'Twas the night before Christmas....

From T-Shirt Hell's Newsletter three years ago. It's my fav. Twas the night before Christmas, and back at my mansion; My dog was balls deep, in young Scarlett Johansson Three teenage runaways all chained to my bed, Two sucked my tits, while the last gave me head; The handcuffs were chafing, their collars on tight, I warmed up the cattle prod for a long night. A call from security disrupted my screwing; An alarm had gone off, and some trouble was brewing. I went to my monitor, scanned the estate. The intruder was visible on camera eight. A fat load of crap in a fuzzy red suit, In a queer little sleigh with his bag full of loot. Eight tiny reindeer the color of fawn; This would be the last year they would shit on my lawn. The hookers and runaways would just have to wait, While I did what I did to protect my estate. When I got to my parlor I saw Santa there; My bodyguards had him strapped down to a chair. They had beat him severely, they couldn't avoid it. And Santa they said, well he rather enjoyed it. "I came for your help," he told me with a tear; "You're the only one who can save Christmas this year." "We are so much alike, I know that much is true; Since you also spread joy; just as much as I do. I give everyone presents I don't ask to get paid Is it so much to ask that I want to get laid?" "A blumpkin! a donkey punch! the old Cleveland steamer! Mrs. Claus is too old, and she won't let me ream her!" I sympathized with the old guy this was true; But there were some things (and some guys) that I just wouldn't do. "I'll help the old dude" said a voice from behind me, He looked over my shoulder and said, "Thank-you kindly!" So, who would I thank for last minute salvation? Why young Scarlett Johansson (from Lost in Translation) Santa was thrilled and he did a quick dance With a gleam in his eye and a tent in his pants. She dropped to her knees and she spit on her hand, As she undid his belt something happened, unplanned. At the touch of her fingers he moaned and he farted; And Santa was finished before he had started. And Scarlett was literally covered in goo; Like a young blade of grass in the fresh morning dew. But more like a birthday cake covered in frosting; Poor Santa collapsed the whole thing quite exhausting. Scarlett licked her full lips and she said, "it's quite chalky." "It's lucky for you that I'm into bukkake." Well, Santa got up and he brushed off his suit, As she licked the last drops of his seed off his boot. Then Santa said, "Sorry, I guess one thing's clear: It's that Santa should come more than one time a year."

Pure Awesome

Sex Diaries. New Favorite Pastime.

Not really Christmas related, but awesome none-the-less. Every Monday, New York Magazine publishes a new entry in their "Sex Diaries" column. It is a 7-day diary of different New York residents every week sharing their sexual behavior for the past week. It's mostly entertaining. Here's some good quotes: "Joseph and I make loose plans to hang out later. Looking forward to the amazing sex, but I don't want this to come between me and my boyfriend......Call my ex-boyfriend while Joseph is in the shower. He doesn't answer. Joseph and I engage in fierce shower sex. " "7:02 p.m.: Give oral while parents watch Jeopardy on the opposite end of house. I'll take Gag Reflex for $200, Alex." "9 p.m.: Stand-up gig. I do seven minutes, then walk into bathroom where 35-year-old washed-up male hipster comic is getting blown by 21-year-old alterna-groupie. NYU students are pure class." "7:32 p.m.: I make sure my bra and underwear match and I'm wearing my favorite Star Wars T-shirt. In other words, I'm feeling lucky tonight … or at least like getting lucky." 3:30 p.m.: Me: "So … instead of putting the vibrator on her, I put it on my tongue. It was like I discovered a whole new world. I felt like the Christopher Columbus of oral sex." Cousin: "You need to invest in a Sonicare toothbrush. It's a world-class toothbrush, but it's also a very specific and powerful vibrator. I love the fuckin' thing. It cost like $120, but you can buy replacement heads for $12. I use it on my girlfriend, I use it on myself … super investment. When we get back to my apartment, I'll show you." 5 p.m.: At my cousin's apartment. The toothbrush is pretty cool. Either that or I'm very drunk. Probably a little of both. I wish everyone kept a sex diary.

Who doesn't like a drunk Santa?

Unless he touched you in some way, I guess. Anyway, this had me dying all day.

Babies hate Santa. God Hates Santa.

Call it "Fat Man Phobia"

South Park Christmas Cheer

It's funny, I guess. Couldn't find the actual video. Damn copyright laws. Same. Meh.

The perfect Christmas present

...and they say we're bad.

You women will always throw out the phrase, "All guys cheat!", whenever you want to express your disgust with the men in your lives. "They're all dogs/sleazy/manwhores/dirty/whatever!" You say all of this to generalize all men based on the few unsavory experiences you or your friends had with just a small sample of the population. So you've dated some bad ones. I get it. So your friend's ex slept with her sister. That's too bad. Don't loop me in with all the other losers who have or will slut around on you. I'm not that dude. I'm not that guy. But, if you must continue to be mean, I have my own generalized theory to throw back at you: All drunk women are single. Ok, maybe not all. Seeing as there's roughly 3 billion women on Earth, I'd say 95-98%. Maybe even half of those are actually single, so I'm already right about them. The other half, I am convinced, who are in "committed" relationships become instantly single after the introduction of mass alcohol. I'm not saying all of you ladies are sluttin' around and all-out cheating on your boyfriends/husbands, but you're doing stuff that you really shouldn't be. After about three drinks, the boyfriend/husband is beginning to be just a memory. The things you find fun are innocent at first, may it be as simple as sexual talk or frequent touching. Or even a flash of cleavage for the amusement of male partiers or to disrupt the winning billiard shot. That's something a single woman could do, sure, not something you do while the boyfriend/husband is at home hoping you are okay and safe. It's all fine, right? You're just having a little fun. What he doesn't know won't hurt him as long as it stays friendly. What about your boyfriend/husband? "I wish he was here but oh well, he should have came when he had the chance." That was the somewhat-forgivable example. Now introduce the fourth drink. You're overly enjoying a lot of lingering hugs and maybe some 'innocent groping'. Nothing major, just a few slaps/pinches on the butt or maybe a seductive shoulder/thigh rub. Maybe you've unbuttoned a couple up top to cool off and be sexier. Let the girls breathe. Even though you're a little jealous of the attention your friends that are actually single are getting, there's still fun to be had. You're dancing, you're having kissy fun with your friends, and you're feeling really carefree right now. What about your boyfriend/husband? "Oh, he'll never know. I'm just having fun. Stop bringing him up." That was the forgivable-but-not-forgettable example. Fifth drink is glued in your hand. You've found your guy for the night. He is getting your full attention as is you are his. You're doing all the cliche things girls do for attention. The touching his leg and bouncing while laughing. The smiling eye contact. The sharing of the drinks. Your friends are encouraging you to get crazy. Get wild. Except for the one who actually thinks your boyfriend/husband is a nice guy. Maybe throw in some girl/girl kissing to turn him on. Maybe not. What about your boyfriend/husband? "He never pays any attention to me anyway. Besides, this guy is so HOT!" That was the borderline-whorish-start-an-argument example. Sixth drink is being sipped at record speeds. The boobs are out from time to time. If they're not out they're being groped by at least one guy. Probably while you're making out in front of your friends. Oh and by the looks of it, you're in love. Short, sweet kisses. It's adorable to watch. That is until everyone remembers you have a boyfriend/husband. And it's good someone remembers because you sure as hell don't. What about your boyfriend/husband? "Hmmm? Oh, I dunno. Have you met Rex? He's in a band." That was the yeah-we-might-be-done example. Seventh drink and beyond. You're a big whore with your tongue down Rex's throat. Hands in pants, falling into chairs, all over each other kissing. You've been cut off at some point, but you don't remember. Your friends are half entertained, half embarrassed. You and Rex are the only people on Earth anyway, so you really don't care. You're in the process of making plans to get systematically plowed tonight when you run to the restroom and never come out. Rex, pissed and horny, leaves with one of your 'friends' or alone. You suddenly remember you have an awesome, faithful boyfriend/husband at home and you call him, in tears, to come pick you sorry ass up. What about your boyfriend/husband? "(sobbing) Please don't tell him! Please!! (pukes) I love him so much!! Blah blah blah, blah blah PUKE!!" That was the you-little-skank-I-hate-you example.

Dirty Christmas Songs

I'm fairly drunk right now. Here's what I can do when alcoholically handicapped.... 12 Days Of Christmas On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..... 12 hummers humming 11 pussies poppin' 10 lap dan-ceeeeesssssss 9 strippers stripping 8 moms so milfy 7 pornos playing 6 hookers hooking 5 gol-den showeeeeeerrrrrrsss 4 calling girls 3 French maids 2 ATM's And a threesome at the Double Tree Jingle Bells Running through these hoes in a broke down Chevolet down the streets we go laughing miles away (ha, ha, ha) sirens are spinning making alleys bright what fun it is, my robbing spree gonna shoot and kill all night Oh, If you tell, if you tell I'll dump you in the bay Oh what fun it is to ride on a punk-ass bitch today Oh, go to hell, go to hell what more can I say oh what fun it is to slide in a big booty girl today I was banging out this ho a threesome's what I tried and soon I had her girl licking my brown-eye (ha, ha, ha) she wanted me to spank I told her I don't mind I slapped the fuck up out that skank and came right in her eye Oh, then she fell, then she fell she was a good lay oh it burned in her eye and I laughed all day Oh, her friend smelled, her friend smelled no shower in two days I ran up in her insides while her husband was away Oh, dealers sell, go to jail they get out the next day someone please tell me why it all happens this way Oh, dirty girls, slutty girls I like'em all the same oh what fun it is to write a Christmas song so lame Silent Night silent night, girl-on-girl fight rip her top, bite her thigh poke the virgin in her eye holy shit, I think she'll cry wow that bitch was a beeeeeeeaaaaast she had some maaaaaaaanly feeeeeeeeet silent night, her pants are tight in her mouth, I will try deep throat, ball-lickin' fun tonight doggystyle, hair-pulling fun tonight sleeping after I coooooooooome pussy was beat like a druuuuuum The Dreidel Song (or something like it) I have a little dreidel it's stupid and its gay and when its dry and ready i'll just throw it away Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel you are a waste of time oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel you are no friend of mine I love a curvey body with legs I like to bend and when she is all tired my balls are on her chin Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel such a bad sex toy oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel you are hard to enjoy I like a girl that's playful who loves to dance and strip and she likes to use my dreidel to massage her clit Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel you're so wet and sticky oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel you did the job for me

A Scrubs Christmas

Edit: Recycling old posts. Call them reruns. Happy Twelve Days Of Christmas! You can find anything on YouTube. Here's "A Charlie Brown Christmas" performed by the cast of Scrubs.

More women should enjoy blowjobs.

I wanted the title to be as blunt as possible. These statistics aren't based on any scientific study or actual research. I'm just fairly confident that they're correct.