The Previously Unwritten Guidelines Of The Unmarried Man.

If your sister flirts with me, I'm gonna hit that. It's gonna happen. Blowjobbers need not meet an attractive requirement. She only needs to have a set of decent teeth. The Six Month Rule is always in play. What you say around your friends is irrelevant to whoever you are dating and vice versa. The guys come first. This is always the rule unless the girl is hot and this is your only chance to get it. Details of conquests must be shared within the work week. No matter how good/bad she looked. You must make at least one trip to Vegas with your friends before any nuptials are exchanged. In addition, what happens in Vegas, stays... on everyone's camera phones for a period of two months. Porn is bad for the soul, but good for the penis. There is no need to ask for the last piece if you paid for the meal. Playing video games count as having plans. As far as dating is concerned, a DVD is way better, and more effective, than going to the movies. Behind closed doors, you really like romantic comedies. However, you may not admit that. Ever. T-Shirts are for $0-$15 meals. Collared shirts are for $15.99-$30 meals. Suit jackets are for over $30. Sports jerseys for Hooters and Denny's. Six-packs are for models and atheletes. If any girl asks about yours, say you're "working on it." Fat girls are an un-tapped resource. Literally. (see what I did there?) Remember this: Most guys go bald, most dicks shrink in cold water, some chest hair is common, we can't be pornstars every night, mild farting is natural, six inches is about average, and the ability to grow facial hair is manly. Every woman knows this already. Don't be embarassed. Boxer briefs > Boxer trunks > Boxers > Briefs > Speedos/thongs > Commando. Ironically, its the exact reverse for women. You don't need instructions. You don't need directions. You don't need help with anything. However, it's OK to ask. Your list of Top-5 women will have three of the following: at least one model, at least one pop star, a young actress who just had a movie out but will be a nobody in 4 years, and one that you think is a "shocker". Your list will be ever changing and always argued. Assume every girl is a slut until proven otherwise. Being in a band sounds funny at first, but will get you unusually large amounts of ass. Revenge is a dish best served quick and bloody, not cold. Cigarettes stink and are bad for you, but still make you look cool. You need to be a semi-expert in at least one major sport, and just knowing key information in the others will get you by. It is not necessary to know anything about cars, that's what money is for. Although, you do need to know how to change your own oil. We all masturbate. Some more than others. What you like in bed is not always what she likes in bed. Do it anyway. After you turn 20, you will never (should never) see a 16 year old's tits ever again. Deal with it. Public urination is a victimless crime, yet still punishable by an asshole cop. If you didn't see anything naked in Vegas, you shouldn't have even gone. On second thought, you didn't even go. Bill Murray as Phil Conners in Groundhog Day is brilliant. (watching it as I type). Glasses make you look smarter. Sun glasses make you look like a douchebag. The only body parts that you should work on are the biceps and the stomach. Leave your 'glutes' alone. Every holiday is an excuse to get drunk. This includes Arbor Day, MLK Day, and Thanksgiving. Bring a girl when shopping for clothes. Bring a girl when shopping for gifts. Bring a guy when shopping for weed. Never show up early for a party for you will be bored. Never show up late for you will be nominated for a beer run. A sedan will get you to work. An SUV will get you laid. A coupe will get you the clap. Remember these numbers: 18, 21, 29, 49, 50, and 59. Why you ask?... (18)- The youngest woman you should have sex with. (21)- The youngest woman you should date. (29)- the youngest woman you should marry. (49)- The oldest woman you should have sex with. (50)- The percent of your shit you have to give up when she's too old for sex. (59)- The oldest you should be for such a divorce. to be continued......

Whaaa?

Why is awe-some so good, yet awe-full (or awful) so bad? That is all.

I pollute.

Surprisingly, yes, I do. But here's the deal.... I do my best to make the environment better. Not in a 'tree-hugger' sort of way, but in a 'for my kids' kinda way. I recycle (at work), I eat organic foods (starting to anyway), I pee outside to conserve water, I even used to sell hemp products (in $20 increments). I do this and that to keep things beautiful. This means nothing in the eyes in of the Department Of Licencing. I have an SUV. A smaller one, but one none the less. It's from '95, so I have to do emissions tests every two years (like most of you do here in the U. S. of A...ssholes). I found out last year when I bought it that it was doomed to fail the test. After doing some tricks, I passed the initial test. This year was different. They were hip to my tricks and changed up the process a little. I failed like I knew it would. I visited my mechanic who told me, "Well, you need a new CAT converter. I could fix it now, or I can bill you for diagnostics and that will earn you a waiver for your tabs." Sweet. I pick option B. I confidently drive to my next test and fail with flying colors. "Yes, I now I failed. I have a waiver." The look these fuckers gave me was demeaning. Like I personally was going to ruin the Earth with my Chevy. "Go ahead and pull up to the office to get your paperwork sir." Suddenly I'm an asshole because I chose to save money. I pulled up to the office to finish up. The old chick behind the desk gave me the same look. "Let's pop the hood." What the fuck for? I guess I'm hiding my supped-up hemi underneath the dirty, chipped hood of my aging truck. "Sure, why not." Nothing exciting. She proceeds to take her time filling out my paperwork and mentally shoves me outside. I journey to the DOL. The lady behind the glass (with a huge hole BTW, who's that gonna stop?) gives me the same look. Even after I ask about the special Fight Child Abuse plate. Cunt. Taking the cheap way out does not make me a bad person. Paying my fees in quarters does, interestingly enough.

Worst TV Best Friends

Every bitch on Melrose place A little old, but timeless. If you lived here, you knew at some point that your best friend would fight you, sleep with your man, make up, then do it all over again. Cartman Why they still hang out with him, I don't know. But, don't we all have that extra friend who we really don't want around? Jack Bauer All his friends die at some point or another. Plus, he torutres your ex-boyfriends/husbands. Bugs Bunny He acts like your friend. He pretends he cares. Then he dresses up like a woman and makes you question your sexuality. Garfield He consistently kicks is live-in, hetero-lifemate directly in the ass and onto the floor from an unusally high dining room table. Yet, Odie still worships him. Cats are not to be trusted. Bill Dauterive He drives down property values with his less than desirable personality and dirty wife-beaters. He also constantly tries to hit on your wife in the most creepiest, stalkerish way possible.

Michael Jackson syndrome

There's a horrible condition out there that no one talks about. No one reports on it. No one does some college study on it. It's called Michael Jackson Syndrome. No, it's not some child-loving sickness. It's a syndrome that could affect anyone. Rather than give you a definition, I'll just give you the classic example.... Michael Jackson never had a real childhood. His father forced him and his brother's (mostly him) to grow up too soon and be entertainers to help Joe (father) pay the bills. He never really made any friends. He never really got to play with any toys or play pretend or anything. So when Mike became older, he reverted back to his childhood in an attempt to re-live it and things got a little out of hand. In a nutshell, he missed out on a period of his life and he went overboard recapturing it. How this relates to me or you is simple. When someone, anyone, involves themself in a long term relationship before the age of 18 or gets married before the age of 22, they give up thoroughly enjoying their young adulthood in favor of 'love'. When they inevitably break up in their late 20's and they find themselves clueless on how to function as an adult by themselves, they go buck-fucking-wild. This is for men and women. They are drunk 5 days a week. Not out of sadness, but out of just plain partying. They are banging everyone in sight. They're buying all these outrageous outfits or a nice car, generally over-extending their finances like they would have when they turned 21. It's kind of sad, but fun. So this is what I call Michael Jackson Syndrome. These people are all missing out on a wonderful time in their life and they are forced by nature when they are once again single to relive it. Like Michael Jackson. Its the best comparison that I can come up with.

The fabled Jodeci spoof

The single greatest In Living Color skit of all time is also one of the controversial missing skits from the DVD set. Apparently they wanted to save money by not bothering with copyright/licensing fees that were necessary to include certain musical skits, spoofs, and performances. That means it can only be seen in reruns on BET. If I had Tivo or a knowledge of when this episode (104) aired, I would record it myself and bring it to the internet for it is not available anywhere. I get lucky at times and I'll do my usual channel check before heading upstairs for sleep and I'll catch it. I just think its the funniest shit ever, plus, it's when America first found out that Jamie Foxx is actually not that bad of a singer. Bonus points for spoofing my favorite song ever. What they're spoofing: A spoof of the spoof, lip syncing the actual episode: A not-so-great version: The original version: