My Happiness Is More Important Than Yours

Funniest Thing I've seen all week.

2008-11-19T18:37:00.000-08:00

We have a winner.

funniest thing I've seen all day 11/16

2008-11-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

Doesn't miss a beat

Funniest thing I've seen all day 11/15

2008-11-15T15:49:00.000-08:00

There was something at work, but I think the humor will get lost since none of you were there. Here's the second funniest thing of the day.

The funniest thing I've seen today.

2008-11-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

I think I'll start updating the site again. Maybe.

in case the embed doesn't work

Chick Slips And Slams Head On Stairs - Watch more free videos

Words of Wisdom

2008-06-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

There is no such thing as a stupid question.

There is, however, such things as an annoying question, a redundant question, a question of common sense, an ignorant question, and an unimportant question.

Ode To The NBA Playoffs

2008-05-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

I love you NBA Playoffs
you excite me so
who will win tonight?
Probably the home team, but who knows?

Stephan A. and his big mouth
Stuart Scott and his eye
is it really any wonder
no on watched till game five?

Oh NBA Playoffs you tickle me
everyone knows all too well
do you really need some many games?
I can't wait till the NFL

When anal sex goes wrong.

2008-05-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

So this story was passed to me be a co-worker a few years ago an d is now passed to you. Whether it be true or just a way for someone to feel cool for telling it is beyond me, but it's still pretty funny.

So my co-worker's friend, lets call him Jack, went on a vacation to Mexico one year. I think it was some time of shore leave from the Navy or something. Whatever, not important. What's important is that he went to Mexico and hasn't seen a woman in months.

He goes down with a few Navy buddies (I'm sure with their gay little white uniforms on) to Tijuana or Mazatlan to enjoy life away from the boat and maybe score some ass in the process. I believe the expression is, "He got more than he bargained for."

At a bar, he met a very attractive Spanish senorita with a reported amazing ass and a set of breasts (boobs, tits, whatever you like to call them) that would make you "arrive" prematurely. With all of these things going for her, he still thought he had a shot. Of course he did. He was an American soldier before American soldiers were hated. He could have ran through a few that night, but he focused all of his efforts on this one woman. Turns out she wasn't playing hard to get at all. Probably because she may have been a hooker, or at least his friends kept teasing him that she was. Regardless, he didn't care. He was banging this girl tonight.

They get back to his room, or the boat, or where ever (don't really remember that part) to do the deed. He may or may not have negotiated a price before the doing, but all of his friends assume he did and failed to admit it. They were doing what grown-ups in love do when he decided to be adventurous and have sex with her in an uncomfortable place. Not uncomfortable like the back of a Volkswagen (wink wink Mallrats), but uncomfortable in the dick-in-your-ass sort of way. Oh, what I failed to mention was he was raw-dogging her in the process, i.e. unprotected sex with a stranger.

So, he was doing the second most disgusting act a man can do, having unprotected sex in a female stranger's ass. He was enjoying it. He was loving it. He though this was the climax to his whole weekend and he would share/brag this story for weeks to come as none of his other friends were so lucky. He was a happy man. It was a good night. He finished the deed soon after this realization and disappeared while she was sleeping. Classy. Jack joined his friends back where ever they were supposed to meet (lets say it was some sort of breakfast place) and began to explain his evening. After getting through the larger chunk of his tale he went to the bathroom to get rid of some beer he had consumed during the night. Fire began to shoot out of his penis.

Not actual fire, but you know where I'm going with this. He had a burning sensation when he urinated. He wrote it off as the Mexican food (OK?) and went back to his friends to finish his story.

Next day: Fire Dick.

Day after: Pyro Penis

Another day: Flammable Phallus

Of course he thought he had an STD from the slutty skank by this time. He opted to go AWOL and get it checked out. He went to a free clinic and explained his unintelligent decision to the older, overweight female nurse while she took his manhood in her hand and checked it out. She did some probing, she did some tests, then I'm guessing she let out some exclamation of a discovery bundled with laughter when she discovered the problem. A seed was in his urethra. A jalapeno pepper seed from that strange girl's ass was lodged in his pee-hole and that was where the burning was coming from. I'm sure she assumed it was some kinky thing he was into, but no, it was the byproduct of a wild night in Meh-hee-ko.

The moral of this story is: well, hell, do I really need to point it out?

Not Creepy At All

2008-04-30T14:35:00.000-07:00

He just wades in the pool
waiting to strike,
He will pounce on his prey
with all of his might.

He knows what he wants
his daughter's moon face
Hulk Hogan doesn't sleep
he just sits quiet and waits.

Ode To Republicans

2008-03-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

You can take your GOP and shove it
yes, I'm talking to you
you can screw it like you love it
because I know you do

You don't care about Black people
or Spanish or Arab or Asain
your mind is as narrow as a keyhole
eyes fixed on that inaugrial occation

grand ol' party indeed
all conservative and uptight
you think you're better than me
you think you're always right

But you will soon see
you'll be flat on your back
when your GOP nominee
is beaten by Barrack

Next Great Holiday

2008-03-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

Steak And A Blowjob Day.

Yep, that's what I said.

Some of you know about it, most don't. It is the man's unofficial response to Valentine's Day. I could explain it, but then you would't feel the need to click the link. So you should do that. Click it. Learn something new and celebrate it like Hallmark made ornaments for it. March 14th. Cook and blow.

The Meaning Behind The Colors of Roses

2008-02-14T22:32:00.000-08:00

As found on some Yahoo! page.

You want to give your sweetie a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day. That's a classy move. Think twice, though, before plucking any random bunch of blooms. If your special someone is among the thousands of searchers hitting the Web for "meaning of flowers," he or she may have a funny reaction to that clutch of striped carnations. (What you just said: "Sorry I can't be with you.")

To save you the horror of broadcasting the wrong message with yellow chrysanthemums ("slighted love"), yellow hyacinths ("jealousy"), or bright and shiny marigolds ("cruelty, grief, and jealousy," oh my!), we've paired the week's most searched-on flowers with their generally accepted meanings. Select with confidence...

Roses - Love
Orchids - A belle
Iris - My compliments
Daisies - Innocence
Tulips - Declaration of love
Calla Lily - Beauty
Amaryllis - Splendid beauty
Hydrangea - Heartfelt
Anthurium - Hospitality
Daffodils - Chivalry
Chrysanthemums - Fidelity
Carnations - Pride and beauty
Lilacs - Youthful innocence
Birds of Paradise - Joyfulness
Tiger Lily - Wealth, pride
Peony - Bashful
Anemone - Anticipation
Sunflowers - Pure thoughts
Aster - Patience
Gladiolus - Strength of character

When it comes to sheer flower power, the rose is the "American Idol," the Michael Jordan, and the Beatles of botany, all rolled into one sweet-smelling, thorny cache. No flower comes close to its popularity. It draws its own "meaning" searches ("rose color meaning"), cooks up its own candy queries ("chocolate roses"),and sprinkles the Search box with its velvety parts ("rose petals").

If you're thinking of a dozen long-stemmed messages de amor for February 14, here are the week's most searched-on types of roses and their secret meanings...

Red Roses - Love and romance
Black Roses - Vengeance
Blue Roses - Mystery and intrigue
Pink Roses - Gratitude and appreciation
Purple Roses - Love at first sight
White Roses - Innocence and purity
Green Roses - Fertility
Yellow Roses - Joy and friendship
Lavender Roses - Enchantment
Orange Roses - Enthusiasm, passion

A Man's Guide To Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T15:27:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is a man's death trap. It will completely suck up your manhood and make you into the little bitch that you told your father you weren't. We spend an obscene percentage of our paycheck on flowers and candy and dinner and fruity anal lube and movies and this and that and it's just plain ridiculous. Valentine's day isn't even a real holiday. It's a day implemented by the government to perpetuate the economy until St. Patty's Day and so on. Conspiracy theorists unite!. Anyway, here are two short (really short) guides to either having a memorable romantic night with your loved one or just getting by.

How to have a life-altering Valentine's Day

Start out the day with some sort of loving communication. A phone call or text in the morning will brighten her day. If you live together, a simple 'I Love You' and a kiss on the neck to wake her is the way to go. If you don't love her, an 'I Don't Hate You' will suffice. Just get your point across.

You should get her flowers, just not a dozen roses. Nothing say's 'I put no thought into this whatsoever' as a cliche arrangement of a dozen roses. Go for something somewhat unique like orchids or lilies or whatever her favorite weed is. Now, if you must get her roses, get her either 3 or 24+. Nothing else will do. Unless you are a teenager, you want to either overdue it or use an oddball number. You don't want to be cheesy (unless it's the main theme to your relationship) and you don't want to be like everyone else (unless your name is actually Ever Ree Wonelce). With the flowers should come a side gift. Some candy is fine, as long as it's her favorite. If you don't know her favorite, you shouldn't be spending V-Day with her anyway. A stuffed animal is always good, but unless she's into bears, try to get an uncommon animal. It makes it memorable. Bears are the #1 threat in America anyway. Or says Stephen Colbert.

Dinner is a must, but avoid the crowds. If you need to go out, or she really wants to go out, it has to be fancy. You either go all out or go home. Personally, I like going home. If you can't cook, fake the fuck out of it. Get a female friend to throw down for you, shit, get your mom to do a little something. When the girl asks, tell her you had 'someone' help you. NEVER admit Momma had a hand if you wanna see your girl naked again.

Having something to go do or an event to attend is not necessary, but it adds to the fun. I try to do something I would regularly do to make it seem special. Dance, walk in the park, play strip Sudoku, listen to a drive-in movie, rob a liquor store, or anything that's uncommon in your relationship. Or give her the opportunity to suggest what to do. The only way to truly know what she likes is to ask. Of course, you lose some points if she has to decide, but whatever makes the clothes come off I guess.

At night, (gulp) you gotta cuddle. Spoon, hug, makeout, whatever makes her feel sexy. Show her you'd rather be right there with her over any other place on the face of the Earth. Even though it'll probably happen, don't expect to get laid. You want her to think you did this all to make her feel special and not to get your dick wet. If you do end up fucking, make sure you cover all the 'bases' (i.e. eat at the 'Y'). Afterward, kiss, hug, or what have you, then don't make her sleep in the wet spot.

The whole goal is for her to tell all of her friends how great you are and make you that boyfriend that does it all. It make you look good, and it makes her one to be envied. All girls want to be envied.

How to just get by.

If there's an unattached chick you're trying to get at, you may have to spend your beer money on her this day, but not all of it.

Make sure you make plans before V-Day, but not too far in advance. Maybe just earlier that week. Be real nonchalant about it, but let her know (or just think) she was the only girl you asked. That day, confirm your plans so you won't be assed out that night. You could always go to the bar, but you don't wanna have to.

Get her some flowers, but nothing expensive. Some wildflowers or a dozen roses from the grocery store will do. Something. No gifts, no candy, and none of those little crusty-ass heart shaped candies from the fourth grade. She'll just be happy that she's not alone.

The most cliche, but also effective, plan for V-Day is a dinner and a movie. You probably want something between Applebees and Azteca. Nothing expensive, but nothing that you can super size either. Then see some chick-flick where the funny, lovable leading man falls for the unlikely lady with glasses and they have a climactic kiss in the third act that sends them off into the sunset. Try to stay on the short side of 100 minutes. You don't want to tire her out....yet.

If you're under 21, skip this paragraph. If you're of age, time for drinks. Go to a club or a halfway decent bar. Try to stay out of your usual place because it will likely cheapen the night. Stick to mostly shots to ensure you won't be there all night. Although, beer will keep you from having to make an excuse to leave early. If you drink beer all night, your excuse to leave will be closing time. Either way, your entire purpose for being at a bar will be not to get her completely trashed, but to get her a little more loose and comfortable being ~~butt-ass naked~~ with you.

Now it's time to end the night (or begin it, I guess). If none of you have your own place, saying you're too drunk to drive is probably a good way to get a hotel. If she agrees to a hotel, you've probably accomplished your mission. If one of you have your own place, try to end up there. If that happens, you've probably accomplished your mission. If both of you have your own place, try to get back to yours. Taking her to her place is just leaving her with the possibility of thinking, "Maybe screwing my boss isn't such a good idea." or what have you. If you end up at your place, you've definitely accomplished your mission.

Wear a condom, bang it out, make sure the wet spot's on her side, don't cuddle, and then work the next day after taking her home or giving her cab fare.

At the end of it all, if you don't get any ass on this unholiest of unholy days, just remember you have March 14th to look forward to. "What's March 14th?", you ask? Only the greatest day before Thanksgiving. Click here to find out.

The History Of Valentine's Day.

2008-02-14T05:43:00.000-08:00

From The History Channel

Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday? The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.

From Infoplease.com

Roman Roots
The history of Valentine's Day is obscure, and further clouded by various fanciful legends. The holiday's roots are in the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, a fertility celebration commemorated annually on February 15. Pope Gelasius I recast this pagan festival as a Christian feast day circa 496, declaring February 14 to be St. Valentine's Day.

Valentines Galore
Which St. Valentine this early pope intended to honor remains a mystery: according to the Catholic Encyclopedia, there were at least three early Christian saints by that name. One was a priest in Rome, another a bishop in Terni, and of a third St. Valentine almost nothing is known except that he met his end in Africa. Rather astonishingly, all three Valentines were said to have been martyred on Feb. 14.

Most scholars believe that the St. Valentine of the holiday was a priest who attracted the disfavor of Roman emperor Claudius II around 270. At this stage, the factual ends and the mythic begins. According to one legend, Claudius II had prohibited marriage for young men, claiming that bachelors made better soldiers. Valentine continued to secretly perform marriage ceremonies but was eventually apprehended by the Romans and put to death. Another legend has it that Valentine, imprisoned by Claudius, fell in love with the daughter of his jailer. Before he was executed, he allegedly sent her a letter signed "from your Valentine." Probably the most plausible story surrounding St. Valentine is one not focused on Eros (passionate love) but on agape (Christian love): he was martyred for refusing to renounce his religion.

In 1969, the Catholic Church revised its liturgical calendar, removing the feast days of saints whose historical origins were questionable. St. Valentine was one of the casualties.

Chaucer's Love Birds
It was not until the 14th century that this Christian feast day became definitively associated with love. According to UCLA medieval scholar Henry Ansgar Kelly, author of Chaucer and the Cult of Saint Valentine, it was Chaucer who first linked St. Valentine's Day with romance.

In 1381, Chaucer composed a poem in honor of the engagement between England's Richard II and Anne of Bohemia. As was the poetic tradition, Chaucer associated the occasion with a feast day. In "The Parliament of Fowls," the royal engagement, the mating season of birds, and St. Valentine's Day are linked:

For this was on St. Valentine's Day,
When every fowl cometh there to choose his mate.

Tradition of Valentine's Cards
Over the centuries, the holiday evolved, and by the 18th century, gift-giving and exchanging hand-made cards on Valentine's Day had become common in England. Hand-made valentine cards made of lace, ribbons, and featuring cupids and hearts eventually spread to the American colonies. The tradition of Valentine's cards did not become widespread in the United States, however, until the 1850s, when Esther A. Howland, a Mount Holyoke graduate and native of Worcester, Mass., began mass-producing them. Today, of course, the holiday has become a booming commercial success. According to the Greeting Card Association, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines.

More stuff on this shit day that is too long to copy and paste. This time from Wikipedia

Poems for Valentine's Day

2008-02-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

Here are some links to places where you can find poems for V-Day and pass them off as your own to your significant other. I hate thieves.

Sex Poems V-Day poems Erotic Poems My Poems

FHM's Kama Sutra

2008-02-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

Purely awesome. May or may not be safe for work. No nudity.

Example (and my personal fave):

What Guys Really Want For Valentine's Day

2008-02-12T14:06:00.001-08:00

Sounds fairly close I suppose.

Example of one:

A Thank You-In Early March. If your man goes full tilt on Valentine's Day-dinner, with candles, a table-side violinist, and a special dessert from the kitchen, you won't have much of an opportunity to launch your own romantic agenda. He's already planned the big show.

But you are free to demonstrate your appreciation in a number of ways, and one of the best is by planning a darn good time for the two of you a few weeks later. A woman who takes the lead (especially in response to the man doing so) is one of every guy's greatest turn-ons.

Valentine's Day Don'ts

2008-02-11T20:12:00.000-08:00

Is 'don'ts' even a word? Anyway, out of the millions of shitty, uncreative, annoying, obnoxious videos on YouTube, this was the least stupid.

Yes, I recycle holiday posts. How dare you judge me!

Do I smell a whore?

2008-02-09T01:14:00.000-08:00

Just found this. 5 reasons why your girlfriend may be a whore. I laughed.

Science says, "Big boobs make you stupid."

2008-02-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

When I get bored at work, I like to visit the Sport Illustrated website to stay updated on the latest happening in sports. Trades, scores, scandals, and anything else that'll help me forget I'm on the clock. One of the things I really love about that site is the SI Photos. The have a lot of different ones throughout the week highlighting current topics and various shots of fans and cheerleaders. They have a feature on there titled "Cheerleader Of The Week" that I find sort of interesting. A few months ago I noticed that all of their Cheerleaders Of The Week were flat-chested. Consistently. Week after week the put the spotlight on cheerleaders who excel in the classroom and on the field, and they all have no boobs (except Washington State, how do you like 'dem apples?). At least the last 19 weeks worth. The ones before that I just remember and chose not to take the time to download and upload and yadda yadda yadda. It has led me to believe there is a direct correlation between boob size and intelligence. This is based on absolutely no research or scientific studies, but I'm pretty sure it's true.

Side note: In Minnesota, the cheerleaders cheer on ice skates for their hockey team. Pure, ice-cold awesome.

2008 Super Bowl Live Blog

2008-02-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

For the third year in a row, here is my Super Bowl Blog.
All times PST. Enjoy.

1:45 I can see what Ryan Seacrest was doing this time last year. "Yes, I'd like schedule an appointment for a manny-petty....What, you're closed on Sunday?...Super What?....I thought football was over."

2:00 Alicia Keys is the pre-game entertainment. Why isn't she the halftime entertainment. What was good enough for *NSYNC and Britney is not for her?

2:10 John Travolta is here for some reason. "Bolt" comes out later this year, whatever that means. His wife is hot. I'm expecting a lot of FOX related promos this year. It's what they do. I predict mostly American Idol commercials.

2:15 Is this Russel Crowe trying to tell me what America is all about? Was Morgan Freeman busy?

2:20 "We are now dedicating the next hour and something to the actual game tonight" Because you were wasting our time for the past 2 hours?

2:32 Just realizing that I really don't like FOX coverage. I'm glad it's only once ever 4 years.

2:35 Tom Brady gives Little Brother (Eli) the cold shoulder. Little Brother doesn't care. Is he banging a supermodel too?

2:39 God, I hate Terry Bradshaw. He's not funny, smart, nor original. "I like to humanize people, don't like x's and o's" Where's Madden when you need him? "See, what the Giants need to do is score more points. If they can outscore the Patriots, I think they can win."

2:42 Howie Long takes himself entirely too seriously. Relax. Not even the ACTUAL broadcaster who went to college for broadcasting takes it that seriously. Have a drink, Howie. It's the Super Bowl.

2:47 Something I didn't know until now: The Patriots are trying to go undefeated. I really would have thought more coverage would have gone to the Patriots and perfection. Seems like a big deal. More people should know about it.

2:49 Frank Whatever predicts the Giants. I kind of believe him.

2:54 All the pre-game bums go for the Patriots. Imagine that, going for the favorites. Way to do some research.

2:58 Yes, I know the constitution now. Thank you, NFL.

3:20 Jordan Sparks? The only American Idol winner to not sell records is singing the Anthem. Sweet? I'm betting she forgets the words. No takers. This is where I'd usually do some channel surfing, but I guess it's rude for the others here.

3:26 Jason Taylor gets the Walter Payton Award for only winning one game. I think.

3:29 Troy Aikman, A real winner. Oh, and Brady I guess. I swear, if Joe Buck gets a introspective too, I'm going to write a unsavory email.

3:30 My mom just asked me, "Is he the one dating that Simpson girl?"

3:32 Kick-Off. Been waiting two weeks and two hours for this.

3:37 Bud Light makes you breath fire now. Awesome. You have to love Godfather spoofs. I knew it when I saw/heard the first 4 seconds. Audi is an early front runner for best commercial.

3:46 The other LT didn't choke. I don't like this trend.

3:47 Diet Pepsi Max couldn't come with the funny. Not for me anyway. "What Is Love"? Really?

3:49 a) I need to get a big fake cheese container soon. Bud Light is going to save my girlfriend's next dinner party. b) I really, really hate Under Armor commercials. They make shoes now?

Random Thought: If I was Tom Brady, the Super Bowl would just be an after thought considering what he goes home to. Then again, he looks a little slow. Maybe he had a little afternoon delight before the game.

4:00 Kina Grannis. Hope she sells alot of records to make up for the 2 mil or so Doritos/Interscope put up.

4:04 "Wanted" looks bad-ass. I still want Angelina Jolie. Even though she is getting kind of old.

4:07 a) Huge pigeons are scary, but really funny. Fed-Ex has the upper hand as of late. b) Cars.com has a death match, not too bad. c) Coffee stains will cost you a job interview. Score one for Tide.

4:11 It's scary, but Little Brother is looking pretty good right now.

4:14 Little Brother throws an INT. There goes the confidence.

4:15 a) Budweiser got cute on us. When did that happen? Tired of the horse/Dalmatian gimmick anyway. b) I really wanna see Ironman. c) Not looking forward to Tom Petty. I picture him waking up from a nap in August with a call from the NFL/FOX saying, "Sure, I'll do the Super Bowl. Can I get paid in weed?"

4:20 Don't wake badgers or they'll eat your face right off. Yes, good advice Toyota

4:25 a) Careerbuilder.com says to follow your heart. Out of your chest and through the door. b) Lizards doing Thriller? Genius. We have an early winner in Sobe. c) Anti-Drug ads are really getting worse these days. Side note: All 8 people in the room get really quiet after said anti-drug ad. I laughed. They didn't get it.

4:29 Brady is getting beat on. 3-and-outs mean more commercial breaks.

4:30 I wish someone would metaphorically shoot Carlos Mensia in the face. Repeatedly. With a rusty, HIV-infected bullet. Metaphorically of course.

4:40 a) Unibrows are sexy now?. When did I miss that? b) The Barkley/Wade combo is like the classic Wilder/Pryor combo, but not.

4:42 a) Timberlake is pretty funny. So is Romo. It wasn't "Dick in a Box", but Pepsi makes JT funny again. b) Big mice like Doritos. I predict a winner.

4:44 Brady keeps going down. I bet Giselle tells her girlfriends the same thing.

4:55 Halftime. We forego Tom Petty for a Martin Luther King bio on BET. Advantage: Us.

5:22 Tom Petty goes back to the bus in search for the nearest Phoenix weed spot.

Random Thought: This is the most entertaining 7 to 3 game I've ever seen.

5:32 a) Salesgenie.com has the most racist commercials ever. First Indians, then Chinese, if the next one is with white people in black face, I'll be pissed. b) Shaq dominates horse racing for Vitamin Water. Hell, why wouldn't he. He's not dominating the NBA anymore.

5:36 Belichick challenges 12 men on the field. Shouldn't be allowed. a) Cavemen hate wheels. Not funny. b) Carmen Electra took time out from making bad movies to make a bad gum commercial. c) Richard Simmons for Cadillac or something. Good to see he is still getting paid for something other than blowjobs.

5:38 Turns out there were 12 men on the field. What a bad coaching mistake.

5:45 Toy Story and Wall-E combine forces to tell America nothing about either movie. Except there might be a vacuum cleaner malfunction?

5:53 a)E-Trade has a toddler buy stock. It's original. It also explains the recent Dow Jones dive. b) People shouldn't fly. Bud Light informs us of that.

Random Thought: I really feel like the Giants can win at any time. Scary, I know.

6:01 Another 3-and-out. Patriots are really disappointing right now. The Giants and their three points aren't all that disappointing. Peyton Manning is in the owner's box puking right now.

6:07 Inflatable Stewey really wants that Coke. They should have just hired Lindsay Lohan. She would have done it for free, only to be disappointed that the coke was actually Coke.

Looking back, that 14 point spread would have been a good idea.

6:16 Adam Sandler is making really bad movies these days. Its sad really.

6:23 a) Babies still buying stocks. It's actually really funny. Mom comments on the creepiness factor of the clown in the background. I call the E-Trade baby commercials the winners by a close margin over the Thriller lizards. b) Dog slobbers water, sells Gatorade. I really want dog slobber right now. Refreshing. c) House has been mentioned 6 times so far. I will miss it. But only out of spite.

6:27 Will Ferrell has really short shorts. I like my Ferrell without balls thank you. Oh yeah, "Bud Light. Suck one!"

6:35 The Pats are going to score.

6:38 The Pats are going to score. Maybe.

6:40 The Pats have scored. I call Wes Welker (White Chocolate) Super Bowl MVP...of my heart.

6:45 Peyton Manning is getting ready to suit up.

6:45 Donkey Lips was in a Super Bowl Commercial for Amp. And so was his nipples.

6:50 4th Down converted. Pats still sweating.

6:53 Little Brother just made Pats fans everywhere collectively shit themselves.

6:58 What?! No!! Where's the double coverage on Plax?

7:03 10 Seconds to go before I quietly sneak out of the party.

7:04 Snuck out. Just like Bill Belichick apparently.

Amongst the numerous FOX related plugs, The Sarah Conner Chronicles had 8, House had 6, American Idol had 4, and Prison Break had an uninspired 1.

In retrospect:

^%$%ing Matt Damon

2008-02-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

For the six of you out there who haven't seen this video, here is Sarah Silverman confessing to her boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel that she is indeed #$%&ng Matt Damon. But then again, who isn't #*^&ing Matt Damon. His wife, that's who.

I'm mostly posting this so I don't have to look elsewhere for it. Even though this video is EVERYWHERE.

Sarah Silverman singing with Matt Damon!! - Click here for funny video clips

Explaining the Super Bowl to your better half.

2008-02-01T15:45:00.000-08:00

Found this on The Batchelor Guy today. Click the link or read below. But eventually click the link. It's been my homepage for the last 4 months.

Anyway, if you happen to be watching the Big Game this Sunday with the wife, or the girlfriend, or the wife AND the girlfriend, here are some easy ways to explain the simplest of Super Bowl terms.

New England Patriots. They are like that award-winning Hollywood actress who is getting a little older, but somehow still looks great in a bikini. You know that she secretly cheated and had some “work done” early on, but you still respect how she looks. And even though you are jealous of her, you love watching her movies.

New York Giants. They are like your girlfriend you secretly make fun of, who is kind of chunky and still wears mom jeans, yet ended up with a really good looking guy. And you and your friends just can’t figure out how she did it.

Illegal Contact. You know how when you are on the dance floor and it’s okay for a guy to put his hands on your hips and grind a little too close, but when you leave the floor for the drink he owes you, he has to keep his hand off? Well, the first five yards are the “dancing”, and after five yards is the “drink”.

Pass Interference. It’s just like at the shoe store. If you see a pair of Jimmy Choo’s first, and are about to pick them up, another woman isn’t allowed to push you out of the way and grab them.

First Downs. Imagine you go on a diet and lose 10 lbs. You still think you’re fat and decide to lose another 10, towards your ultimate goal of getting into the jeans you wore in high school. But your jealous friends keep trying to keep you from reaching that goal, by taking you to dinner and making you order dessert.

Congratulatory Head Butting. You know when your girlfriend tells you she just got a designer dress on sale so low she practically stole it and you hug each other and jump up and down while you both scream in a high-pitched voice so loud that it actually hurts your head? Guys can’t reach that note so we bash each other’s head to equal that pain.

Play Action Pass. You think the play is one thing but it turns out to be another. It’s like last night when I asked you what was for dinner and you turned it into a fight about how I hate you mother.

The Red Challenge Flag. It’s like when one of your friends wears an outfit that she thought looked good when she put it on in the morning, but now that you see her in the light of day, you realize that those shoes do not go with that dress. At all. The red flag is like taking her to a mirror so she can have another look.

Roughing the Kicker. You know how you have forbidden me to ever touch your sorority sister since you found out that I once hooked up with her? The kicker is that sorority sister.

Zone Defense vs. Man to Man Defense. When I go shopping, I know exactly what I want to get, grab it and go. That’s like man to man. When you shop, you cover an entire floor of Macy’s picking up anything and everything that catches your eye. That’s zone defense.

Illegal Block in the Back. Remember last night when I wanted to try something “different” and you wanted no part if it?

and one added by me:

Two minute drill. You know when we have to meet your friends somewhere but I'm really horny and want the sex. Then you say we can't, but we do it anyway, just really fast to I can score before time runs out. Yeah, it's like that, but with a football.

New site/blog thing or something.

2008-01-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

I have a new blog/site up and kind of running now. It has the unimaginative name of, "Free Things For Me". It's just a page of occasional freebies and coupons and such. Pretty cool stuff. I've been pulling them from different websites for the past 6 months or so and saving a ton of money (especially fo Christmas. $70 off a digital frame!). I figured I would compile the ones that I like and present them to my friends and readers and what have you.

Not to self promote, but I will try to feature my favorite freebies of the moment along with valid online (maybe sometimes print-out) coupons for popular stores. Check it every so often as I try to update it often. Not so much the posts, but more the side bar content. Anyways, the site again is, "Free Things For Me".

52 things I wish women knew.

2008-01-21T18:18:00.000-08:00

I'm a firm believer in sexual learning. I believe that no matter how good, bad, confident, or insecure you are, one could always learn to be better. That is why I read Men's Health Magazine/web site. I try to pick up a few tricks here and there to make sure I'm always on top of my game.

While I was reading through the site a couple weeks ago I discovered a really good article titled "50 Things Men Wish You Knew" (referring to women of course) that I forwarded to a few people for laughs and insight. But it got me thinking. I wasn't complete. There's a lot missing from that list that I think I am more than qualified to add. Here is my 52 ADDITIONAL things that I wish all women knew:

1. Regardless of what you may think, as long as you keep the kitty clean, we enjoy being down there. "Smell" or no "smell".

2. Your hands are always welcome in our pants. In fact, it's encouraged.

3. Most vaginas are pretty. Trust us when we tell you so.

4. We don't know why we like your butt either. We just do. Don't get mad when we slap it here and there.

5. Girly clothes/colors are OK for a woman sometimes. Reminds us that you're still a girl at heart.

6. You don't need high heels to be sexy.

7. Tell us what turns you on. We sure as hell don't know. I mean, c'mon, look at us.

8. We have a favorite pair of underwear also.

9. There are few things sexier than when you go commando in your sweatpants.

10. Public Displays of Affection are OK sometimes. As long as we have somewhere fun to put our hands.

11. Your designer jeans are hot, but we don't care that they're designer jeans.

12. We stared at you before you began to date us. We'll continue to do so afterwards.

13. Foreplay goes both ways.

14. Secretly, we care about our fingernails.

15. Cologne is something we wear for you. Perfume is something you wear for you.

16. Kissing us with our stubble probably feels a lot like going down on you with your stubble. For that, we say, "Ha!"

17. We're proud of you being smarter than us, not intimidated.

18. Tans are overrated and overdone.

19. Blond hair reminds us of nudie magazines.

20. There are no such things as slutty girls, just ones who make really bad decisions. Then let people find out about them. Repeatedly.

21. Not wanting to talk to you is not why we don't call you.

22. A big butt is negated by a big gut.

23. The tough guy thing isn't a front, it's actually much worse when you're not around.

24. Your eyelashes are fine without mascara. Your lack of eyelashes aren't.

25. You can't fart until we do it first. After that, it's a free-for-all.

26. Morning breath is sexy sometimes. That's the only time bad breath is acceptable.

27. Moving our balls around is something we ALL do from time to time. We're just 'adjusting'.

28. We don't ALL masturbate, but most of us do. Some more than others. Sometimes we're actually thinking about you.

29. Enjoying porn is better than cheating. So don't complain.

30. Boobs are boobs. As long as your bra isn't still in training.

31. Doggystyle and reverse cowgirl are our favorite positions whether you feel degraded or not.

32. Grabbing your butt in public should be OK for us to do. We could be grabbing other, more inappropriate, things....

33. The smell of your hair is your most important smell of all.

34. It's a turn-on when you're all sweaty after the gym/sex.

35. There is a big difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat. And we know that difference.

36. Real women have curves. But real women don't have guts. Older men have guts. Are you an older man? Don't have a gut.

37. We are attention whores too.

38. We never compliment you as much as we would like to.

39. We are always going to be suspicious of you talking to an ex-hookup/boyfriend.

40. Don't be offended by a little sexual direction.

41. Every time we have sex we're auditioning for the next opportunity.

42. You just lying there isn't going to turn us on.

43. There is never a bad time for a blowjob. Assuming neither my mother nor any kids are nearby.

44. Yes, we think your friends are hot, but we always think you're hotter.

45. We'd be happier if you slept naked.

46. We know threesomes are a bad idea. That's why we have you to say no.

47. Chick flicks aren't that bad. We will only watch each chick flick once though.

48. Teasing you is never serious. If you want it stopped, just ask.

49. We realize 'faking it' is sometimes necessary. We would just rather not know it's fake.

50. Just because we want you over all the time doesn't mean we want you to move in.

51. The first time we say we love you isn't the first time we decided that we did.

52. The vagina intrigues us. Let us explore it once in a while.

Elevator Ettiquette

2008-01-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

1. Stop The Farts.
Don't do it. Not because of the smell or the overall wrongness of it. I hate it when someone farts in the elevator and then leaves before I get in. Then everyone who get on with me thinks it was me busting ass up and down the building. Like I need another bad nickname at work.

2. Exit, then enter.
Wait for me to get off before you get on. I WILL run you over. It's going to happen. When that happens, don't get mad at me because I broke your hip. It's your fault that you're old, not mine.

3. No Jumping.
Just stop. It freaks me out a little. I would never pull a U-turn on a one way street with you in the car, so don't jump in my elevator. Besides, it would be just my luck that you falling on me would be the cause of my death, not the 'vator crash.

4. No Riding.
Are you that bored? Really? Are you the reason I've been waiting for the elevator for 15 minutes? And no, I couldn't have taken the stairs. You fail to notice the eight pieces of luggage I'm toting. I refuse to tip a bellboy.

5. Flashing Is Encouraged.
Inside the elevator is the perfect time for a woman to flash an unsuspecting 'vator rider. How awesome would that be? No one else will know or see. I should write laws. I'm running for Congress.

6. Please No Unneeded Talking.
I'm avoiding eye contact with you for a reason. I don't care what new place you went to last night. I don't care how "under appreciated" you are around here. I don't care about your kids' report card. Leave me alone.

7. You Are Too Loud.
Small spaces ensure that the needs to yell are suppressed. For normal people anyway. Use your library voices. Use your dinner-time voices. Use some common sense.

8. Not moving.
Dude, I'm just trying to get on. Please move to the back when I get on. It's not a race to get off. Goes the same for when I need to exit. Let me through. The extra 4 seconds you get from getting off first is not gonna win you a million dollars. If it will, I want in.

9. Kids
Kids are for the stairs. That's why they have all of that energy. I really hate it when kids are loud in the elevator. AND they push all the buttons. Not that I'm in a hurry or anything, I just don't want to take the tour. Or hear the *ding* 25 times. They don't make good 'vator mates either. Sure they can stare at me all they want, but when I stare back then I'm the pervert. Damn double-standards.

10. Mis-punches
"Oops, I pushed the wrong button. Sorry. I wanted the one under it. Oh, wait, not that one. Dammit. I'm so sorry." No, it's fine. I always wanted to know what the other floors looked like. Now I know.