Watching my favorite movies: The Abridged Version.

Fight Club 1st time: This is awesome......WTF?.......Wow 2nd Time: Ohhh, I get it. Vanilla Sky 1st Time: Interesting........Whaaa?......Huh? 2nd Time: ????? 3rd Time: Ooooh, I see. The Godfather 1st Time: This is cool......snore. 2nd Time: Where did I leave off?.........snore 3rd-100th Time: Wow.....Awesome Scarface 1st Time: Awesome 2nd Time: Awesomer 3rd-200th Time: Awesomest Half Baked 1st Time: Haha...I'm so high right now.....Dude, we need some Funnions. 2nd Time: "Hehe, pearl necklace."......HAHAHA Old School 1st time: "God, I hate Luke Wilson"....Hahaha.......HAHAHAHAHA, ow my stomach. 2nd Time: "I'm so glad Owen Wilson isn't in this." Wedding Crashers 1st Time: "God, I hate Owen Wilson.".....Boobs.......HAHAHAHA 2nd Time: "At least Ben Stiller isn't in this.".......Boobs.....HAHAHAHAHA 3rd Time: Discover jokes I missed before due to excessive laughing, laugh some more.....boobs. South Park: Bigger, Longer, etc 1st Time: "I can't believe I took my brother to see thi....hahaha, donkey-raping shit-eater?!?" Billionth time: "Hahaha, donkey-raping shit eater!!"

Maxim vs King: Subliminally making you waste your money.

I was in the supermarket a few days ago when I strolled down the magazine/newspaper isle. Instead of picking up the Wall Street Journal or USA Today, I chose a couple girly magazines. One of which was Maxim Magazine. It's like Playboy, but without the nipples and vag and a lot more ads. I like it actually. You don't have to hide it when company comes over. Plus, Lindsay Lohan was grabbing her boob on the cover, so yeah. The second was King Magazine, or what I like to call Black Maxim. The tits are smaller and the asses are bigger, but its roughly the same thing. I've only bought Black Maxim once before due to the shitty writing by the columnists, but Kim Kardashian is on the cover, and she has a fat ass, so it magically appeared in my basket and in my heart. My usual routine with these magazines is simple: 1. I rip out all of the cologne ad inserts, the "subscribe now" inserts, and whatever else is made of the thicker paper. 2. Skim all the pictures, front to back. 3. Read all of the "become a better man/improvement" articles. and a few days later when I'm bored... 4. Read the featured articles. When reading the features in both magazines I noticed a few things. Well, actually just two. Reading King Magazine gave me the craving for buying rims and having unprotected sex with girls with big asses. Reading Maxim Magazine gave me the urge to put on some cologne and get completely shit-faced. Here's why... Differences/Similarities. about 200 pages about 180 pages Two-page clothing ads 6 8 Two-page ads for rims 0 9 One-page clothing ads 7 12 One-page ads for rims 0 14 (fucking 14) Liquor/Alcohol Ads 15 (oddly enough) 9 Cologne Ads/Body Spray (post-insert rippage) 9 2 Menthol Cigarettes Ads 2 (plus one for Camel) 2 Cell Phone Downloads 2 1 Condom Ads 1 none at all What I learned from comparing the two ethnically different periodicals: 1. Black folks are not pre-disposed to waste money on shiny rims. It is forced upon us by rappers and extravagant ads in the magazines we read. 2. White folks love to get drunk. 3. The 'man' secretly wants to keep the STD's in the minority community. There were no condom ads in King Magazine and I can bet you there aren't any in Lowrider Magazine either. 4. Even though there is a ringtone/wallpaper commercial on every 8 minutes on BET, there was surprisingly only one in King. 5. The boobs are definitely bigger in Maxim. The asses are extremely bigger in King.

Why is this so funny to me.

Muscle Milk. Look at it. Study it. Read it aloud. What is the first thing you think of? **hint: Semen.

In ya mouf

I make no attempt to be polite with my language, nor do I desire to. With that being said, I have this to say.... You can tell alot about a person by the way they answer this question: How much money would it take for you to put a picture of yourself on MySpace (or any massively popular internet website) with a dick in your mouth for an entire year? Think about it. Man or woman. It's up there for anyone with internet access to see. Mom, Dad, ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, teacher, co-workers, everyone. Dick in ya mouf with two thumbs up and a wink to the camera. This is all voluntary by the way. You say no and the picture is destroyed. Gone like your little sister's virginity. But, Big Daddy Moneybags comes to you and says he'll give you $10,000 to show the world. Too little? How about $50,000? $500,000? $5 million? Would you do it? Pretend its a twisted mini-game from The Price Is Right. A man offers you an increasing amount of money, but you don't know how high he'll go for his final offer, so you have to take what you think a move like that is worth. Or, of course, not take any money at all. But everyone needs money. I would imagine there would be more yes answers for less money on the female side. Exactly how bad would that be? Who would look at them different? "Yeah, that's me in the picture, but I got like 15 grand for it." Is 15 grand worth everyone at work using that picture as wallpaper for their computer? Maybe she should have held out for 50. Maybe she thinks she made out on the deal. Some might do it for free. It's something every girl does anyway so the picture wouldn't surprise anyone. It's just there for on-demand viewing. If I were to be offered money for pictures of me going down on a girl, I probably wouldn't even accept the money. I would volunteer to do one of those 'Got Milk' type ads for vaginas as a PSA....without the white mustache. It would say something like, "I was offered a million dollars to do this ad. I turned it down because eating pussy is enough of a reward in itself. It builds strong (tongue and neck) muscles and a great source of strength for your bone (singular, not plural)." I'd be famous for cunnilingus. I think that's awesome. Now, guys could get filthy fucking rich with this one. I would say no to the whole thing personally out of principal, but others would see dollar signs where their heterosexuality should be. Keep in mind, it's not a blowjob, it's just a very compromising and extremely gay position. In this instance, you wouldn't have a man in a purple suit with matching hat making you any offers. You go up to a professional looking lady and give your price. She may say yes, or she may say no, but you only make one offer. You have to not sell yourself short, but you don't want to blow your shot (hehe, blow). As a man, could you do it for a 500 mil? 50 mil? 50 grand? You could put a large sum of money in the bank and just live off the interest. Then the next time you take a girl on a date to Paris for lunch and London for dinner, she'll ask the deal breaking question, "So, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I have a picture of a dick in my mouth online. Here, use my iPhone to check it out."

New Word For Life: Flustrated

It has been brought to my attention that "Flustrated" is not a word. I've been saying it since I was 2, but who am I to make up a word? Wait, I didn't..... Yes, FLUSTRATED.COM Wiktionary adj. 1. Frustrated to the point of being flustered, or vice versa. Langmaker Flustrated adj. [< frustrated + flustered.] A combination of frustrated and flustered. Coined By: Cori Swatek Earliest Citation: Personal conversation with an acquaintance who was born and raised in Oregon. First heard about 1980. Urban Dictionary 6 Entries Oh yes, Webster's too. <-- Since when do I have to pay to look up a word?