Things that should exist

Pubic conditioner Pubic hair is not the softest thing on Earth. It's not even the second softest thing on Earth. To compensate, we as sexually-active people groom (usually shave) our love jungle to keep from the inevitable friction burns and tangle snags. But some people don't like to shave or even groom. That's why there should be a pubic conditioner on the market for the people who like to keep things....unkept. Whether it's a buzz cut, a short shag, or a 70's bush that Linda Lovelace (Google it) could be proud of, it needs to be soft and sassy, silky and smooth. The easily obtainable female orgasm I mean, really. Is it necessary to put in all that work to reach the mountain top? The female orgasm (if it even exists) should be as automatic as a woman's initial "No". And I'm going to have to blame women on this. If men have to practice to go longer, women should have to practice to go shorter. But like I hinted towards before, it isn't real anyway. The fabled money tree ...and I'm not talking about the check-cashing spot either. Why can't trees evolve to cut out the middle man and just sprout 10's and 20's. Or even better, why can't scientists come up with a genetic-splicing 'thing' that will solve this problem. When your grandparents tell you 'it doesn't grow on trees', you should be able to say, "Why, yes. Yes it does." The time machine Now, wishing for a flying car that jumps time periods when it hits 88 mph would just be a waste of a penny in a fountain. Asking for a phone booth that dials up great moments in history while having a guitar-playing George Carlin as technical support would be childish. I just think we need a Galaxy Quest-type (imdb) move-back-in-timer that only goes back 15 seconds or so. "Waste of technology", you say? Could you imagine being able to take back the last 15 seconds of your life so you could tell that skank you actually do have a girlfriend, or not punch the 6'5" gay biker in the face, or even take back slipping it in a girl's bu....you get the jist of what I'm saying. An invention like that would make life 7.5 times easier. The 'X' chip Think of it as the anti-'V' chip. They have the technology to edit out nudity and fucking profanity (see what I did there?) out of our favorite movies and TV shows, why don't they have the means to add boobs and 'fucks' to our most boring theatrical features? Could you imagine watching The Pianist with a nude scene tossed in every 37 minutes and maybe a few 'fucks' and 'cunts' thrown in there from time to time. You would instantly increase your entertainment factor a strong 2-fold. more to come....

How I get girls.

My friends always ask me, "How do you always hook-up with the hottest chicks?" I try to tell them first, don't call them chicks, then how easy it is, but they never believe me. I say, "Look, here's what I do.... First, as every other average guy does, I get them drunk. They let go of their inhibitions and the chastity belt is easier to crack. We drink shot after shot to ensure my place in her...well, in her. Then we leave so I can make her see God. And by that, I mean take her to church. I'm a wholesome guy. I like to attend Sunday service and meet the reverend afterward while everyone empties out. When the chapel is completely deserted, that is when and where I blow her back out. And by that, I mean we do some heavy lifting to help out the elderly. A little charity work is bad for the back, but good for the heart. From there it's pretty easy to get them guts. Pig guts that is. Chiterlings (Google it). Down south cookin'. They're fairly gross. I'm not big on it, but some are. I'd rather have seafood, so instead, I like eating out. At really nice restaurants mostly. I like fresh fish, lobster, and king crab. Price is never an issue. I like to splurge on ma bellay. After a good meal, I usually have enough energy to bang it out. There's alot of banging involved with building houses for the homeless. I'm a giver. I like to help out those in need and project myself as a good person. Showing my caring side is the easiest way to get her wet. Luckily there's a pool across the street where we all can get wet. I'm not much of a swimmer, but I enjoy sitting on the stairs and enjoying the sun and my date's bikini. Sometimes I do try to swim. That's when I go for the breast stroke. It's much easier than the back stroke, so it's my favorite stroke. I be strokin'. I stroke it to the east, then I ever so slightly stroke it to the west. After all, it takes... different strokes to rule the world. Yes it does. After swimming for a while, we dry off so I can finally wax that ass. I got a hairy ass, so I go to the salon to clean it up a little. Don't worry, I keep the front all natural. My 70's bush is well in tact. Anyway, once my backside is bare, I'll be ready for some serious plowing. The fields won't plow themselves. Besides, with my newly waxed ass, there's no chaffing. I get to get all sweaty and show off some muscle. They like that kind of stuff. After a good shower, smelling all good and stuff, she'll finally let me tap it. The keg that is. I'm an alcoholic. I can't stop drinking. Besides, that's how I got her in the first place. I need a few beers before we hook-up. And by that, I mean connect our PSPs. I'm a big gamer and the girls I go after usually are too. I'm huge on sports games. Namely football. Once she gives me the chance, I make a play for the middle and run all up in it. In Madden that is. Larry Johnson for 120 yards. I'm a pro. But I have to take it easy on her or I'll never be able to fuck her. When I say 'fuck her', I mean stick my penis in her vagina and have intercourse. Yeah, I know. And that's how its done.

Sluttin' It Up - Phrase Of The Week

...or month, year, whatever. I'm not very consistent these days. Sluttin' It Up (slut-en...oh, just sound it out) v. 1. Engaging in slutty activities. 2. Having large amounts of sexual fun with numerous strangers Example: "I heard you've been sluttin' it up while I've been gone. For some reason, its been my go-to line for anyone having a bit too much fun. I don't really know if I made it up or not. Everyone deserves to slut it up from time to time.