compare?" or "How does she feel about my size?". I don't care who you are or how big you may be, every guy would love another two inches (just like Viagra would be the cure for whiskey-dick. note to self....). If you have a six, you would like an eight. If you're a ten, why not have a twelve? Slaying a few poor ladies is a risk we're willing to take to be unforgettable. And unforgettable we would be. Just stop banging the short ones. You've seen the Enzyte commercials, right? Bob looks to be the hit of the neighborhood with his either unusually large dick, or an everlasting hard-on. If that doesn't entice you to purchase, I don't know what will. I found this next video on a YouTube search for the above video. Fucking hilarious. Next time you get drunk, crank call a male enhancement company. Anyway, I'm losing focus. If you're an insomniac like I am, you can almost recite those Extenze commercials. Ok, that may be an exaggeration, but at 3am, its what's on. This pill flat out says it will make you huge. I'm still not buying it. Both literally and figuratively. Thinking a pill can make your dick bigger is like thinking going to church will make you a good person. Some things just can't be improved that easily. Thinking a cream or ointment (I hate that word) will make you bigger is just your excuse for buying overpriced lube. Men don't have their own Kegel exercises (which all women should do by the way) to make things better down there. We all wish these things were real, but we all know the only things we can do to improve our baby starter is either shave or get surgery. Who would want to get the surgery anyway? Sure, you're swinging around ten or so, but how do the women feel when they find out you went under the knife? Actually, they'll probably still fuck you, but they won't respect you for it. If any of these "enhancements" were real, I'd definitely see one huge (hehe) problem to deal with. Just like there's women out there who go a little overboard with the boob jobs, there would be guys out there who would try to break records (supposedly 14in) just for the hell of it. Popping pills like they were Pez or rubbing on creme like, well, it was gonna make their dick bigger. Their girlfriends/hook-ups just might as well say good-bye to their cervii (plural version of cervix? did I just make that up?).

Penis Transfer

So, almost a year ago I set forth my own commandments for proper etiquette at the urinal. The most important of all ten commandments was number ten: Thou shalt ALWAYS....alwaysalwaysalwaysalways....wash your hands before leaving the restroom. With soap. "I know where my dick has been" is never an acceptable excuse. If this has to be explained to you in any more detail, you obviously ate too much paste in pre-school. The reason why this rule is so important is a little thing I'd like to call 'penis transfer'. Penis transfer (or 'fish fingers' for women) is an uncontrollable problem these days at local bars, restaurants, and sports venues. How many times have you been washing your hands and seen men or women stagger into the restroom, do what they do, fix their hair in the mirror, and leave without touching the water or handsoap? How many times has someone actually started a conversation with you while standing directly in front of the sink, watching you wash your hands, and then leave without washing the penis/vag 'stuff' of their fingers (or hands for some of us)? It's disgusting. Let me show you how penis transfer affects you. Tim (random name) has been working all day. After putting in a solid nine hours doing whatever he does, he decides to meet some co-workers at the local bar. The combination of the small establishment and crowded atmosphere creates an unsatisfiable thirst that ultimately makes Tim drink beer after beer until he has to make his first trip to the pisser. He walks to the little boy's room with his sweaty balls and sticky beer hands and does/handles his business like we all do. But unlike me (and maybe some of you) he walks from the urinal straight to the door and then back to his chair/stool. His hands are now carrying 'penis transfer'. The sweat, possible splashage, STD, and/or odor (I don't care who you are, you're still not smelling Zestfully clean after a couple hours after your shower) are now on his hands and touching his glass. There are many things Tim's hands may touch tonight. A pool stick perhaps. A pool stick that you may use later, or one you two are sharing. Maybe you all got a huge plate of nachos and Tim likes the chips without alot of cheese, making him dig for the perfect chip. Maybe he's buying shots for everyone and now he's carrying your shot glasses to the table. You put your mouth on those glasses and now there's penis transfer in your mouth. Especially if you're the slutty secretary and you're doing blowjob shots, where you put the majority of the glass in ya mouf. Although, I'm sure the slutty secretary won't mind because Tim's dick will be in her mouth at some point throughout the night. But I digress... Same goes for women too. Not that I visit those "Hidden Bathroom Camera" websites, but I do know that women usually wipe after anything they do or occasionally change a tampon/pad. So their hands have been all around their vag and they get up and leave like all they were doing in the restroom was fixing their makeup or blowing some guy. Now they have fish fingers. Their hands could have anything on them now. Vag juice, period blood, sweat, funk, that smell that no one can explain but comes after 45 minutes out of the shower, anything could be on those well manicured fingers of hers. Now she's drinking some fruity martini. Wait, now she's asking you to try it. Oh, now she grabs your hand and wants to dance. Now you have fish finger (vag transfer) all over you. Granted, at some point throughout the night you wanted her vag transfer on you, your passenger seat, and your bed, but maybe you didn't. Fish Finger and Penis Transfer is no laughing matter. It is directly responsible for numerous fatal deaths....of appetites. Disgusting. Please wash your hands after handling your junk. You might as well rub your dick/clit all over my food. At least then I can stab it with my fork. **Side Note** The word 'Vag' isn't recognized by Spellcheck. Funny.

Things I thought I'd never do

See a movie alone I always thought it was weird when I saw someone walk into a theatre by them self to catch a movie. I wondered who he would slap on the arm when something was funny or how would he find out what he missed when he went to the restroom. It never really set well with me. That is until I got off work early one day to see a new release. It was opening that day and I needed to see it for this other job I have. Problem was I had tickets to a basketball game that night, so I needed to catch the early show. I pretty much went down the list of people in my phonebook and they ALL had to work, which is good I guess. If you are able to see a movie at 2pm on a Friday, you need a job anyway. Turns out, seeing a movie alone is no different than seeing it at home. Luckily. it was fairly empty. I felt weird as it was, but I would have felt worse if it was packed. Odd. Never thought I'd ever do that. Solo at the bar I could see if I was only in town for the night on business and it was the hotel bar. I could also see if I knew everyone at the bar. Drinking all by my lonely was something I thought I'd never do. Actually, it doesn't suck after all. I had a decent meal, watched a football game, had some drinks, talked to the bartender, it was good fun. Then I got bored and called some friends. I could only take so much. See a hockey game Not just one, but many. I like it. Never thought I would. It used to be very anti-me. I think it's the fighting. Or the $20 tickets. I can enjoy pretty much any live sport that doesn't involve men in speedos or women with muscles. Eat Sushi I love seafood. LOVE IT, HARD! (wink, wink Sally) Cooked seafood that is. That truly raw shit is not that great. Eating sushi is like giving a woman oral sex. Well, actually it's not. I just wanted to write that for future quoting purposes. Drink a beer in front of my mother Hey, it was the Super Bowl, and my team was losing. I was eating hot wings and nachos. It felt natural to grab one, so I did. I've never done that before. It's the whole family values thing and the role model thing. I still won't tell any of them how to find my website. Talk about a skewed perception. Watch 12 straight hours of Grey's Anatomy (or any girl show for that matter) Don't knock it. Just don't do it alone. Far too much estrogen. Go to a rock concert Not really a concert as much as it was a show at a bar. A few shows at a bar. Rock shows at big venues are not for me. Rock really isn't for me either. Point of the story is: Never thought I'd do that.