New site/blog thing or something.

I have a new blog/site up and kind of running now. It has the unimaginative name of, "Free Things For Me". It's just a page of occasional freebies and coupons and such. Pretty cool stuff. I've been pulling them from different websites for the past 6 months or so and saving a ton of money (especially fo Christmas. $70 off a digital frame!). I figured I would compile the ones that I like and present them to my friends and readers and what have you. Not to self promote, but I will try to feature my favorite freebies of the moment along with valid online (maybe sometimes print-out) coupons for popular stores. Check it every so often as I try to update it often. Not so much the posts, but more the side bar content. Anyways, the site again is, "Free Things For Me".

52 things I wish women knew.

I'm a firm believer in sexual learning. I believe that no matter how good, bad, confident, or insecure you are, one could always learn to be better. That is why I read Men's Health Magazine/web site. I try to pick up a few tricks here and there to make sure I'm always on top of my game. While I was reading through the site a couple weeks ago I discovered a really good article titled "50 Things Men Wish You Knew" (referring to women of course) that I forwarded to a few people for laughs and insight. But it got me thinking. I wasn't complete. There's a lot missing from that list that I think I am more than qualified to add. Here is my 52 ADDITIONAL things that I wish all women knew: 1. Regardless of what you may think, as long as you keep the kitty clean, we enjoy being down there. "Smell" or no "smell". 2. Your hands are always welcome in our pants. In fact, it's encouraged. 3. Most vaginas are pretty. Trust us when we tell you so. 4. We don't know why we like your butt either. We just do. Don't get mad when we slap it here and there. 5. Girly clothes/colors are OK for a woman sometimes. Reminds us that you're still a girl at heart. 6. You don't need high heels to be sexy. 7. Tell us what turns you on. We sure as hell don't know. I mean, c'mon, look at us. 8. We have a favorite pair of underwear also. 9. There are few things sexier than when you go commando in your sweatpants. 10. Public Displays of Affection are OK sometimes. As long as we have somewhere fun to put our hands. 11. Your designer jeans are hot, but we don't care that they're designer jeans. 12. We stared at you before you began to date us. We'll continue to do so afterwards. 13. Foreplay goes both ways. 14. Secretly, we care about our fingernails. 15. Cologne is something we wear for you. Perfume is something you wear for you. 16. Kissing us with our stubble probably feels a lot like going down on you with your stubble. For that, we say, "Ha!" 17. We're proud of you being smarter than us, not intimidated. 18. Tans are overrated and overdone. 19. Blond hair reminds us of nudie magazines. 20. There are no such things as slutty girls, just ones who make really bad decisions. Then let people find out about them. Repeatedly. 21. Not wanting to talk to you is not why we don't call you. 22. A big butt is negated by a big gut. 23. The tough guy thing isn't a front, it's actually much worse when you're not around. 24. Your eyelashes are fine without mascara. Your lack of eyelashes aren't. 25. You can't fart until we do it first. After that, it's a free-for-all. 26. Morning breath is sexy sometimes. That's the only time bad breath is acceptable. 27. Moving our balls around is something we ALL do from time to time. We're just 'adjusting'. 28. We don't ALL masturbate, but most of us do. Some more than others. Sometimes we're actually thinking about you. 29. Enjoying porn is better than cheating. So don't complain. 30. Boobs are boobs. As long as your bra isn't still in training. 31. Doggystyle and reverse cowgirl are our favorite positions whether you feel degraded or not. 32. Grabbing your butt in public should be OK for us to do. We could be grabbing other, more inappropriate, things.... 33. The smell of your hair is your most important smell of all. 34. It's a turn-on when you're all sweaty after the gym/sex. 35. There is a big difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat. And we know that difference. 36. Real women have curves. But real women don't have guts. Older men have guts. Are you an older man? Don't have a gut. 37. We are attention whores too. 38. We never compliment you as much as we would like to. 39. We are always going to be suspicious of you talking to an ex-hookup/boyfriend. 40. Don't be offended by a little sexual direction. 41. Every time we have sex we're auditioning for the next opportunity. 42. You just lying there isn't going to turn us on. 43. There is never a bad time for a blowjob. Assuming neither my mother nor any kids are nearby. 44. Yes, we think your friends are hot, but we always think you're hotter. 45. We'd be happier if you slept naked. 46. We know threesomes are a bad idea. That's why we have you to say no. 47. Chick flicks aren't that bad. We will only watch each chick flick once though. 48. Teasing you is never serious. If you want it stopped, just ask. 49. We realize 'faking it' is sometimes necessary. We would just rather not know it's fake. 50. Just because we want you over all the time doesn't mean we want you to move in. 51. The first time we say we love you isn't the first time we decided that we did. 52. The vagina intrigues us. Let us explore it once in a while.

Elevator Ettiquette

1. Stop The Farts. Don't do it. Not because of the smell or the overall wrongness of it. I hate it when someone farts in the elevator and then leaves before I get in. Then everyone who get on with me thinks it was me busting ass up and down the building. Like I need another bad nickname at work. 2. Exit, then enter. Wait for me to get off before you get on. I WILL run you over. It's going to happen. When that happens, don't get mad at me because I broke your hip. It's your fault that you're old, not mine. 3. No Jumping. Just stop. It freaks me out a little. I would never pull a U-turn on a one way street with you in the car, so don't jump in my elevator. Besides, it would be just my luck that you falling on me would be the cause of my death, not the 'vator crash. 4. No Riding. Are you that bored? Really? Are you the reason I've been waiting for the elevator for 15 minutes? And no, I couldn't have taken the stairs. You fail to notice the eight pieces of luggage I'm toting. I refuse to tip a bellboy. 5. Flashing Is Encouraged. Inside the elevator is the perfect time for a woman to flash an unsuspecting 'vator rider. How awesome would that be? No one else will know or see. I should write laws. I'm running for Congress. 6. Please No Unneeded Talking. I'm avoiding eye contact with you for a reason. I don't care what new place you went to last night. I don't care how "under appreciated" you are around here. I don't care about your kids' report card. Leave me alone. 7. You Are Too Loud. Small spaces ensure that the needs to yell are suppressed. For normal people anyway. Use your library voices. Use your dinner-time voices. Use some common sense. 8. Not moving. Dude, I'm just trying to get on. Please move to the back when I get on. It's not a race to get off. Goes the same for when I need to exit. Let me through. The extra 4 seconds you get from getting off first is not gonna win you a million dollars. If it will, I want in. 9. Kids Kids are for the stairs. That's why they have all of that energy. I really hate it when kids are loud in the elevator. AND they push all the buttons. Not that I'm in a hurry or anything, I just don't want to take the tour. Or hear the *ding* 25 times. They don't make good 'vator mates either. Sure they can stare at me all they want, but when I stare back then I'm the pervert. Damn double-standards. 10. Mis-punches "Oops, I pushed the wrong button. Sorry. I wanted the one under it. Oh, wait, not that one. Dammit. I'm so sorry." No, it's fine. I always wanted to know what the other floors looked like. Now I know.

Ode To Nicolas Cage

Oh, Nicolas Cage, you are quite the man. If only we all could act as well as you can. In every movie you star, you play the same person. Only the names change, how are you still working? You've ruined every movie you've attached your name to. Although Lord Of War wasn't bad, Jared Leto > you. For Leaving Las Vegas, an Oscar, good for you! I say Sean Penn was robbed, now he should have two. You're like Keanu Reeves, with half the charisma. You're better off doing appearances at young boys' Bat Mitzvahs. Your characters are all cool, so funny, with smarts. Who did you blow to get all of these parts? National Treasure was overrated, the second one too. But you got the big check, so coo coo kachoo. Next was soooo bad. It was the king of all flops I've seen better acting on an episode of COPS Botox'd to hell, your forehead seldom wrinkles. You're as interesting as vanilla cake, with vanilla frosting and vanilla sprinkles. I despise you Nic Cage, oh, I hate you so. But I liked you in Face/Off, you were the bomb, yo!

Happy New Years?

What is so special about New Year’s Eve? Honestly. So we go up a year, buy new calendars, and do our taxes. Is that an excuse to go party? Actually for me, a Wednesday is enough of a reason to go party, but that’s neither here nor there. I never really understood the significance of celebrating the New Year. A lot of people use this as an excuse to ‘start over’ and they toast to new beginnings or something dumb like that. If I honestly got an actual chance to start over every January 1st , I would have done a lot more shit during the past year. Illegal, un-recommended, ill advised, get fired for it type shit. Then at the beginning of the New Year I would be forgiven for all the crimes and sexual harassment I forced on others. All would be well, but it never goes down like that. Trust me, I’ve tried. Twice. What if I had a really great year? Why would I want to start over? All the superstitions that go along don’t make any sense either. I realize that a buttload of years ago there was this ritual or something about fertility or whatever that involved mistletoe and what have you. I get that. I do. That’s still no excuse to be hunted down at the company Christmas party by the creepy old lady in logistics that’s been divorced for 8 years trying to shove her tongue down your throat and her hand down your pants (old ladies love my sweet ass). That, and when you try to take advantage of tradition with the new girl in accounting, all of a sudden you’re a ‘sexual predator’ and a ‘danger to women around you’ and they make me take these fucking classes with perverts and degenerates talking about our motherfucking feelings like we were nine year-old girls. I mean their feelings. Whatever. I admit to nothing. The real problem is the need to party. I don’t like being forced to do anything. Sometimes I think about partying for six straight days, staying home on New Year’s, then partying the day after. I’m fucking hardcore like that. Even after all of that, staying home just screams ‘loner’ or ‘loser’ or ‘parent’. It’s like Valentine’s Day in a way. Both days you couldn’t care less about if you’re going out or not, but somehow you feel shitty if you don’t. Blame society…and Hallmark. With that being said, I'm going to go get drunk. Tip your waitress and drive safe.