My Happiness Is More Important Than Yours

Hardest I've Laughed In A Month

2009-11-20T10:23:00.000-08:00

Source

Sex affects your mood.

2009-10-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Just A Random Thought

By Far The Funniest Cartoon I've Ever Seen

2009-04-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Hopefully this can stay up a while.

Top Ten Movie Rape Scenes

2009-03-16T02:33:00.000-07:00

You seriously have a mental problem if you actually clicked with hopes of seeing a list. You sick fuck. I'm very disappointed in you. As is Homer. We all are. Zip up your pants and go talk to a friend. You, sir or madame, need help.

Does anyone really think such scenes are needed in movies anyway? Last House On The Left was my breaking point. Almost walked out. It doesn't make the movie. It doesn't add anything to it. It is a waste of film and time.

And that is my two cents.

Happy Steak and a Blowjob Day!

2009-03-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

Like the title says, Steak and a Blowjob Day.

I really don't think I need to explain this one. Click on the website for a semi-work friendly explanation.

Next Great Holiday

2009-03-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

Steak And A Blowjob Day.

Yep, that's what I said.

Some of you know about it, most don't. It is the man's unofficial response to Valentine's Day. I could explain it, but then you would't feel the need to click the link. So you should do that. Click it. Learn something new and celebrate it like Hallmark made ornaments for it. March 14th. Cook and blow.

My iGoogle quote of the day remixed

2009-02-28T12:26:00.000-08:00

iGoogle quote:
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
- Alfred North Whitehead

Remix:
If a woman jumps in your lap, it is because she is fond of you; but if your girlfriend does the same thing, it is because she wants something.
- Me

When is it OK to hit a woman?

2009-02-15T16:10:00.000-08:00

With all of this Chris Brown drama that has been going on this past week, I started thinking. Is it ever OK to actually hit a woman? You can't tell me there is absolutely no reason, at all, to ever punch a woman directly in the face. Or maybe backhand one square in the mouth. Or anything like that. There is a reason good enough for any action or reaction and every man does have a breaking point. So let's explore some possible reasons you may have to lay the smack down on a deserving female.

You are allowed to hit a woman if...

1. She is threatening your country with nuclear warfare.
2. She is keying your new car, using your daughter's lower jawbone.
3. She tells you she has cheated on you, then attempts to cut off your penis with a chainsaw.
4. She is holding your mother for a ten million dollar ransom, then when paid, refuses to deliver the hostage.
5. She stands right in front of the TV during the Super Bowl...and shoots your Grandfather in the face.
6. She's nagging you in the back seat, complaining about being lost, while she is choking you with a thin, very rusty string of barbed wire.
7. She ruins the ending to a movie you're enjoying by stabbing you in the kidney.
8. She is screwing Osama Bin Laden, in a house made of baby fetuses, while punching you in the balls with brass knuckles.
9. She gives you AIDS, then your father AIDS, then your best friend AIDS, then she threatens to spread it to the world's orphans.
10. She hacks your Facebook and puts up photoshopped pictures of you and random gay kiddie porn, then calls the FBI and reports said kiddie porn which turns out to actually be your little cousin who she kidnapped and forced to do unspeakable things.

Poems for Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

Here are some links to places where you can find poems for V-Day and pass them off as your own to your significant other. I hate thieves.

Sex Poems V-Day poems Erotic Poems My Poems

The Meaning Behind The Colors of Roses

2009-02-13T22:32:00.000-08:00

As found on some Yahoo! page.

You want to give your sweetie a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day. That's a classy move. Think twice, though, before plucking any random bunch of blooms. If your special someone is among the thousands of searchers hitting the Web for "meaning of flowers," he or she may have a funny reaction to that clutch of striped carnations. (What you just said: "Sorry I can't be with you.")

To save you the horror of broadcasting the wrong message with yellow chrysanthemums ("slighted love"), yellow hyacinths ("jealousy"), or bright and shiny marigolds ("cruelty, grief, and jealousy," oh my!), we've paired the week's most searched-on flowers with their generally accepted meanings. Select with confidence...

Roses - Love
Orchids - A belle
Iris - My compliments
Daisies - Innocence
Tulips - Declaration of love
Calla Lily - Beauty
Amaryllis - Splendid beauty
Hydrangea - Heartfelt
Anthurium - Hospitality
Daffodils - Chivalry
Chrysanthemums - Fidelity
Carnations - Pride and beauty
Lilacs - Youthful innocence
Birds of Paradise - Joyfulness
Tiger Lily - Wealth, pride
Peony - Bashful
Anemone - Anticipation
Sunflowers - Pure thoughts
Aster - Patience
Gladiolus - Strength of character

When it comes to sheer flower power, the rose is the "American Idol," the Michael Jordan, and the Beatles of botany, all rolled into one sweet-smelling, thorny cache. No flower comes close to its popularity. It draws its own "meaning" searches ("rose color meaning"), cooks up its own candy queries ("chocolate roses"),and sprinkles the Search box with its velvety parts ("rose petals").

If you're thinking of a dozen long-stemmed messages de amor for February 14, here are the week's most searched-on types of roses and their secret meanings...

Red Roses - Love and romance
Black Roses - Vengeance
Blue Roses - Mystery and intrigue
Pink Roses - Gratitude and appreciation
Purple Roses - Love at first sight
White Roses - Innocence and purity
Green Roses - Fertility
Yellow Roses - Joy and friendship
Lavender Roses - Enchantment
Orange Roses - Enthusiasm, passion

A Man's Guide To Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T15:27:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is a man's death trap. It will completely suck up your manhood and make you into the little bitch that you told your father you weren't. We spend an obscene percentage of our paycheck on flowers and candy and dinner and fruity anal lube and movies and this and that and it's just plain ridiculous. Valentine's day isn't even a real holiday. It's a day implemented by the government to perpetuate the economy until St. Patty's Day and so on. Conspiracy theorists unite!. Anyway, here are two short (really short) guides to either having a memorable romantic night with your loved one or just getting by.

How to have a life-altering Valentine's Day

Start out the day with some sort of loving communication. A phone call or text in the morning will brighten her day. If you live together, a simple 'I Love You' and a kiss on the neck to wake her is the way to go. If you don't love her, an 'I Don't Hate You' will suffice. Just get your point across.

You should get her flowers, just not a dozen roses. Nothing say's 'I put no thought into this whatsoever' as a cliche arrangement of a dozen roses. Go for something somewhat unique like orchids or lilies or whatever her favorite weed is. Now, if you must get her roses, get her either 3 or 24+. Nothing else will do. Unless you are a teenager, you want to either overdue it or use an oddball number. You don't want to be cheesy (unless it's the main theme to your relationship) and you don't want to be like everyone else (unless your name is actually Ever Ree Wonelce). With the flowers should come a side gift. Some candy is fine, as long as it's her favorite. If you don't know her favorite, you shouldn't be spending V-Day with her anyway. A stuffed animal is always good, but unless she's into bears, try to get an uncommon animal. It makes it memorable. Bears are the #1 threat in America anyway. Or says Stephen Colbert.

Dinner is a must, but avoid the crowds. If you need to go out, or she really wants to go out, it has to be fancy. You either go all out or go home. Personally, I like going home. If you can't cook, fake the fuck out of it. Get a female friend to throw down for you, shit, get your mom to do a little something. When the girl asks, tell her you had 'someone' help you. NEVER admit Momma had a hand if you wanna see your girl naked again.

Having something to go do or an event to attend is not necessary, but it adds to the fun. I try to do something I would regularly do to make it seem special. Dance, walk in the park, play strip Sudoku, listen to a drive-in movie, rob a liquor store, or anything that's uncommon in your relationship. Or give her the opportunity to suggest what to do. The only way to truly know what she likes is to ask. Of course, you lose some points if she has to decide, but whatever makes the clothes come off I guess.

At night, (gulp) you gotta cuddle. Spoon, hug, makeout, whatever makes her feel sexy. Show her you'd rather be right there with her over any other place on the face of the Earth. Even though it'll probably happen, don't expect to get laid. You want her to think you did this all to make her feel special and not to get your dick wet. If you do end up fucking, make sure you cover all the 'bases' (i.e. eat at the 'Y'). Afterward, kiss, hug, or what have you, then don't make her sleep in the wet spot.

The whole goal is for her to tell all of her friends how great you are and make you that boyfriend that does it all. It make you look good, and it makes her one to be envied. All girls want to be envied.

How to just get by.

If there's an unattached chick you're trying to get at, you may have to spend your beer money on her this day, but not all of it.

Make sure you make plans before V-Day, but not too far in advance. Maybe just earlier that week. Be real nonchalant about it, but let her know (or just think) she was the only girl you asked. That day, confirm your plans so you won't be assed out that night. You could always go to the bar, but you don't wanna have to.

Get her some flowers, but nothing expensive. Some wildflowers or a dozen roses from the grocery store will do. Something. No gifts, no candy, and none of those little crusty-ass heart shaped candies from the fourth grade. She'll just be happy that she's not alone.

The most cliche, but also effective, plan for V-Day is a dinner and a movie. You probably want something between Applebees and Azteca. Nothing expensive, but nothing that you can super size either. Then see some chick-flick where the funny, lovable leading man falls for the unlikely lady with glasses and they have a climactic kiss in the third act that sends them off into the sunset. Try to stay on the short side of 100 minutes. You don't want to tire her out....yet.

If you're under 21, skip this paragraph. If you're of age, time for drinks. Go to a club or a halfway decent bar. Try to stay out of your usual place because it will likely cheapen the night. Stick to mostly shots to ensure you won't be there all night. Although, beer will keep you from having to make an excuse to leave early. If you drink beer all night, your excuse to leave will be closing time. Either way, your entire purpose for being at a bar will be not to get her completely trashed, but to get her a little more loose and comfortable being ~~butt-ass naked~~ with you.

Now it's time to end the night (or begin it, I guess). If none of you have your own place, saying you're too drunk to drive is probably a good way to get a hotel. If she agrees to a hotel, you've probably accomplished your mission. If one of you have your own place, try to end up there. If that happens, you've probably accomplished your mission. If both of you have your own place, try to get back to yours. Taking her to her place is just leaving her with the possibility of thinking, "Maybe screwing my boss isn't such a good idea." or what have you. If you end up at your place, you've definitely accomplished your mission.

Wear a condom, bang it out, make sure the wet spot's on her side, don't cuddle, and then work the next day after taking her home or giving her cab fare.

At the end of it all, if you don't get any ass on this unholiest of unholy days, just remember you have March 14th to look forward to. "What's March 14th?", you ask? Only the greatest day before Thanksgiving. Click here to find out.

Valentine's Day Don'ts

2009-02-12T20:12:00.000-08:00

Is 'don'ts' even a word? Anyway, out of the millions of shitty, uncreative, annoying, obnoxious videos on YouTube, this was the least stupid.

Yes, I recycle holiday posts. How dare you judge me!

52 things I wish women knew.

2009-02-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

I'm a firm believer in sexual learning. I believe that no matter how good, bad, confident, or insecure you are, one could always learn to be better. That is why I read Men's Health Magazine/web site. I try to pick up a few tricks here and there to make sure I'm always on top of my game.

While I was reading through the site a couple weeks ago I discovered a really good article titled "50 Things Men Wish You Knew" (referring to women of course) that I forwarded to a few people for laughs and insight. But it got me thinking. I wasn't complete. There's a lot missing from that list that I think I am more than qualified to add. Here is my 52 ADDITIONAL things that I wish all women knew:

1. Regardless of what you may think, as long as you keep the kitty clean, we enjoy being down there. "Smell" or no "smell".

2. Your hands are always welcome in our pants. In fact, it's encouraged.

3. Most vaginas are pretty. Trust us when we tell you so.

4. We don't know why we like your butt either. We just do. Don't get mad when we slap it here and there.

5. Girly clothes/colors are OK for a woman sometimes. Reminds us that you're still a girl at heart.

6. You don't need high heels to be sexy.

7. Tell us what turns you on. We sure as hell don't know. I mean, c'mon, look at us.

8. We have a favorite pair of underwear also.

9. There are few things sexier than when you go commando in your sweatpants.

10. Public Displays of Affection are OK sometimes. As long as we have somewhere fun to put our hands.

11. Your designer jeans are hot, but we don't care that they're designer jeans.

12. We stared at you before you began to date us. We'll continue to do so afterwards.

13. Foreplay goes both ways.

14. Secretly, we care about our fingernails.

15. Cologne is something we wear for you. Perfume is something you wear for you.

16. Kissing us with our stubble probably feels a lot like going down on you with your stubble. For that, we say, "Ha!"

17. We're proud of you being smarter than us, not intimidated.

18. Tans are overrated and overdone.

19. Blond hair reminds us of nudie magazines.

20. There are no such things as slutty girls, just ones who make really bad decisions. Then let people find out about them. Repeatedly.

21. Not wanting to talk to you is not why we don't call you.

22. A big butt is negated by a big gut.

23. The tough guy thing isn't a front, it's actually much worse when you're not around.

24. Your eyelashes are fine without mascara. Your lack of eyelashes aren't.

25. You can't fart until we do it first. After that, it's a free-for-all.

26. Morning breath is sexy sometimes. That's the only time bad breath is acceptable.

27. Moving our balls around is something we ALL do from time to time. We're just 'adjusting'.

28. We don't ALL masturbate, but most of us do. Some more than others. Sometimes we're actually thinking about you.

29. Enjoying porn is better than cheating. So don't complain.

30. Boobs are boobs. As long as your bra isn't still in training.

31. Doggystyle and reverse cowgirl are our favorite positions whether you feel degraded or not.

32. Grabbing your butt in public should be OK for us to do. We could be grabbing other, more inappropriate, things....

33. The smell of your hair is your most important smell of all.

34. It's a turn-on when you're all sweaty after the gym/sex.

35. There is a big difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat. And we know that difference.

36. Real women have curves. But real women don't have guts. Older men have guts. Are you an older man? Don't have a gut.

37. We are attention whores too.

38. We never compliment you as much as we would like to.

39. We are always going to be suspicious of you talking to an ex-hookup/boyfriend.

40. Don't be offended by a little sexual direction.

41. Every time we have sex we're auditioning for the next opportunity.

42. You just lying there isn't going to turn us on.

43. There is never a bad time for a blowjob. Assuming neither my mother nor any kids are nearby.

44. Yes, we think your friends are hot, but we always think you're hotter.

45. We'd be happier if you slept naked.

46. We know threesomes are a bad idea. That's why we have you to say no.

47. Chick flicks aren't that bad. We will only watch each chick flick once though.

48. Teasing you is never serious. If you want it stopped, just ask.

49. We realize 'faking it' is sometimes necessary. We would just rather not know it's fake.

50. Just because we want you over all the time doesn't mean we want you to move in.

51. The first time we say we love you isn't the first time we decided that we did.

52. The vagina intrigues us. Let us explore it once in a while.

What Guys Really Want For Valentine's Day

2009-02-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

Sounds fairly close I suppose.

Example of one:

A Thank You-In Early March. If your man goes full tilt on Valentine's Day-dinner, with candles, a table-side violinist, and a special dessert from the kitchen, you won't have much of an opportunity to launch your own romantic agenda. He's already planned the big show.

But you are free to demonstrate your appreciation in a number of ways, and one of the best is by planning a darn good time for the two of you a few weeks later. A woman who takes the lead (especially in response to the man doing so) is one of every guy's greatest turn-ons.

New Day, New Chris Brown Fact

2009-02-12T00:49:00.000-08:00

Chris Brown says the Holocaust never happened.

Chris Brown fact o' the day

2009-02-11T23:50:00.001-08:00

Chris Brown invented cancer.

I'm a Twittering SOB

2009-02-06T11:49:00.001-08:00

I know this has been around for a year or so, but I'm hoping on the bandwagon now.
twitter.com/aaron253
Oh no! My real name!!

My Hero

2009-02-04T01:54:00.001-08:00

The Craigslist Social Experiment

2009-01-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

I got bored this week so I started a little experiment that ended today.

Disclaimer: Every photo I collected for this experiment has been deleted. If you were unknowingly part of this, you will not be exposed, nor will your naughty parts.

Title: The Craigslist Social Experiment

Introduction: I was killing time on Craigslist while bored at work. I find it humorous to sift through the casual encounters and adult gigs to see how fun your average person could be under anonymity. I discovered some ads for a Super Bowl Party asking for topless waitresses when I started wondering, "Who actually responds to these ads?" The I thought I should find out for myself.

Hypothesis: Most women are mistrusting and/or stupid and will do anything in the pursuit of a buck.

Materials/Equipment: computer, laptop, Internet, cleverness, perverted male

Safety Precautions: Used a fake email address, fake name, an anonymous Craigslist advertisement, and a random city in the above links.

Procedure:
Here was my ad:

I am having a Super Bowl party for some friends on Sunday Feb 1.

I need three college-aged ladies who would like to serve as waitress' and visual entertainment for the party.

I will provide Arizona Cardinal and Pittsburgh Steeler boy shorts and bikini tops for attire. All I ask is to bring the sexy. Topless will be preferred and heavily compensated for.

Please submit at least 3 photos (topless preferred) and a summary of your qualities for consideration.

We will arrange an interview when we have chosen our candidates.

Each lady will be expected to be present for five hours and will be paid $500.00 (min) each. Tips may double that, may triple for possible after game party.

EDIT: I have been getting a great deal of responses and am trying to respond to everyone. My final decisions will be made on Wednesday.

Location: XXXXXXXX
it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $500.00 plus tips

It took me 5 minutes to copy and paste someone else's ad, post it, create a fake email to confirm, and publish this work of genius. Within the first three hours, I had 4 responses. In total I had 14. 14 different women who wanted to get naked and serve my 'party' alcohol while we watched a football game. Here are a few examples of their responses:

"have you found ur candidates yet? To be honest, I'm a little unsure about it, ive never really done anything like this before, but I do have some bills i need caught up, so... ya iono. anyway, if you havent chosen your girls yet, let me know... maybe we can chat more and i can send osme more pics."

"Hello, I am interested in your superbowl party. I do not have a picture to send but you can check out my myspace... www.myspace.com/xxxxxx I am a diehard football fan myself, Ive followed this season almost entirely. I understand the game fully and I think Im pretty decent eyecandy ;-) well just let me know... thank you... "

Hey there. My name is xxxxx! I am super sexy, lots of fun, and would love to work your Superbowl party. I work as a bikini barista, so this gig is totally up my alley. Ive attached some photos for you too. I am located in xxxxx. I am 23, 5'7, 130-sh, blonde, hot, great smile, killer ass and just the type of gal you are looking for. Ive done similar work for paperview fights, etc."

and the simple

"College girl 21 years old. Attached pics."

Out of fourteen, six girls responded right away with slutty and/or naked photos. One responded with a cute wholesome picture (bless her heart). Out of the remaining seven, three ended up sending topless photos with one 'modeling' shot and one casual hot. Pretty good haul.

On the trust issue, they all failed except for one. The one that sent me a casual shot actually asked if this was real and said I could be just some creep. I assured her I'm not, and then she sent the photos. Everyone else came quickly with the boobs. Must be the economy.

I responded to each and every email thanking them for answering my ad and telling them I was 'getting hammered" with emails so the competition would be great. And, as predicted, they began to blindly one-up each other as I increased the requirements. All the while I had no intention of meeting, paying, or even speaking one verbal word to these women. The Internet is a dangerous place.

In the world of the dirty, I had a winner. This girl, I'll call her dyNasty, took the proverbial cake. Right out of the gate she sent me completely naked pictures of her chunky body. I knew I struck gold so I kept digging. After a few back-and-forths, she left me an opening.:

"ANYTHING you need, just let me know xxx-xxxx!"

I pushed when she said anything. After 15 minutes of negotiating, I talked her into giving oral sex to all ten fictional people while they watched the game at this fictional party. After the game, we were to run a train (def.) on her. All ten of 'us'. For a bargain price of $100 per person. Holy hell, this girl is a party herself. But wait, that's not the best part...

Most of these girls, including dyNasty, used their personal email to contact me. The same email they use for their MySpace accounts. 1 + 1 = 2 and I looked them up. dyNasty had an interesting page. It consisted of pictures of her and her husband getting married, saying how happy she was and how she was tired of men messaging her for sex when she is a one-man woman. Oh, except for banging a room full of guys for money. Oh, and she's all of twenty years old. Wait, wait, and her husband is in Iraq fighting a war and sending her paychecks every two weeks. Yeah, it had to be an Army wife. I am tempted to rat her out to her husband, but I feel he may kill her, being good with guns and all. None of my business anyway. I ended up telling her we found someone for cheaper and she stopped sending mail. She has standards.

My runner up was a very attractive woman, 23. She is the bikini barista quoted above. She was very quick to send me her boobs and ass (and quite the ass it is) and seems like a generally fun loving girl. This would have been the girl I hired if any of this was actually real. When I regretfully told her me and my 'friends' went in another direction, she fought for her spot. That's when I saw my window. I asked what she was willing to bring to the table. She mentioned something about making out with girls and wearing a whipped cream bikini. Good stuff. Since she was my last email to formally reject, I pressed further. She said she could get naughty. I asked how naughty. She said very naughty. I was already tired of the typing and clicking send so I was as blunt as possible:

"What I was trying to say in a not-so-direct way was these other two offered to give out blowjobs for every touchdown then whatever after the game. It was surprising, but the majority voted for them. Unless you can top that, I'll have to keep your number for our more r-rated parties."

She fired back and said she was hotter and classier than the 'BJ-duo' and she would be more fun also. Good for her. She fails the trust test, but passes the common sense test.

Data:
Fourteen responses to the ad.
Twelve sent pictures.
Five sent topless pictures.
One showed me her birth canal.

Conclusion: Most women will get naked for a stranger for the right price. Only a small fraction of them will take part in a gangbang.

I have far too much time on my hands.

"Well, the thing about facials is..."

2009-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

I was reading this again the other day and figured I'd bring back a classic. Orginally posted in Nov. 2006

I had a conversation with a female friend of mine the other night at the bar. She told me she didn't get the whole 'facial thing' that guys like to do. She went on to say how gross it was and how pointless it seems and she couldn't understand what's so great about it. I felt it was my duty as a man to break it down for her. I had a few drinks, but I'm sure this is pretty close to what I told her:

"Guys have their thing and girls have their thing. Its different, but its the same. Its all about a mental stimulation because, honestly, it really doesn't feel any different if we cum in or on you or anywhere else. Its all mental. It lets us know that you care about pleasing us.

Just think about me taking you out on a romantic night. We go to a nice restaurant and have a really great meal. Maybe your favorite. We possibly see a movie that you've been wanting to catch for over a week now. Afterwards we would take a quiet stroll along the waterfront and take in the scenery and the sea air while we hold hands. Real romantic shit, right? When we were done there, we would go to a hotel room or whatever and there would be candles fucking everywhere and rose petals on the bed and the whole nine. I would give you a massage and kiss you on your neck and your stomach and whisper things in your ear like how sexy you are and how turned on I am. It would be something you would absolutely love and you'd talk about it with your girlfriends for days to come. Then we'd have sex and at the end I might just bust all over your face.

I did something for you that lasted several hours that I probably didn't care for and you did something for me that lasted 5 or so minutes, depending on how long it takes before you decide to clean up, that you really don't care for. Its all about pleasing each other.

Even if it was as simple as me eating you out. I enjoy doing it because it's fun for me, but I don't get off on it. But I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for you. So don't be so fucking selfish."

If I could go back in time, I would have also added this:

"The same goes for swallowing. Its not like its human waste, excrement, or whatever. Its a byproduct of sex and it makes babies. Think about how we stick our tongue inside you. INSIDE you. There isn't anything else on Earth I stick my tongue inside other than maybe your mouth, and that's only if I like you. Then think about all the foul shit you swallow in a week's time. Like maybe blue cheese or black licorice or your mom's cooking. So what's the big fucking deal? Besides, worrying about where I can/can't shoot it can really ruin my orgasm. That's like telling you right before you 'go' to keep quiet because my grandmother is sleeping in the next room. You might as well tell me to hold it, run to the downstairs bathroom, and 'finish' while the toilet is flushing. That's not hot.

Just do what he wants you to do, then make him lay in the wet spot in return if it makes you feel any better."

Now I'm not saying women need to always take a shot off the grill or swallow babies every time she has sex. I'm not even saying she ever has to do it, ever. It's not a big deal and most of us couldn't really care less about it. It's pretty much a dominance thing anyway. Just be open to it.

...or if you're really kinky, ask for it.

the funniest thing i've seen all day 12/1

2008-12-01T14:20:00.001-08:00

The funniest thing I've seen all day 11/29

2008-11-29T13:14:00.001-08:00

Bunk Bed Leg Sweep

Funniest thing I've seen all day 11/26

2008-11-26T14:24:00.001-08:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Funniest Thing I've seen all week.

2008-11-19T18:37:00.000-08:00

We have a winner.

funniest thing I've seen all day 11/16

2008-11-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

Doesn't miss a beat

Funniest thing I've seen all day 11/15

2008-11-15T15:49:00.000-08:00

There was something at work, but I think the humor will get lost since none of you were there. Here's the second funniest thing of the day.

The funniest thing I've seen today.

2008-11-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

I think I'll start updating the site again. Maybe.

in case the embed doesn't work

Chick Slips And Slams Head On Stairs - Watch more free videos

Words of Wisdom

2008-06-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

There is no such thing as a stupid question.

There is, however, such things as an annoying question, a redundant question, a question of common sense, an ignorant question, and an unimportant question.

Ode To The NBA Playoffs

2008-05-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

I love you NBA Playoffs
you excite me so
who will win tonight?
Probably the home team, but who knows?

Stephan A. and his big mouth
Stuart Scott and his eye
is it really any wonder
no on watched till game five?

Oh NBA Playoffs you tickle me
everyone knows all too well
do you really need some many games?
I can't wait till the NFL

When anal sex goes wrong.

2008-05-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

So this story was passed to me be a co-worker a few years ago an d is now passed to you. Whether it be true or just a way for someone to feel cool for telling it is beyond me, but it's still pretty funny.

So my co-worker's friend, lets call him Jack, went on a vacation to Mexico one year. I think it was some time of shore leave from the Navy or something. Whatever, not important. What's important is that he went to Mexico and hasn't seen a woman in months.

He goes down with a few Navy buddies (I'm sure with their gay little white uniforms on) to Tijuana or Mazatlan to enjoy life away from the boat and maybe score some ass in the process. I believe the expression is, "He got more than he bargained for."

At a bar, he met a very attractive Spanish senorita with a reported amazing ass and a set of breasts (boobs, tits, whatever you like to call them) that would make you "arrive" prematurely. With all of these things going for her, he still thought he had a shot. Of course he did. He was an American soldier before American soldiers were hated. He could have ran through a few that night, but he focused all of his efforts on this one woman. Turns out she wasn't playing hard to get at all. Probably because she may have been a hooker, or at least his friends kept teasing him that she was. Regardless, he didn't care. He was banging this girl tonight.

They get back to his room, or the boat, or where ever (don't really remember that part) to do the deed. He may or may not have negotiated a price before the doing, but all of his friends assume he did and failed to admit it. They were doing what grown-ups in love do when he decided to be adventurous and have sex with her in an uncomfortable place. Not uncomfortable like the back of a Volkswagen (wink wink Mallrats), but uncomfortable in the dick-in-your-ass sort of way. Oh, what I failed to mention was he was raw-dogging her in the process, i.e. unprotected sex with a stranger.

So, he was doing the second most disgusting act a man can do, having unprotected sex in a female stranger's ass. He was enjoying it. He was loving it. He though this was the climax to his whole weekend and he would share/brag this story for weeks to come as none of his other friends were so lucky. He was a happy man. It was a good night. He finished the deed soon after this realization and disappeared while she was sleeping. Classy. Jack joined his friends back where ever they were supposed to meet (lets say it was some sort of breakfast place) and began to explain his evening. After getting through the larger chunk of his tale he went to the bathroom to get rid of some beer he had consumed during the night. Fire began to shoot out of his penis.

Not actual fire, but you know where I'm going with this. He had a burning sensation when he urinated. He wrote it off as the Mexican food (OK?) and went back to his friends to finish his story.

Next day: Fire Dick.

Day after: Pyro Penis

Another day: Flammable Phallus

Of course he thought he had an STD from the slutty skank by this time. He opted to go AWOL and get it checked out. He went to a free clinic and explained his unintelligent decision to the older, overweight female nurse while she took his manhood in her hand and checked it out. She did some probing, she did some tests, then I'm guessing she let out some exclamation of a discovery bundled with laughter when she discovered the problem. A seed was in his urethra. A jalapeno pepper seed from that strange girl's ass was lodged in his pee-hole and that was where the burning was coming from. I'm sure she assumed it was some kinky thing he was into, but no, it was the byproduct of a wild night in Meh-hee-ko.

The moral of this story is: well, hell, do I really need to point it out?

Not Creepy At All

2008-04-30T14:35:00.000-07:00

He just wades in the pool
waiting to strike,
He will pounce on his prey
with all of his might.

He knows what he wants
his daughter's moon face
Hulk Hogan doesn't sleep
he just sits quiet and waits.

Ode To Republicans

2008-03-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

You can take your GOP and shove it
yes, I'm talking to you
you can screw it like you love it
because I know you do

You don't care about Black people
or Spanish or Arab or Asain
your mind is as narrow as a keyhole
eyes fixed on that inaugrial occation

grand ol' party indeed
all conservative and uptight
you think you're better than me
you think you're always right

But you will soon see
you'll be flat on your back
when your GOP nominee
is beaten by Barrack

The History Of Valentine's Day.

2008-02-14T05:43:00.000-08:00

From The History Channel

Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday? The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.

From Infoplease.com

Roman Roots
The history of Valentine's Day is obscure, and further clouded by various fanciful legends. The holiday's roots are in the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, a fertility celebration commemorated annually on February 15. Pope Gelasius I recast this pagan festival as a Christian feast day circa 496, declaring February 14 to be St. Valentine's Day.

Valentines Galore
Which St. Valentine this early pope intended to honor remains a mystery: according to the Catholic Encyclopedia, there were at least three early Christian saints by that name. One was a priest in Rome, another a bishop in Terni, and of a third St. Valentine almost nothing is known except that he met his end in Africa. Rather astonishingly, all three Valentines were said to have been martyred on Feb. 14.

Most scholars believe that the St. Valentine of the holiday was a priest who attracted the disfavor of Roman emperor Claudius II around 270. At this stage, the factual ends and the mythic begins. According to one legend, Claudius II had prohibited marriage for young men, claiming that bachelors made better soldiers. Valentine continued to secretly perform marriage ceremonies but was eventually apprehended by the Romans and put to death. Another legend has it that Valentine, imprisoned by Claudius, fell in love with the daughter of his jailer. Before he was executed, he allegedly sent her a letter signed "from your Valentine." Probably the most plausible story surrounding St. Valentine is one not focused on Eros (passionate love) but on agape (Christian love): he was martyred for refusing to renounce his religion.

In 1969, the Catholic Church revised its liturgical calendar, removing the feast days of saints whose historical origins were questionable. St. Valentine was one of the casualties.

Chaucer's Love Birds
It was not until the 14th century that this Christian feast day became definitively associated with love. According to UCLA medieval scholar Henry Ansgar Kelly, author of Chaucer and the Cult of Saint Valentine, it was Chaucer who first linked St. Valentine's Day with romance.

In 1381, Chaucer composed a poem in honor of the engagement between England's Richard II and Anne of Bohemia. As was the poetic tradition, Chaucer associated the occasion with a feast day. In "The Parliament of Fowls," the royal engagement, the mating season of birds, and St. Valentine's Day are linked:

For this was on St. Valentine's Day,
When every fowl cometh there to choose his mate.

Tradition of Valentine's Cards
Over the centuries, the holiday evolved, and by the 18th century, gift-giving and exchanging hand-made cards on Valentine's Day had become common in England. Hand-made valentine cards made of lace, ribbons, and featuring cupids and hearts eventually spread to the American colonies. The tradition of Valentine's cards did not become widespread in the United States, however, until the 1850s, when Esther A. Howland, a Mount Holyoke graduate and native of Worcester, Mass., began mass-producing them. Today, of course, the holiday has become a booming commercial success. According to the Greeting Card Association, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines.

More stuff on this shit day that is too long to copy and paste. This time from Wikipedia

FHM's Kama Sutra

2008-02-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

Purely awesome. May or may not be safe for work. No nudity.

Example (and my personal fave):

Do I smell a whore?

2008-02-09T01:14:00.000-08:00

Just found this. 5 reasons why your girlfriend may be a whore. I laughed.

Science says, "Big boobs make you stupid."

2008-02-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

When I get bored at work, I like to visit the Sport Illustrated website to stay updated on the latest happening in sports. Trades, scores, scandals, and anything else that'll help me forget I'm on the clock. One of the things I really love about that site is the SI Photos. The have a lot of different ones throughout the week highlighting current topics and various shots of fans and cheerleaders. They have a feature on there titled "Cheerleader Of The Week" that I find sort of interesting. A few months ago I noticed that all of their Cheerleaders Of The Week were flat-chested. Consistently. Week after week the put the spotlight on cheerleaders who excel in the classroom and on the field, and they all have no boobs (except Washington State, how do you like 'dem apples?). At least the last 19 weeks worth. The ones before that I just remember and chose not to take the time to download and upload and yadda yadda yadda. It has led me to believe there is a direct correlation between boob size and intelligence. This is based on absolutely no research or scientific studies, but I'm pretty sure it's true.

Side note: In Minnesota, the cheerleaders cheer on ice skates for their hockey team. Pure, ice-cold awesome.

2008 Super Bowl Live Blog

2008-02-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

For the third year in a row, here is my Super Bowl Blog.
All times PST. Enjoy.

1:45 I can see what Ryan Seacrest was doing this time last year. "Yes, I'd like schedule an appointment for a manny-petty....What, you're closed on Sunday?...Super What?....I thought football was over."

2:00 Alicia Keys is the pre-game entertainment. Why isn't she the halftime entertainment. What was good enough for *NSYNC and Britney is not for her?

2:10 John Travolta is here for some reason. "Bolt" comes out later this year, whatever that means. His wife is hot. I'm expecting a lot of FOX related promos this year. It's what they do. I predict mostly American Idol commercials.

2:15 Is this Russel Crowe trying to tell me what America is all about? Was Morgan Freeman busy?

2:20 "We are now dedicating the next hour and something to the actual game tonight" Because you were wasting our time for the past 2 hours?

2:32 Just realizing that I really don't like FOX coverage. I'm glad it's only once ever 4 years.

2:35 Tom Brady gives Little Brother (Eli) the cold shoulder. Little Brother doesn't care. Is he banging a supermodel too?

2:39 God, I hate Terry Bradshaw. He's not funny, smart, nor original. "I like to humanize people, don't like x's and o's" Where's Madden when you need him? "See, what the Giants need to do is score more points. If they can outscore the Patriots, I think they can win."

2:42 Howie Long takes himself entirely too seriously. Relax. Not even the ACTUAL broadcaster who went to college for broadcasting takes it that seriously. Have a drink, Howie. It's the Super Bowl.

2:47 Something I didn't know until now: The Patriots are trying to go undefeated. I really would have thought more coverage would have gone to the Patriots and perfection. Seems like a big deal. More people should know about it.

2:49 Frank Whatever predicts the Giants. I kind of believe him.

2:54 All the pre-game bums go for the Patriots. Imagine that, going for the favorites. Way to do some research.

2:58 Yes, I know the constitution now. Thank you, NFL.

3:20 Jordan Sparks? The only American Idol winner to not sell records is singing the Anthem. Sweet? I'm betting she forgets the words. No takers. This is where I'd usually do some channel surfing, but I guess it's rude for the others here.

3:26 Jason Taylor gets the Walter Payton Award for only winning one game. I think.

3:29 Troy Aikman, A real winner. Oh, and Brady I guess. I swear, if Joe Buck gets a introspective too, I'm going to write a unsavory email.

3:30 My mom just asked me, "Is he the one dating that Simpson girl?"

3:32 Kick-Off. Been waiting two weeks and two hours for this.

3:37 Bud Light makes you breath fire now. Awesome. You have to love Godfather spoofs. I knew it when I saw/heard the first 4 seconds. Audi is an early front runner for best commercial.

3:46 The other LT didn't choke. I don't like this trend.

3:47 Diet Pepsi Max couldn't come with the funny. Not for me anyway. "What Is Love"? Really?

3:49 a) I need to get a big fake cheese container soon. Bud Light is going to save my girlfriend's next dinner party. b) I really, really hate Under Armor commercials. They make shoes now?

Random Thought: If I was Tom Brady, the Super Bowl would just be an after thought considering what he goes home to. Then again, he looks a little slow. Maybe he had a little afternoon delight before the game.

4:00 Kina Grannis. Hope she sells alot of records to make up for the 2 mil or so Doritos/Interscope put up.

4:04 "Wanted" looks bad-ass. I still want Angelina Jolie. Even though she is getting kind of old.

4:07 a) Huge pigeons are scary, but really funny. Fed-Ex has the upper hand as of late. b) Cars.com has a death match, not too bad. c) Coffee stains will cost you a job interview. Score one for Tide.

4:11 It's scary, but Little Brother is looking pretty good right now.

4:14 Little Brother throws an INT. There goes the confidence.

4:15 a) Budweiser got cute on us. When did that happen? Tired of the horse/Dalmatian gimmick anyway. b) I really wanna see Ironman. c) Not looking forward to Tom Petty. I picture him waking up from a nap in August with a call from the NFL/FOX saying, "Sure, I'll do the Super Bowl. Can I get paid in weed?"

4:20 Don't wake badgers or they'll eat your face right off. Yes, good advice Toyota

4:25 a) Careerbuilder.com says to follow your heart. Out of your chest and through the door. b) Lizards doing Thriller? Genius. We have an early winner in Sobe. c) Anti-Drug ads are really getting worse these days. Side note: All 8 people in the room get really quiet after said anti-drug ad. I laughed. They didn't get it.

4:29 Brady is getting beat on. 3-and-outs mean more commercial breaks.

4:30 I wish someone would metaphorically shoot Carlos Mensia in the face. Repeatedly. With a rusty, HIV-infected bullet. Metaphorically of course.

4:40 a) Unibrows are sexy now?. When did I miss that? b) The Barkley/Wade combo is like the classic Wilder/Pryor combo, but not.

4:42 a) Timberlake is pretty funny. So is Romo. It wasn't "Dick in a Box", but Pepsi makes JT funny again. b) Big mice like Doritos. I predict a winner.

4:44 Brady keeps going down. I bet Giselle tells her girlfriends the same thing.

4:55 Halftime. We forego Tom Petty for a Martin Luther King bio on BET. Advantage: Us.

5:22 Tom Petty goes back to the bus in search for the nearest Phoenix weed spot.

Random Thought: This is the most entertaining 7 to 3 game I've ever seen.

5:32 a) Salesgenie.com has the most racist commercials ever. First Indians, then Chinese, if the next one is with white people in black face, I'll be pissed. b) Shaq dominates horse racing for Vitamin Water. Hell, why wouldn't he. He's not dominating the NBA anymore.

5:36 Belichick challenges 12 men on the field. Shouldn't be allowed. a) Cavemen hate wheels. Not funny. b) Carmen Electra took time out from making bad movies to make a bad gum commercial. c) Richard Simmons for Cadillac or something. Good to see he is still getting paid for something other than blowjobs.

5:38 Turns out there were 12 men on the field. What a bad coaching mistake.

5:45 Toy Story and Wall-E combine forces to tell America nothing about either movie. Except there might be a vacuum cleaner malfunction?

5:53 a)E-Trade has a toddler buy stock. It's original. It also explains the recent Dow Jones dive. b) People shouldn't fly. Bud Light informs us of that.

Random Thought: I really feel like the Giants can win at any time. Scary, I know.

6:01 Another 3-and-out. Patriots are really disappointing right now. The Giants and their three points aren't all that disappointing. Peyton Manning is in the owner's box puking right now.

6:07 Inflatable Stewey really wants that Coke. They should have just hired Lindsay Lohan. She would have done it for free, only to be disappointed that the coke was actually Coke.

Looking back, that 14 point spread would have been a good idea.

6:16 Adam Sandler is making really bad movies these days. Its sad really.

6:23 a) Babies still buying stocks. It's actually really funny. Mom comments on the creepiness factor of the clown in the background. I call the E-Trade baby commercials the winners by a close margin over the Thriller lizards. b) Dog slobbers water, sells Gatorade. I really want dog slobber right now. Refreshing. c) House has been mentioned 6 times so far. I will miss it. But only out of spite.

6:27 Will Ferrell has really short shorts. I like my Ferrell without balls thank you. Oh yeah, "Bud Light. Suck one!"

6:35 The Pats are going to score.

6:38 The Pats are going to score. Maybe.

6:40 The Pats have scored. I call Wes Welker (White Chocolate) Super Bowl MVP...of my heart.

6:45 Peyton Manning is getting ready to suit up.

6:45 Donkey Lips was in a Super Bowl Commercial for Amp. And so was his nipples.

6:50 4th Down converted. Pats still sweating.

6:53 Little Brother just made Pats fans everywhere collectively shit themselves.

6:58 What?! No!! Where's the double coverage on Plax?

7:03 10 Seconds to go before I quietly sneak out of the party.

7:04 Snuck out. Just like Bill Belichick apparently.

Amongst the numerous FOX related plugs, The Sarah Conner Chronicles had 8, House had 6, American Idol had 4, and Prison Break had an uninspired 1.

In retrospect:

^%$%ing Matt Damon

2008-02-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

For the six of you out there who haven't seen this video, here is Sarah Silverman confessing to her boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel that she is indeed #$%&ng Matt Damon. But then again, who isn't #*^&ing Matt Damon. His wife, that's who.

I'm mostly posting this so I don't have to look elsewhere for it. Even though this video is EVERYWHERE.

Sarah Silverman singing with Matt Damon!! - Click here for funny video clips

Explaining the Super Bowl to your better half.

2008-02-01T15:45:00.000-08:00

Found this on The Batchelor Guy today. Click the link or read below. But eventually click the link. It's been my homepage for the last 4 months.

Anyway, if you happen to be watching the Big Game this Sunday with the wife, or the girlfriend, or the wife AND the girlfriend, here are some easy ways to explain the simplest of Super Bowl terms.

New England Patriots. They are like that award-winning Hollywood actress who is getting a little older, but somehow still looks great in a bikini. You know that she secretly cheated and had some “work done” early on, but you still respect how she looks. And even though you are jealous of her, you love watching her movies.

New York Giants. They are like your girlfriend you secretly make fun of, who is kind of chunky and still wears mom jeans, yet ended up with a really good looking guy. And you and your friends just can’t figure out how she did it.

Illegal Contact. You know how when you are on the dance floor and it’s okay for a guy to put his hands on your hips and grind a little too close, but when you leave the floor for the drink he owes you, he has to keep his hand off? Well, the first five yards are the “dancing”, and after five yards is the “drink”.

Pass Interference. It’s just like at the shoe store. If you see a pair of Jimmy Choo’s first, and are about to pick them up, another woman isn’t allowed to push you out of the way and grab them.

First Downs. Imagine you go on a diet and lose 10 lbs. You still think you’re fat and decide to lose another 10, towards your ultimate goal of getting into the jeans you wore in high school. But your jealous friends keep trying to keep you from reaching that goal, by taking you to dinner and making you order dessert.

Congratulatory Head Butting. You know when your girlfriend tells you she just got a designer dress on sale so low she practically stole it and you hug each other and jump up and down while you both scream in a high-pitched voice so loud that it actually hurts your head? Guys can’t reach that note so we bash each other’s head to equal that pain.

Play Action Pass. You think the play is one thing but it turns out to be another. It’s like last night when I asked you what was for dinner and you turned it into a fight about how I hate you mother.

The Red Challenge Flag. It’s like when one of your friends wears an outfit that she thought looked good when she put it on in the morning, but now that you see her in the light of day, you realize that those shoes do not go with that dress. At all. The red flag is like taking her to a mirror so she can have another look.

Roughing the Kicker. You know how you have forbidden me to ever touch your sorority sister since you found out that I once hooked up with her? The kicker is that sorority sister.

Zone Defense vs. Man to Man Defense. When I go shopping, I know exactly what I want to get, grab it and go. That’s like man to man. When you shop, you cover an entire floor of Macy’s picking up anything and everything that catches your eye. That’s zone defense.

Illegal Block in the Back. Remember last night when I wanted to try something “different” and you wanted no part if it?

and one added by me:

Two minute drill. You know when we have to meet your friends somewhere but I'm really horny and want the sex. Then you say we can't, but we do it anyway, just really fast to I can score before time runs out. Yeah, it's like that, but with a football.

New site/blog thing or something.

2008-01-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

I have a new blog/site up and kind of running now. It has the unimaginative name of, "Free Things For Me". It's just a page of occasional freebies and coupons and such. Pretty cool stuff. I've been pulling them from different websites for the past 6 months or so and saving a ton of money (especially fo Christmas. $70 off a digital frame!). I figured I would compile the ones that I like and present them to my friends and readers and what have you.

Not to self promote, but I will try to feature my favorite freebies of the moment along with valid online (maybe sometimes print-out) coupons for popular stores. Check it every so often as I try to update it often. Not so much the posts, but more the side bar content. Anyways, the site again is, "Free Things For Me".

Elevator Ettiquette

2008-01-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

1. Stop The Farts.
Don't do it. Not because of the smell or the overall wrongness of it. I hate it when someone farts in the elevator and then leaves before I get in. Then everyone who get on with me thinks it was me busting ass up and down the building. Like I need another bad nickname at work.

2. Exit, then enter.
Wait for me to get off before you get on. I WILL run you over. It's going to happen. When that happens, don't get mad at me because I broke your hip. It's your fault that you're old, not mine.

3. No Jumping.
Just stop. It freaks me out a little. I would never pull a U-turn on a one way street with you in the car, so don't jump in my elevator. Besides, it would be just my luck that you falling on me would be the cause of my death, not the 'vator crash.

4. No Riding.
Are you that bored? Really? Are you the reason I've been waiting for the elevator for 15 minutes? And no, I couldn't have taken the stairs. You fail to notice the eight pieces of luggage I'm toting. I refuse to tip a bellboy.

5. Flashing Is Encouraged.
Inside the elevator is the perfect time for a woman to flash an unsuspecting 'vator rider. How awesome would that be? No one else will know or see. I should write laws. I'm running for Congress.

6. Please No Unneeded Talking.
I'm avoiding eye contact with you for a reason. I don't care what new place you went to last night. I don't care how "under appreciated" you are around here. I don't care about your kids' report card. Leave me alone.

7. You Are Too Loud.
Small spaces ensure that the needs to yell are suppressed. For normal people anyway. Use your library voices. Use your dinner-time voices. Use some common sense.

8. Not moving.
Dude, I'm just trying to get on. Please move to the back when I get on. It's not a race to get off. Goes the same for when I need to exit. Let me through. The extra 4 seconds you get from getting off first is not gonna win you a million dollars. If it will, I want in.

9. Kids
Kids are for the stairs. That's why they have all of that energy. I really hate it when kids are loud in the elevator. AND they push all the buttons. Not that I'm in a hurry or anything, I just don't want to take the tour. Or hear the *ding* 25 times. They don't make good 'vator mates either. Sure they can stare at me all they want, but when I stare back then I'm the pervert. Damn double-standards.

10. Mis-punches
"Oops, I pushed the wrong button. Sorry. I wanted the one under it. Oh, wait, not that one. Dammit. I'm so sorry." No, it's fine. I always wanted to know what the other floors looked like. Now I know.

Ode To Nicolas Cage

2008-01-09T12:19:00.000-08:00

Oh, Nicolas Cage, you are quite the man.
If only we all could act as well as you can.
In every movie you star, you play the same person.
Only the names change, how are you still working?

You've ruined every movie you've attached your name to.
Although Lord Of War wasn't bad, Jared Leto > you.
For Leaving Las Vegas, an Oscar, good for you!
I say Sean Penn was robbed, now he should have two.

You're like Keanu Reeves, with half the charisma.
You're better off doing appearances at young boys' Bat Mitzvahs.
Your characters are all cool, so funny, with smarts.
Who did you blow to get all of these parts?

National Treasure was overrated, the second one too.
But you got the big check, so coo coo kachoo.
Next was soooo bad. It was the king of all flops
I've seen better acting on an episode of COPS

Botox'd to hell, your forehead seldom wrinkles.
You're as interesting as vanilla cake, with vanilla frosting and vanilla sprinkles.
I despise you Nic Cage, oh, I hate you so.
But I liked you in Face/Off, you were the bomb, yo!

Happy New Years?

2008-01-01T20:23:00.000-08:00

What is so special about New Year’s Eve? Honestly. So we go up a year, buy new calendars, and do our taxes. Is that an excuse to go party? Actually for me, a Wednesday is enough of a reason to go party, but that’s neither here nor there. I never really understood the significance of celebrating the New Year.

A lot of people use this as an excuse to ‘start over’ and they toast to new beginnings or something dumb like that. If I honestly got an actual chance to start over every January 1st , I would have done a lot more shit during the past year. Illegal, un-recommended, ill advised, get fired for it type shit. Then at the beginning of the New Year I would be forgiven for all the crimes and sexual harassment I forced on others. All would be well, but it never goes down like that. Trust me, I’ve tried. Twice. What if I had a really great year? Why would I want to start over?

All the superstitions that go along don’t make any sense either. I realize that a buttload of years ago there was this ritual or something about fertility or whatever that involved mistletoe and what have you. I get that. I do. That’s still no excuse to be hunted down at the company Christmas party by the creepy old lady in logistics that’s been divorced for 8 years trying to shove her tongue down your throat and her hand down your pants (old ladies love my sweet ass). That, and when you try to take advantage of tradition with the new girl in accounting, all of a sudden you’re a ‘sexual predator’ and a ‘danger to women around you’ and they make me take these fucking classes with perverts and degenerates talking about our motherfucking feelings like we were nine year-old girls. I mean their feelings. Whatever. I admit to nothing.

The real problem is the need to party. I don’t like being forced to do anything. Sometimes I think about partying for six straight days, staying home on New Year’s, then partying the day after. I’m fucking hardcore like that. Even after all of that, staying home just screams ‘loner’ or ‘loser’ or ‘parent’. It’s like Valentine’s Day in a way. Both days you couldn’t care less about if you’re going out or not, but somehow you feel shitty if you don’t. Blame society…and Hallmark.

With that being said, I'm going to go get drunk. Tip your waitress and drive safe.

'Twas the night before Christmas....

2007-12-24T22:33:00.000-08:00

From T-Shirt Hell's Newsletter three years ago. It's my fav.

Twas the night before Christmas, and back at my mansion;
My dog was balls deep, in young Scarlett Johansson

Three teenage runaways all chained to my bed,
Two sucked my tits, while the last gave me head;
The handcuffs were chafing, their collars on tight,
I warmed up the cattle prod for a long night.

A call from security disrupted my screwing;
An alarm had gone off, and some trouble was brewing.
I went to my monitor, scanned the estate.
The intruder was visible on camera eight.

A fat load of crap in a fuzzy red suit,
In a queer little sleigh with his bag full of loot.
Eight tiny reindeer the color of fawn;
This would be the last year they would shit on my lawn.

The hookers and runaways would just have to wait,
While I did what I did to protect my estate.
When I got to my parlor I saw Santa there;
My bodyguards had him strapped down to a chair.

They had beat him severely, they couldn't avoid it.
And Santa they said, well he rather enjoyed it.
"I came for your help," he told me with a tear;
"You're the only one who can save Christmas this year."

"We are so much alike, I know that much is true;
Since you also spread joy; just as much as I do.
I give everyone presents I don't ask to get paid
Is it so much to ask that I want to get laid?"

"A blumpkin! a donkey punch! the old Cleveland steamer!
Mrs. Claus is too old, and she won't let me ream her!"
I sympathized with the old guy this was true;
But there were some things (and some guys) that I just wouldn't do.

"I'll help the old dude" said a voice from behind me,
He looked over my shoulder and said, "Thank-you kindly!"
So, who would I thank for last minute salvation?
Why young Scarlett Johansson (from Lost in Translation)

Santa was thrilled and he did a quick dance
With a gleam in his eye and a tent in his pants.
She dropped to her knees and she spit on her hand,
As she undid his belt something happened, unplanned.

At the touch of her fingers he moaned and he farted;
And Santa was finished before he had started.
And Scarlett was literally covered in goo;
Like a young blade of grass in the fresh morning dew.

But more like a birthday cake covered in frosting;
Poor Santa collapsed the whole thing quite exhausting.
Scarlett licked her full lips and she said, "it's quite chalky."
"It's lucky for you that I'm into bukkake."

Well, Santa got up and he brushed off his suit,
As she licked the last drops of his seed off his boot.
Then Santa said, "Sorry, I guess one thing's clear:
It's that Santa should come more than one time a year."

Pure Awesome

2007-12-23T22:17:00.000-08:00

Sex Diaries. New Favorite Pastime.

2007-12-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

Not really Christmas related, but awesome none-the-less. Every Monday, New York Magazine publishes a new entry in their "Sex Diaries" column. It is a 7-day diary of different New York residents every week sharing their sexual behavior for the past week. It's mostly entertaining. Here's some good quotes:

"Joseph and I make loose plans to hang out later. Looking forward to the amazing sex, but I don't want this to come between me and my boyfriend......Call my ex-boyfriend while Joseph is in the shower. He doesn't answer. Joseph and I engage in fierce shower sex. "

"7:02 p.m.: Give oral while parents watch Jeopardy on the opposite end of house. I'll take Gag Reflex for $200, Alex."

"9 p.m.: Stand-up gig. I do seven minutes, then walk into bathroom where 35-year-old washed-up male hipster comic is getting blown by 21-year-old alterna-groupie. NYU students are pure class."

"7:32 p.m.: I make sure my bra and underwear match and I'm wearing my favorite Star Wars T-shirt. In other words, I'm feeling lucky tonight … or at least like getting lucky."

3:30 p.m.: Me: "So … instead of putting the vibrator on her, I put it on my tongue. It was like I discovered a whole new world. I felt like the Christopher Columbus of oral sex."
Cousin: "You need to invest in a Sonicare toothbrush. It's a world-class toothbrush, but it's also a very specific and powerful vibrator. I love the fuckin' thing. It cost like $120, but you can buy replacement heads for $12. I use it on my girlfriend, I use it on myself … super investment. When we get back to my apartment, I'll show you."
5 p.m.: At my cousin's apartment. The toothbrush is pretty cool. Either that or I'm very drunk. Probably a little of both.

I wish everyone kept a sex diary.

Who doesn't like a drunk Santa?

2007-12-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

Unless he touched you in some way, I guess. Anyway, this had me dying all day.

Babies hate Santa. God Hates Santa.

2007-12-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

Call it "Fat Man Phobia"

South Park Christmas Cheer

2007-12-16T19:11:00.000-08:00

It's funny, I guess. Couldn't find the actual video. Damn copyright laws.

Same. Meh.

The perfect Christmas present

2007-12-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

...and they say we're bad.

2007-12-14T16:24:00.000-08:00

You women will always throw out the phrase, "All guys cheat!", whenever you want to express your disgust with the men in your lives. "They're all dogs/sleazy/manwhores/dirty/whatever!" You say all of this to generalize all men based on the few unsavory experiences you or your friends had with just a small sample of the population. So you've dated some bad ones. I get it. So your friend's ex slept with her sister. That's too bad. Don't loop me in with all the other losers who have or will slut around on you. I'm not that dude. I'm not that guy.

But, if you must continue to be mean, I have my own generalized theory to throw back at you:

All drunk women are single.

Ok, maybe not all. Seeing as there's roughly 3 billion women on Earth, I'd say 95-98%. Maybe even half of those are actually single, so I'm already right about them. The other half, I am convinced, who are in "committed" relationships become instantly single after the introduction of mass alcohol. I'm not saying all of you ladies are sluttin' around and all-out cheating on your boyfriends/husbands, but you're doing stuff that you really shouldn't be.

After about three drinks, the boyfriend/husband is beginning to be just a memory. The things you find fun are innocent at first, may it be as simple as sexual talk or frequent touching. Or even a flash of cleavage for the amusement of male partiers or to disrupt the winning billiard shot. That's something a single woman could do, sure, not something you do while the boyfriend/husband is at home hoping you are okay and safe. It's all fine, right? You're just having a little fun. What he doesn't know won't hurt him as long as it stays friendly.

What about your boyfriend/husband? "I wish he was here but oh well, he should have came when he had the chance."
That was the somewhat-forgivable example.

Now introduce the fourth drink. You're overly enjoying a lot of lingering hugs and maybe some 'innocent groping'. Nothing major, just a few slaps/pinches on the butt or maybe a seductive shoulder/thigh rub. Maybe you've unbuttoned a couple up top to cool off and be sexier. Let the girls breathe. Even though you're a little jealous of the attention your friends that are actually single are getting, there's still fun to be had. You're dancing, you're having kissy fun with your friends, and you're feeling really carefree right now.

What about your boyfriend/husband? "Oh, he'll never know. I'm just having fun. Stop bringing him up."
That was the forgivable-but-not-forgettable example.

Fifth drink is glued in your hand. You've found your guy for the night. He is getting your full attention as is you are his. You're doing all the cliche things girls do for attention. The touching his leg and bouncing while laughing. The smiling eye contact. The sharing of the drinks. Your friends are encouraging you to get crazy. Get wild. Except for the one who actually thinks your boyfriend/husband is a nice guy. Maybe throw in some girl/girl kissing to turn him on. Maybe not.

What about your boyfriend/husband? "He never pays any attention to me anyway. Besides, this guy is so HOT!"
That was the borderline-whorish-start-an-argument example.

Sixth drink is being sipped at record speeds. The boobs are out from time to time. If they're not out they're being groped by at least one guy. Probably while you're making out in front of your friends. Oh and by the looks of it, you're in love. Short, sweet kisses. It's adorable to watch. That is until everyone remembers you have a boyfriend/husband. And it's good someone remembers because you sure as hell don't.

What about your boyfriend/husband? "Hmmm? Oh, I dunno. Have you met Rex? He's in a band."
That was the yeah-we-might-be-done example.

Seventh drink and beyond. You're a big whore with your tongue down Rex's throat. Hands in pants, falling into chairs, all over each other kissing. You've been cut off at some point, but you don't remember. Your friends are half entertained, half embarrassed. You and Rex are the only people on Earth anyway, so you really don't care. You're in the process of making plans to get systematically plowed tonight when you run to the restroom and never come out. Rex, pissed and horny, leaves with one of your 'friends' or alone. You suddenly remember you have an awesome, faithful boyfriend/husband at home and you call him, in tears, to come pick you sorry ass up.

What about your boyfriend/husband? "(sobbing) Please don't tell him! Please!! (pukes) I love him so much!! Blah blah blah, blah blah PUKE!!"
That was the you-little-skank-I-hate-you example.

Dirty Christmas Songs

2007-12-14T15:53:00.000-08:00

I'm fairly drunk right now. Here's what I can do when alcoholically handicapped....

12 Days Of Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.....

12 hummers humming
11 pussies poppin'
10 lap dan-ceeeeesssssss
9 strippers stripping
8 moms so milfy
7 pornos playing
6 hookers hooking
5 gol-den showeeeeeerrrrrrsss
4 calling girls
3 French maids
2 ATM's
And a threesome at the Double Tree

Jingle Bells

Running through these hoes
in a broke down Chevolet
down the streets we go
laughing miles away (ha, ha, ha)
sirens are spinning
making alleys bright
what fun it is, my robbing spree
gonna shoot and kill all night

Oh,
If you tell, if you tell
I'll dump you in the bay
Oh what fun it is to ride
on a punk-ass bitch today
Oh,
go to hell, go to hell
what more can I say
oh what fun it is to slide
in a big booty girl today

I was banging out this ho
a threesome's what I tried
and soon I had her girl
licking my brown-eye (ha, ha, ha)
she wanted me to spank
I told her I don't mind
I slapped the fuck up out that skank
and came right in her eye

Oh,
then she fell, then she fell
she was a good lay
oh it burned in her eye
and I laughed all day
Oh,
her friend smelled, her friend smelled
no shower in two days
I ran up in her insides
while her husband was away

Oh,
dealers sell, go to jail
they get out the next day
someone please tell me why
it all happens this way
Oh,
dirty girls, slutty girls
I like'em all the same
oh what fun it is to write
a Christmas song so lame

Silent Night

silent night, girl-on-girl fight
rip her top, bite her thigh
poke the virgin in her eye
holy shit, I think she'll cry
wow that bitch was a beeeeeeeaaaaast
she had some maaaaaaaanly feeeeeeeeet

silent night, her pants are tight
in her mouth, I will try
deep throat, ball-lickin' fun tonight
doggystyle, hair-pulling fun tonight
sleeping after I coooooooooome
pussy was beat like a druuuuuum

The Dreidel Song (or something like it)

I have a little dreidel
it's stupid and its gay
and when its dry and ready
i'll just throw it away

Oh,
dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
you are a waste of time
oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
you are no friend of mine

I love a curvey body
with legs I like to bend
and when she is all tired
my balls are on her chin

Oh,
dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
such a bad sex toy
oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
you are hard to enjoy

I like a girl that's playful
who loves to dance and strip
and she likes to use my dreidel
to massage her clit

Oh,
dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
you're so wet and sticky
oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
you did the job for me

A Scrubs Christmas

2007-12-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

Edit: Recycling old posts. Call them reruns. Happy Twelve Days Of Christmas!

You can find anything on YouTube. Here's "A Charlie Brown Christmas" performed by the cast of Scrubs.

More women should enjoy blowjobs.

2007-12-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

I wanted the title to be as blunt as possible.

These statistics aren't based on any scientific study or actual research. I'm just fairly confident that they're correct.

Single men have three kinds of sex....

2007-11-15T18:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, only three. I'm not including kinky, oral, fetish, marathon, or any type of sex like that. I'm talking about quality. Cut and dry. I'm talking about sex in its most simple description. Like the title says, single men have three kinds of sex.

Bad Sex

Most men say there's no such thing for us to have bad sex. "Women have bad sex. We always have good sex." That's not necessarily true. A good way to tell is to ask yourself afterwards, "Was that or was that not better that masturbating?" If you can actually tell yourself that rubbing one out to your old J.C. Penny's catalogue would have been even a little more enjoyable, then you just had really bad sex and the girl should look into taking lessons or lesbianism. If a single man has bad sex, he should immediately erase that woman's number from his phone, caller id, and the bathroom stall on which he found it. A number of things can cause bad sex, failure to finish and the "dead fish" being number one and two respectively. If you didn't cum due to the fact that she just laid there and had some sort of erotic asthma attack, you've had bad sex. Maybe guys can't deliver 100% of the time, but women who don't are just lazy.

Good Sex

If a woman makes us orgasm in the act of intercourse (health class word), we had good sex. It's just that simple. Two minutes or two hours, *pump* *pump* cum, moan, smile, collapse = *pump* *pump*, flip, smack, turn, *pump*, pull, scream, front, back, moan, smile, breathe. You can't fail. She can't fail. As a man, you're not supposed fail at enjoying yourself.

Great Sex

Mind numbing, dizzifying (I made that up), sweaty, intense, aerobic, whatever other adjective I can't seem to think of. These are all signs of great sex. Calling it outstanding or amazing or whatever women usually call it is pointless. Us men like to keep it simple. It's probably not how we describe it when she asks, but in our head, it was great sex. Waking the neighbors doesn't happen during good or bad sex. Scratch marks don't come from good or bad sex (unless it was a defense mechanism). Cursing God doesn't happen in good or bad sex. You may call out to him or something, but only great sex will make you see him and make her tell him to fuck off and stop perving.

Now, men who are having sex with a loved one (as in girlfriend/fiance/wife, you sicko) have only two kinds of sex: Good and Great. I refuse to believe that a man truely in love can have bad sex. It just can't happen. If you have a connection with her and you do the whole "eye contact thing", then your dick can break off and it would still be good.

Wait, no. I take that back.

You dick breaking off would definitely be considered bad sex and I would hope your girl would lay off the Kegel exorcises for a few weeks to prevent it from happening again. You get the point.

Watching my favorite movies: The Abridged Version.

2007-09-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

Fight Club
1st time: This is awesome......WTF?.......Wow
2nd Time: Ohhh, I get it.

Vanilla Sky
1st Time: Interesting........Whaaa?......Huh?
2nd Time: ?????
3rd Time: Ooooh, I see.

The Godfather
1st Time: This is cool......snore.
2nd Time: Where did I leave off?.........snore
3rd-100th Time: Wow.....Awesome

Scarface
1st Time: Awesome
2nd Time: Awesomer
3rd-200th Time: Awesomest

Half Baked
1st Time: Haha...I'm so high right now.....Dude, we need some Funnions.
2nd Time: "Hehe, pearl necklace."......HAHAHA

Old School
1st time: "God, I hate Luke Wilson"....Hahaha.......HAHAHAHAHA, ow my stomach.
2nd Time: "I'm so glad Owen Wilson isn't in this."

Wedding Crashers
1st Time: "God, I hate Owen Wilson.".....Boobs.......HAHAHAHA
2nd Time: "At least Ben Stiller isn't in this.".......Boobs.....HAHAHAHAHA
3rd Time: Discover jokes I missed before due to excessive laughing, laugh some more.....boobs.

South Park: Bigger, Longer, etc
1st Time: "I can't believe I took my brother to see thi....hahaha, donkey-raping shit-eater?!?"
Billionth time: "Hahaha, donkey-raping shit eater!!"

Maxim vs King: Subliminally making you waste your money.

2007-09-10T14:59:00.000-07:00

I was in the supermarket a few days ago when I strolled down the magazine/newspaper isle. Instead of picking up the Wall Street Journal or USA Today, I chose a couple girly magazines. One of which was Maxim Magazine. It's like Playboy, but without the nipples and vag and a lot more ads. I like it actually. You don't have to hide it when company comes over. Plus, Lindsay Lohan was grabbing her boob on the cover, so yeah. The second was King Magazine, or what I like to call Black Maxim. The tits are smaller and the asses are bigger, but its roughly the same thing. I've only bought Black Maxim once before due to the shitty writing by the columnists, but Kim Kardashian is on the cover, and she has a fat ass, so it magically appeared in my basket and in my heart.

My usual routine with these magazines is simple:

1. I rip out all of the cologne ad inserts, the "subscribe now" inserts, and whatever else is made of the thicker paper.
2. Skim all the pictures, front to back.
3. Read all of the "become a better man/improvement" articles.
and a few days later when I'm bored...
4. Read the featured articles.

When reading the features in both magazines I noticed a few things. Well, actually just two. Reading King Magazine gave me the craving for buying rims and having unprotected sex with girls with big asses. Reading Maxim Magazine gave me the urge to put on some cologne and get completely shit-faced. Here's why...

**Differences/Similarities.**
	about 200 pages	about 180 pages
Two-page clothing ads	6	8
Two-page ads for rims	0	9
One-page clothing ads	7	12
One-page ads for rims	0	14 (fucking 14)
Liquor/Alcohol Ads	15 (oddly enough)	9
Cologne Ads/Body Spray (post-insert rippage)	9	2
Menthol Cigarettes Ads	2 (plus one for Camel)	2
Cell Phone Downloads	2	1
Condom Ads	1	none at all

What I learned from comparing the two ethnically different periodicals:

1. Black folks are not pre-disposed to waste money on shiny rims. It is forced upon us by rappers and extravagant ads in the magazines we read.
2. White folks love to get drunk.
3. The 'man' secretly wants to keep the STD's in the minority community. There were no condom ads in King Magazine and I can bet you there aren't any in Lowrider Magazine either.
4. Even though there is a ringtone/wallpaper commercial on every 8 minutes on BET, there was surprisingly only one in King.
5. The boobs are definitely bigger in Maxim. The asses are extremely bigger in King.

Why is this so funny to me.

2007-09-07T18:31:00.001-07:00

Muscle Milk. Look at it. Study it. Read it aloud. What is the first thing you think of?

**hint: Semen.

In ya mouf

2007-09-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

I make no attempt to be polite with my language, nor do I desire to. With that being said, I have this to say....

You can tell alot about a person by the way they answer this question:

How much money would it take for you to put a picture of yourself on MySpace (or any massively popular internet website) with a dick in your mouth for an entire year?

Think about it. Man or woman. It's up there for anyone with internet access to see. Mom, Dad, ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, teacher, co-workers, everyone. Dick in ya mouf with two thumbs up and a wink to the camera.

This is all voluntary by the way. You say no and the picture is destroyed. Gone like your little sister's virginity. But, Big Daddy Moneybags comes to you and says he'll give you $10,000 to show the world. Too little? How about $50,000? $500,000? $5 million? Would you do it? Pretend its a twisted mini-game from The Price Is Right. A man offers you an increasing amount of money, but you don't know how high he'll go for his final offer, so you have to take what you think a move like that is worth. Or, of course, not take any money at all. But everyone needs money.

I would imagine there would be more yes answers for less money on the female side. Exactly how bad would that be? Who would look at them different? "Yeah, that's me in the picture, but I got like 15 grand for it." Is 15 grand worth everyone at work using that picture as wallpaper for their computer? Maybe she should have held out for 50. Maybe she thinks she made out on the deal. Some might do it for free. It's something every girl does anyway so the picture wouldn't surprise anyone. It's just there for on-demand viewing. If I were to be offered money for pictures of me going down on a girl, I probably wouldn't even accept the money. I would volunteer to do one of those 'Got Milk' type ads for vaginas as a PSA....without the white mustache. It would say something like, "I was offered a million dollars to do this ad. I turned it down because eating pussy is enough of a reward in itself. It builds strong (tongue and neck) muscles and a great source of strength for your bone (singular, not plural)." I'd be famous for cunnilingus. I think that's awesome.

Now, guys could get filthy fucking rich with this one. I would say no to the whole thing personally out of principal, but others would see dollar signs where their heterosexuality should be. Keep in mind, it's not a blowjob, it's just a very compromising and extremely gay position. In this instance, you wouldn't have a man in a purple suit with matching hat making you any offers. You go up to a professional looking lady and give your price. She may say yes, or she may say no, but you only make one offer. You have to not sell yourself short, but you don't want to blow your shot (hehe, blow). As a man, could you do it for a 500 mil? 50 mil? 50 grand? You could put a large sum of money in the bank and just live off the interest. Then the next time you take a girl on a date to Paris for lunch and London for dinner, she'll ask the deal breaking question, "So, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I have a picture of a dick in my mouth online. Here, use my iPhone to check it out."

New Word For Life: Flustrated

2007-09-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that "Flustrated" is not a word. I've been saying it since I was 2, but who am I to make up a word? Wait, I didn't.....

Yes, FLUSTRATED.COM

Wiktionary
adj. 1. Frustrated to the point of being flustered, or vice versa.

Langmaker
Flustrated adj. [< frustrated + flustered.] A combination of frustrated and flustered.

Coined By: Cori Swatek Earliest Citation:

Personal conversation with an acquaintance who was born and raised in Oregon. First heard about 1980.

Urban Dictionary
6 Entries

Oh yes, Webster's too. <-- Since when do I have to pay to look up a word?

Car insurance is a scam.

2007-08-31T18:20:00.000-07:00

Even the car insurance executives know this shit is the biggest scam since the moon landing. We pay big chunks of money every few months for a small card that says we're 'covered'. "Dude, if I hit you, you're shit will get fixed." As if to say without that card we're not liable for anything.

What gets me is the money you put into this 'convenience'. First you pay a certain amount a month. You continue to pay for, let's say, five years of perfect driving. Fuck, fifteen years of perfect, accident-free driving. That is money wasted. That is money you should get back. "But yo do", some would say. Only that when something happens, they do give you the money you apparently paid into, but they raise your rates to cover what they just paid to make sure you come out with a sore asshole. In addition to that, it's required by law to cover liability where I live. I think it's $10,000 or something. I could look it up, but I don't care. It's even enforced here. Marijuana laws aren't even really enforced here, but you better have that fucking proof of insurance on you.

My solution: Make car insurance a luxury. Sure it's smart to get it, but not legally needed. If you happen to rear-end someone and you don't have insurance, they just sue the shit out of you. That should be your incentive, not the $501-$1000 fine they force on you for not being 'covered'.

Oh, and I hate the commercials and direct mailers, so.....please stop.

Reason for all of this: I was pulled over for a stupid traffic "violation" and was also cited for not drinking the insurance Kool-Aid. I mean really, why have an HOV lane on an off-ramp that is NEVER busy?

Yellow line: The hundred-or-so feet of unneeded HOV lane
Red X: Fucking Pig On A Bike
Blue Circle: Where the REAL crime took place

The Viral Guide to Fellatio?

2007-08-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, the boredom.....

26 25 dumb things us guys might say in bed.

2007-08-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

1. "Are you sure you're on your period?"

2. "Is that the right one?"

3. "There's always a red light in my closet. Why do you ask?"

4. "You mean, like, "no", no?"

5. "Is it supposed to do that?"

6. "So, what's your sister up to?"

7. "Don't worry, if they come in, they won't stay long."

8. "Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy."

9. "You can't get pregnant during a full moon. That's just science."

10. "Could you pop that for me?"

11. "I'm going to assume your silence means 'yes'."

12. "This won't hurt a bit."

13. "My girlfriend does this thing with her tongue. Can you do that?"

14. "You need any money?"

15. "I really hope my mom doesn't walk in ...again."

16. "Does this mean you are doing my homework afterall?"

17. "How old are you again?"

18. "I really wish you didn't have a period. Wait, nevermind."

19. "Grrrrrr."

~~20. "You like that don't ya, bitch?"~~ Number 20 excluded do to extreme awesomeness.

21. "BomChika Wah Wah."

22. "No, I would NOT like a blowjob."

23. "You have a pretty asshole."

24. "I guess now is a good time to tell you...."

25. Any quote from any movie.

26. "I love you."

Random Proverb

2007-08-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

Women are like blackberries. You have to work really hard to get the good and juicy ones, even pricking yourself a few times in the process. All while the easiest ones by your feet have probably already been pee'd on.

Jury Duty Strikes Again

2007-08-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

So I honestly thought I would never have to do jury duty ever again. After my last experience I decided I will try not to avoid it. Over the last couple weeks a number of people around me have received summons for the larger courts in our area. I laughed, gave advice, shared my memories, etc. Little did I know what was waiting for me in the mail....

Just as the title says, I got hit again. This time with a lesser court. I guess my local city courts want me to give judgement. I find that ironic since in the same week I was ticketed for driving in an HOV lane AND driving sans insurance. Fuck them. The cost me $647 and they want MY help? The worst part is the way they do it in the smaller district. I don't get an exact day to appear. I filled out a "questionnaire" to determine if I qualify, then I'm expected to wait for a call in the future telling me what day to appear. I don't want to do that, so I wrote this down to deter them:

What I learned from the Simpsons Movie...

2007-08-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

Bart may have only three fingers (and a thumb), but he still has two balls.
If, as an animated series, you want to drop a curse word or two but are restricted by the FCC to do so, make a movie. (also learned from South Park)
Not all cartoons are made for kids.
Contrary to prior beliefs, Homer and Marge DO have sex.
Pigs make great pets.
Any TV show can string together four episodes and call it a movie.
Substitute the word "pig" for "man" and you can elude any pesky copyright infringment.
The government will always screw you over, even in cartoon world.
Eskimos have the best drugs.
Incompetense will save your life one day.

The Previously Unwritten Guidelines Of The Unmarried Man.

2007-07-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

If your sister flirts with me, I'm gonna hit that. It's gonna happen.
Blowjobbers need not meet an attractive requirement. She only needs to have a set of decent teeth.
The Six Month Rule is always in play.
What you say around your friends is irrelevant to whoever you are dating and vice versa.
The guys come first. This is always the rule unless the girl is hot and this is your only chance to get it.
Details of conquests must be shared within the work week. No matter how good/bad she looked.
You must make at least one trip to Vegas with your friends before any nuptials are exchanged. In addition, what happens in Vegas, stays... on everyone's camera phones for a period of two months.
Porn is bad for the soul, but good for the penis.
There is no need to ask for the last piece if you paid for the meal.
Playing video games count as having plans.
As far as dating is concerned, a DVD is way better, and more effective, than going to the movies.
Behind closed doors, you really like romantic comedies. However, you may not admit that. Ever.
T-Shirts are for $0-$15 meals. Collared shirts are for $15.99-$30 meals. Suit jackets are for over $30. Sports jerseys for Hooters and Denny's.
Six-packs are for models and atheletes. If any girl asks about yours, say you're "working on it."
Fat girls are an un-tapped resource. Literally. (see what I did there?)
Remember this:
Most guys go bald, most dicks shrink in cold water, some chest hair is common, we can't be pornstars every night, mild farting is natural, six inches is about average, and the ability to grow facial hair is manly. Every woman knows this already. Don't be embarassed.
Boxer briefs > Boxer trunks > Boxers > Briefs > Speedos/thongs > Commando. Ironically, its the exact reverse for women.
You don't need instructions.
You don't need directions.
You don't need help with anything. However, it's OK to ask.
Your list of Top-5 women will have three of the following:
at least one model, at least one pop star, a young actress who just had a movie out but will be a nobody in 4 years, and one that you think is a "shocker". Your list will be ever changing and always argued.
Assume every girl is a slut until proven otherwise.
Being in a band sounds funny at first, but will get you unusually large amounts of ass.
Revenge is a dish best served quick and bloody, not cold.
Cigarettes stink and are bad for you, but still make you look cool.
You need to be a semi-expert in at least one major sport, and just knowing key information in the others will get you by.
It is not necessary to know anything about cars, that's what money is for. Although, you do need to know how to change your own oil.
We all masturbate. Some more than others.
What you like in bed is not always what she likes in bed. Do it anyway.
After you turn 20, you will never (should never) see a 16 year old's tits ever again. Deal with it.
Public urination is a victimless crime, yet still punishable by an asshole cop.
If you didn't see anything naked in Vegas, you shouldn't have even gone. On second thought, you didn't even go.
Bill Murray as Phil Conners in Groundhog Day is brilliant. (watching it as I type).
Glasses make you look smarter. Sun glasses make you look like a douchebag.
The only body parts that you should work on are the biceps and the stomach. Leave your 'glutes' alone.
Every holiday is an excuse to get drunk. This includes Arbor Day, MLK Day, and Thanksgiving.
Bring a girl when shopping for clothes. Bring a girl when shopping for gifts. Bring a guy when shopping for weed.
Never show up early for a party for you will be bored. Never show up late for you will be nominated for a beer run.
A sedan will get you to work. An SUV will get you laid. A coupe will get you the clap.
Remember these numbers: 18, 21, 29, 49, 50, and 59. Why you ask?...

(18)- The youngest woman you should have sex with.
(21)- The youngest woman you should date.
(29)- the youngest woman you should marry.
(49)- The oldest woman you should have sex with.
(50)- The percent of your shit you have to give up when she's too old for sex.
(59)- The oldest you should be for such a divorce.

to be continued......

Whaaa?

2007-07-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

Why is awe-some so good, yet awe-full (or awful) so bad?

That is all.

I pollute.

2007-07-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, yes, I do. But here's the deal....

I do my best to make the environment better. Not in a 'tree-hugger' sort of way, but in a 'for my kids' kinda way. I recycle (at work), I eat organic foods (starting to anyway), I pee outside to conserve water, I even used to sell hemp products (in $20 increments). I do this and that to keep things beautiful. This means nothing in the eyes in of the Department Of Licencing.

I have an SUV. A smaller one, but one none the less. It's from '95, so I have to do emissions tests every two years (like most of you do here in the U. S. of A...ssholes). I found out last year when I bought it that it was doomed to fail the test. After doing some tricks, I passed the initial test. This year was different.

They were hip to my tricks and changed up the process a little. I failed like I knew it would. I visited my mechanic who told me, "Well, you need a new CAT converter. I could fix it now, or I can bill you for diagnostics and that will earn you a waiver for your tabs." Sweet. I pick option B.

I confidently drive to my next test and fail with flying colors. "Yes, I now I failed. I have a waiver."

The look these fuckers gave me was demeaning. Like I personally was going to ruin the Earth with my Chevy.

"Go ahead and pull up to the office to get your paperwork sir."

Suddenly I'm an asshole because I chose to save money. I pulled up to the office to finish up. The old chick behind the desk gave me the same look.

"Let's pop the hood." What the fuck for? I guess I'm hiding my supped-up hemi underneath the dirty, chipped hood of my aging truck.

"Sure, why not." Nothing exciting.

She proceeds to take her time filling out my paperwork and mentally shoves me outside. I journey to the DOL.

The lady behind the glass (with a huge hole BTW, who's that gonna stop?) gives me the same look. Even after I ask about the special Fight Child Abuse plate.

Cunt.

Taking the cheap way out does not make me a bad person. Paying my fees in quarters does, interestingly enough.

Worst TV Best Friends

2007-07-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

Every bitch on Melrose place
A little old, but timeless. If you lived here, you knew at some point that your best friend would fight you, sleep with your man, make up, then do it all over again.

Cartman
Why they still hang out with him, I don't know. But, don't we all have that extra friend who we really don't want around?

Jack Bauer
All his friends die at some point or another. Plus, he torutres your ex-boyfriends/husbands.

Bugs Bunny
He acts like your friend. He pretends he cares. Then he dresses up like a woman and makes you question your sexuality.

Garfield
He consistently kicks is live-in, hetero-lifemate directly in the ass and onto the floor from an unusally high dining room table. Yet, Odie still worships him. Cats are not to be trusted.

Bill Dauterive
He drives down property values with his less than desirable personality and dirty wife-beaters. He also constantly tries to hit on your wife in the most creepiest, stalkerish way possible.

Michael Jackson syndrome

2007-07-12T00:48:00.000-07:00

There's a horrible condition out there that no one talks about. No one reports on it. No one does some college study on it. It's called Michael Jackson Syndrome. No, it's not some child-loving sickness. It's a syndrome that could affect anyone. Rather than give you a definition, I'll just give you the classic example....

Michael Jackson never had a real childhood. His father forced him and his brother's (mostly him) to grow up too soon and be entertainers to help Joe (father) pay the bills. He never really made any friends. He never really got to play with any toys or play pretend or anything. So when Mike became older, he reverted back to his childhood in an attempt to re-live it and things got a little out of hand. In a nutshell, he missed out on a period of his life and he went overboard recapturing it.

How this relates to me or you is simple. When someone, anyone, involves themself in a long term relationship before the age of 18 or gets married before the age of 22, they give up thoroughly enjoying their young adulthood in favor of 'love'. When they inevitably break up in their late 20's and they find themselves clueless on how to function as an adult by themselves, they go buck-fucking-wild. This is for men and women.

They are drunk 5 days a week. Not out of sadness, but out of just plain partying. They are banging everyone in sight. They're buying all these outrageous outfits or a nice car, generally over-extending their finances like they would have when they turned 21. It's kind of sad, but fun.

So this is what I call Michael Jackson Syndrome. These people are all missing out on a wonderful time in their life and they are forced by nature when they are once again single to relive it. Like Michael Jackson.

Its the best comparison that I can come up with.

The fabled Jodeci spoof

2007-07-02T17:27:00.000-07:00

The single greatest In Living Color skit of all time is also one of the controversial missing skits from the DVD set. Apparently they wanted to save money by not bothering with copyright/licensing fees that were necessary to include certain musical skits, spoofs, and performances. That means it can only be seen in reruns on BET. If I had Tivo or a knowledge of when this episode (104) aired, I would record it myself and bring it to the internet for it is not available anywhere. I get lucky at times and I'll do my usual channel check before heading upstairs for sleep and I'll catch it. I just think its the funniest shit ever, plus, it's when America first found out that Jamie Foxx is actually not that bad of a singer. Bonus points for spoofing my favorite song ever.

What they're spoofing:

A spoof of the spoof, lip syncing the actual episode:

A not-so-great version:

The original version:

Things that should exist

2007-06-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

Pubic conditioner

Pubic hair is not the softest thing on Earth. It's not even the second softest thing on Earth. To compensate, we as sexually-active people groom (usually shave) our love jungle to keep from the inevitable friction burns and tangle snags. But some people don't like to shave or even groom. That's why there should be a pubic conditioner on the market for the people who like to keep things....unkept. Whether it's a buzz cut, a short shag, or a 70's bush that Linda Lovelace (Google it) could be proud of, it needs to be soft and sassy, silky and smooth.

The easily obtainable female orgasm

I mean, really. Is it necessary to put in all that work to reach the mountain top? The female orgasm (if it even exists) should be as automatic as a woman's initial "No". And I'm going to have to blame women on this. If men have to practice to go longer, women should have to practice to go shorter. But like I hinted towards before, it isn't real anyway.

The fabled money tree

...and I'm not talking about the check-cashing spot either. Why can't trees evolve to cut out the middle man and just sprout 10's and 20's. Or even better, why can't scientists come up with a genetic-splicing 'thing' that will solve this problem. When your grandparents tell you 'it doesn't grow on trees', you should be able to say, "Why, yes. Yes it does."

The time machine

Now, wishing for a flying car that jumps time periods when it hits 88 mph would just be a waste of a penny in a fountain. Asking for a phone booth that dials up great moments in history while having a guitar-playing George Carlin as technical support would be childish. I just think we need a Galaxy Quest-type (imdb) move-back-in-timer that only goes back 15 seconds or so. "Waste of technology", you say? Could you imagine being able to take back the last 15 seconds of your life so you could tell that skank you actually do have a girlfriend, or not punch the 6'5" gay biker in the face, or even take back slipping it in a girl's bu....you get the jist of what I'm saying. An invention like that would make life 7.5 times easier.

The 'X' chip

Think of it as the anti-'V' chip. They have the technology to edit out nudity and fucking profanity (see what I did there?) out of our favorite movies and TV shows, why don't they have the means to add boobs and 'fucks' to our most boring theatrical features? Could you imagine watching The Pianist with a nude scene tossed in every 37 minutes and maybe a few 'fucks' and 'cunts' thrown in there from time to time. You would instantly increase your entertainment factor a strong 2-fold.

more to come....

How I get girls.

2007-06-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

My friends always ask me, "How do you always hook-up with the hottest chicks?" I try to tell them first, don't call them chicks, then how easy it is, but they never believe me. I say, "Look, here's what I do....

First, as every other average guy does, I get them drunk. They let go of their inhibitions and the chastity belt is easier to crack. We drink shot after shot to ensure my place in her...well, in her. Then we leave so I can make her see God.

And by that, I mean take her to church. I'm a wholesome guy. I like to attend Sunday service and meet the reverend afterward while everyone empties out. When the chapel is completely deserted, that is when and where I blow her back out.

And by that, I mean we do some heavy lifting to help out the elderly. A little charity work is bad for the back, but good for the heart. From there it's pretty easy to get them guts.

Pig guts that is. Chiterlings (Google it). Down south cookin'. They're fairly gross. I'm not big on it, but some are. I'd rather have seafood, so instead, I like eating out.

At really nice restaurants mostly. I like fresh fish, lobster, and king crab. Price is never an issue. I like to splurge on ma bellay. After a good meal, I usually have enough energy to bang it out.

There's alot of banging involved with building houses for the homeless. I'm a giver. I like to help out those in need and project myself as a good person. Showing my caring side is the easiest way to get her wet.

Luckily there's a pool across the street where we all can get wet. I'm not much of a swimmer, but I enjoy sitting on the stairs and enjoying the sun and my date's bikini. Sometimes I do try to swim. That's when I go for the breast stroke.

It's much easier than the back stroke, so it's my favorite stroke. I be strokin'. I stroke it to the east, then I ever so slightly stroke it to the west. After all, it takes... different strokes to rule the world. Yes it does. After swimming for a while, we dry off so I can finally wax that ass.

I got a hairy ass, so I go to the salon to clean it up a little. Don't worry, I keep the front all natural. My 70's bush is well in tact. Anyway, once my backside is bare, I'll be ready for some serious plowing.

The fields won't plow themselves. Besides, with my newly waxed ass, there's no chaffing. I get to get all sweaty and show off some muscle. They like that kind of stuff. After a good shower, smelling all good and stuff, she'll finally let me tap it.

The keg that is. I'm an alcoholic. I can't stop drinking. Besides, that's how I got her in the first place. I need a few beers before we hook-up.

And by that, I mean connect our PSPs. I'm a big gamer and the girls I go after usually are too. I'm huge on sports games. Namely football. Once she gives me the chance, I make a play for the middle and run all up in it.

In Madden that is. Larry Johnson for 120 yards. I'm a pro. But I have to take it easy on her or I'll never be able to fuck her.

When I say 'fuck her', I mean stick my penis in her vagina and have intercourse. Yeah, I know.

And that's how its done.

Sluttin' It Up - Phrase Of The Week

2007-06-03T00:47:00.000-07:00

...or month, year, whatever. I'm not very consistent these days.

Sluttin' It Up
(slut-en...oh, just sound it out) v.

1. Engaging in slutty activities.
2. Having large amounts of sexual fun with numerous strangers

Example: "I heard you've been sluttin' it up while I've been gone.

For some reason, its been my go-to line for anyone having a bit too much fun. I don't really know if I made it up or not. Everyone deserves to slut it up from time to time.

Why girls travel in groups to the restroom.

2007-05-31T01:52:00.000-07:00

Regardless of what any woman may say, they do not do the same things that us guys do in the restroom. Nor do they gather and talk about the men they're with or the ones they want to leave their men to be with. They don't go in groups for security reasons or to have someone there to pass them some tissue if their stall is out. And unless they're rich, they don't go in to snort coke off of a dirty toilet seat. I actually have my own theory. I've done my research. I've gone undercover and undetected to come to this not-so surprising realization.

Witchcraft.

Yup, I said it. Witchcraft.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "That can't be possible. There's no such thing as witchcraft." If you would have told me that a year ago I would have completely agreed with you, so I respect and understand your skepticism. All I'm asking is for you to keep an open mind and listen to what I have to say.

I was on my way to the men's restroom one drunken night when an attractive woman stepped in front of me on her way to the little girl's room. She had these white pants on with no underwear underneath which of course received my full attention. I was staring so hard that I mistakenly followed her directly in. That's when I saw the most disturbing thing that I've ever seen.

There were about 7 or 8 women standing in front of the mirror. They all were chanting something in a language that I couldn't recognize (Which, honestly, could have been Russian for all I know. I'm not very worldly). Their eyes were black and the room was really windy. I thought that was odd considering there are no windows in a bar restroom. I let out a "What the fuck!?" before one of those girls let out this Grudge-like, cat screech/meow and I was shoved into/through the restroom door.

I blamed the alcohol. I even blamed the complimentary nachos that were being served that night. I refused to believe the oddness that I thought I saw as I entered the men's room to finish what I almost immediately started in the women's room. I was greeted with more shots on my return to my table and I enjoyed the rest of my night. Everything was fine.

The next night I went out with some friends to a different bar for a change of scenery. If I remember correctly, there were three girls to our four guys (we're all friends so the unjust ratio hadn't bothered me). One of the ladies looked at her phone to check the time and claimed that she had to make a trip to the restroom.

Nothing odd.

She told the other two ladies that they should join her.

Nothing odd.

The other two explained that they didn't have to go yet and they wanted to here the rest of the song that was playing. Then the first girl gave them a look. At that very moment they all hurried to the restroom like they were giving away free money at each stall. Coincidentally, I had to go too. I waited for them to advance a few steps first to ensure them I wasn't being weird or anything. As I made my turn to the men's restroom, I heard uncontrollable laughter and saw bright flashes of light appear from under the women's room door.

That was very odd.

I did what I do and I returned to the table. They returned a whole 15 minutes later and we resumed our night. Each of the guys (including me) must have spent 50 or 60 dollars that night on our bar tabs. We bought all kinds of nasty, fruity girl drinks (which don't taste great coming back up) and oddball shots. This was a common occurrence, as it is with most groups of friends when there are women in the mix. I used to think it was because we as men are stupid and would do anything for a pretty face. I've come to another conclusion.

I began to pay attention to when girls I drank with took group bathroom breaks and our alcohol consumption afterward, more specifically my tab. After they would retreat to the powder room for the first time of the night, the guys in the group would always buy rounds of fruity shots for everyone and we would progressively get drunk. We'd also end up dancing, playing 80's rock ballads, and allowing the women to win the games we played. At the end we'd go our seperate ways leaving us guys drunk, pantiless, and penniless. This always happened at around the same time every time we went out, no matter who was in the group of girls that tagged along. And only when there were a group of girls with us. We never drank fruity shots, danced, or played horrible songs when it was just a guys night out (unless we were trying to get laid), but even then, whenever we'd meet up with a random group of girls, the same thing would eventually happen. Except occasionally we'd get some then.

Based on my unsettling women's room experiences and my observations of myself and the circles I travel in, I've come up with this theory.

Women go to the restroom in groups to practice witchcraft enabling the men they're with to buy/pay for everything and do whatever they feel is fun and still keep control of putting out or not. That is the only way I can explain it. Why else would men do any of that without having any control of getting laid at the end of the night? It would just be stupid. That's why it has to be witchcraft. No other explanation. Watch, the next time you're out, try to resist taking out your wallet for anything that's not for you or to your liking. You'll be successful at first. That is until the women travel to the restroom as a group for the first time to do their chanting/witchery/what have you. I'm completely convinced this is why I'm puking Porn Stars and Buttery Nipples at Denny's on Sunday morning with an empty bank account.

"Male Enhancement"

2007-05-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

<---The reaction every guy wants.

Did you know if you do a Google search on "Male Enhancement", one of the sponsored results states "Get Rock Hard On Demand". Sounds like a gay cable channel.

Seeing commercials about male enhancement make me chuckle. I refuse to believe that anything like this is real or could even be possible. Not to sound cliche, but if they were real, we'd all use it and it would a Nobel Prize winning discovery. It's stock alone would make your portfolio utterly meaningless. Mostly because it would be either a) available over the counter at your local Rite-Aid or Albertsons or b) available for prescription to all ages. Both are downfalls to Viagra, which you need to qualify for to receive (unless you have a kick-ass doctor).

Along with Viagra, an actual male enhancement pill is at the top of every guy's Christmas list. In a guys dating career (if you could call it that) we are trained to believe that size in fact does matter. A large majority of men (especially the ones who watch alot of porn) are insecure about their 'size'. Even though porn stars are not proper comparison tools, they feel inadequate and therefore don't want to reveal themsleves to just anyone. Unless you walk with a dick-induced limp, you're always gonna wonder "How do I compare?" or "How does she feel about my size?". I don't care who you are or how big you may be, every guy would love another two inches (just like Viagra would be the cure for whiskey-dick. note to self....). If you have a six, you would like an eight. If you're a ten, why not have a twelve? Slaying a few poor ladies is a risk we're willing to take to be unforgettable. And unforgettable we would be. Just stop banging the short ones.

You've seen the Enzyte commercials, right?

Bob looks to be the hit of the neighborhood with his either unusually large dick, or an everlasting hard-on. If that doesn't entice you to purchase, I don't know what will.

I found this next video on a YouTube search for the above video. Fucking hilarious.

Next time you get drunk, crank call a male enhancement company. Anyway, I'm losing focus.

If you're an insomniac like I am, you can almost recite those Extenze commercials. Ok, that may be an exaggeration, but at 3am, its what's on. This pill flat out says it will make you huge. I'm still not buying it. Both literally and figuratively.

Thinking a pill can make your dick bigger is like thinking going to church will make you a good person. Some things just can't be improved that easily. Thinking a cream or ointment (I hate that word) will make you bigger is just your excuse for buying overpriced lube. Men don't have their own Kegel exercises (which all women should do by the way) to make things better down there. We all wish these things were real, but we all know the only things we can do to improve our baby starter is either shave or get surgery. Who would want to get the surgery anyway? Sure, you're swinging around ten or so, but how do the women feel when they find out you went under the knife? Actually, they'll probably still fuck you, but they won't respect you for it.

If any of these "enhancements" were real, I'd definitely see one huge (hehe) problem to deal with. Just like there's women out there who go a little overboard with the boob jobs, there would be guys out there who would try to break records (supposedly 14in) just for the hell of it. Popping pills like they were Pez or rubbing on creme like, well, it was gonna make their dick bigger. Their girlfriends/hook-ups just might as well say good-bye to their cervii (plural version of cervix? did I just make that up?).

Penis Transfer

2007-05-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

So, almost a year ago I set forth my own commandments for proper etiquette at the urinal. The most important of all ten commandments was number ten:

Thou shalt ALWAYS....alwaysalwaysalwaysalways....wash your hands before leaving the restroom. With soap. "I know where my dick has been" is never an acceptable excuse. If this has to be explained to you in any more detail, you obviously ate too much paste in pre-school.

The reason why this rule is so important is a little thing I'd like to call 'penis transfer'.

Penis transfer (or 'fish fingers' for women) is an uncontrollable problem these days at local bars, restaurants, and sports venues. How many times have you been washing your hands and seen men or women stagger into the restroom, do what they do, fix their hair in the mirror, and leave without touching the water or handsoap? How many times has someone actually started a conversation with you while standing directly in front of the sink, watching you wash your hands, and then leave without washing the penis/vag 'stuff' of their fingers (or hands for some of us)? It's disgusting. Let me show you how penis transfer affects you.

Tim (random name) has been working all day. After putting in a solid nine hours doing whatever he does, he decides to meet some co-workers at the local bar. The combination of the small establishment and crowded atmosphere creates an unsatisfiable thirst that ultimately makes Tim drink beer after beer until he has to make his first trip to the pisser. He walks to the little boy's room with his sweaty balls and sticky beer hands and does/handles his business like we all do. But unlike me (and maybe some of you) he walks from the urinal straight to the door and then back to his chair/stool. His hands are now carrying 'penis transfer'. The sweat, possible splashage, STD, and/or odor (I don't care who you are, you're still not smelling Zestfully clean after a couple hours after your shower) are now on his hands and touching his glass. There are many things Tim's hands may touch tonight. A pool stick perhaps. A pool stick that you may use later, or one you two are sharing. Maybe you all got a huge plate of nachos and Tim likes the chips without alot of cheese, making him dig for the perfect chip. Maybe he's buying shots for everyone and now he's carrying your shot glasses to the table. You put your mouth on those glasses and now there's penis transfer in your mouth. Especially if you're the slutty secretary and you're doing blowjob shots, where you put the majority of the glass in ya mouf. Although, I'm sure the slutty secretary won't mind because Tim's dick will be in her mouth at some point throughout the night. But I digress...

Same goes for women too. Not that I visit those "Hidden Bathroom Camera" websites, but I do know that women usually wipe after anything they do or occasionally change a tampon/pad. So their hands have been all around their vag and they get up and leave like all they were doing in the restroom was fixing their makeup or blowing some guy. Now they have fish fingers. Their hands could have anything on them now. Vag juice, period blood, sweat, funk, that smell that no one can explain but comes after 45 minutes out of the shower, anything could be on those well manicured fingers of hers. Now she's drinking some fruity martini. Wait, now she's asking you to try it. Oh, now she grabs your hand and wants to dance. Now you have fish finger (vag transfer) all over you. Granted, at some point throughout the night you wanted her vag transfer on you, your passenger seat, and your bed, but maybe you didn't.

Fish Finger and Penis Transfer is no laughing matter. It is directly responsible for numerous fatal deaths....of appetites. Disgusting. Please wash your hands after handling your junk. You might as well rub your dick/clit all over my food. At least then I can stab it with my fork.

**Side Note** The word 'Vag' isn't recognized by Spellcheck. Funny.

Things I thought I'd never do

2007-05-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

See a movie alone

I always thought it was weird when I saw someone walk into a theatre by them self to catch a movie. I wondered who he would slap on the arm when something was funny or how would he find out what he missed when he went to the restroom. It never really set well with me. That is until I got off work early one day to see a new release. It was opening that day and I needed to see it for this other job I have. Problem was I had tickets to a basketball game that night, so I needed to catch the early show. I pretty much went down the list of people in my phonebook and they ALL had to work, which is good I guess. If you are able to see a movie at 2pm on a Friday, you need a job anyway. Turns out, seeing a movie alone is no different than seeing it at home. Luckily. it was fairly empty. I felt weird as it was, but I would have felt worse if it was packed. Odd. Never thought I'd ever do that.

Solo at the bar

I could see if I was only in town for the night on business and it was the hotel bar. I could also see if I knew everyone at the bar. Drinking all by my lonely was something I thought I'd never do. Actually, it doesn't suck after all. I had a decent meal, watched a football game, had some drinks, talked to the bartender, it was good fun. Then I got bored and called some friends. I could only take so much.

See a hockey game

Not just one, but many. I like it. Never thought I would. It used to be very anti-me. I think it's the fighting. Or the $20 tickets. I can enjoy pretty much any live sport that doesn't involve men in speedos or women with muscles.

Eat Sushi

I love seafood. LOVE IT, HARD! (wink, wink Sally) Cooked seafood that is. That truly raw shit is not that great. Eating sushi is like giving a woman oral sex. Well, actually it's not. I just wanted to write that for future quoting purposes.

Drink a beer in front of my mother

Hey, it was the Super Bowl, and my team was losing. I was eating hot wings and nachos. It felt natural to grab one, so I did. I've never done that before. It's the whole family values thing and the role model thing. I still won't tell any of them how to find my website. Talk about a skewed perception.

Watch 12 straight hours of Grey's Anatomy (or any girl show for that matter)

Don't knock it. Just don't do it alone. Far too much estrogen.

Go to a rock concert

Not really a concert as much as it was a show at a bar. A few shows at a bar. Rock shows at big venues are not for me. Rock really isn't for me either. Point of the story is: Never thought I'd do that.

The Fall Of An Empire

2007-04-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

Wars don't overcome countries, they do it to themselves. The French 'Empire' fell at the end of the 18th century because of Marie Antoinette's fashion expenses (amongst other things). Money and the lack of common sense was the reason for the Roman Empire to wither away. The Ming Dynasty went to shit from the corruption of easily influenced leaders and emperors. The English went down because...well, us I guess. How will America fall? Look towards your local burger joint for that answer. Every major superpower in history has crashed and burned at some point. It's only a matter of time before America throws it all away. I think it's sooner than we think. I'm saying it right now, America will eat itself unto submission.

Taco Bell
4th Meal (varies)

Holy fuck. Are we so unhealthy and lazy here that we have created a FOURTH meal? Holy fuck! First we had breakfast and dinner. Then people couldn't wait until dinner, so they instituted a third meal (lunch) to tide everyone over. But wait, we can't make it to lunch. We are soooo fucking hungry that we created brunch as a secret, uncounted meal so we could stuff our faces with something between breakfast and lunch, sometime after the post-breakfast doughnut, but before that third coffee. Now Taco Bell wants us to believe that not only do tiny Mexican dogs love chalupas, but we need a fourth meal a few hours after dinner so we don't go to bed hungry. There has to be something wrong with that. Maybe if we got more sleep, we wouldn't be so damn hungry.

Carl's Jr.

Almost anything there (varies)

Most of their burgers are huge. Sure, they taste great (at least I remember they do), but wow. Do you really want to eat anything Paris Hilton endorses? You know she has the herps, right?

Burger King
Omelet burger (730 calories)

I wouldn't eat this if it was served with a side of Jessica Alba and a frosty shake. This was made for truckers and pregnant women.

McDonald's
Angus Third Pounder (720 calories)

Why not just make it a half-pounder? Or a full-pounder? I bet the older crowd lost their mind when the quarter-pounder first came out. I wonder how they feel now? At least it's 100% beef now. That would suck if it was a third-pound of filler. Cardboard, soy beans, horse, and what have you. Either way, alotta of cow in ya bellay.

Hardee's
Monster Thick Burger (1,420 calories)

I like grease as much as the next guy. It comes in handy when you need some help shoving the food down your throat and you've run out of raspberry iced tea because you drank it all while waiting for your girlfriend to get out of the restroom and now you can't get any free refills. Damn, now I want some raspberry iced tea.

Krispy Kreme
Doughnut-flavored drink (117g of carbs)

Wait, is grease not enough help for you to choke it down? How about skipping chewing and swallowing altogether and just pour your death right down your throat? See that heart attack over there? He's waving at you. He wants to say hi. Then he wants to have vigorous anal sex with you until you keel over and die.

Ben & Jerry's/Häagen Daz
Extravagantly Flavored Ice Cream (~1000 fucking calories/carton)

You're probably thinking, "Hey, I never eat the whole thing in one sitting." or "Me and my girlfriends/boyfriend always split it." Well, to start with, your boyfriend's a pussy. He's grown. He should have his own. Secondly, you know and I know you finish every carton, every time. Pig. It's ok. I do it too. However, I'm thin. So that's that.

2007-04-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've seen this a hundred times already...

Now watch it again and notice how that little boy's friend just totally ditched him in his time of need. BFF huh?

Why Girls Want Boyfriends

2007-04-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

I think I have come up with the two lone reasons why women feel that they need boyfriends.

The first reason is so they can limit the number of people on Earth that know how dirty and kinky they are. That really goes without saying. They rather have a select few knowing what freaky shit they are into instead of a hundred. Some would say, "Then they don't have to be kinky with them all." If they enjoy it, they're gonna keep doing it. They just rather not have the entire world knowing.

Second is probably the main reason. The longer a women stays single, the more things they're willing to do to land a guy. Here's the time line that I came up with that has no actual basis or factual research.

If she's single for...

...3 months, she's putting out on the third date.
...6 months, she's always giving blowjobs on the first date.
...a year, she's always putting out on the first date.
...18 months, she's occasionally doing anal on the first date.
...2 years, she's frequently banging guys in the bar's bathroom.
...30 months, she's doing threesomes with her date and his best friend while another videotapes.
...3 years, she's doing mostly women.
...5 years, she's getting a butch cut and adopting a Chinese baby.

Believe in it. Its science.

There's always an exception, of course. She may be a virgin, or already a big whore, or a tranny. Those will skew my numbers a bit.

15 Acceptable Times For A Woman To Lose Her Virginity

2007-04-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

If the V-Card was a real thing, I'd imagine it would look like this. This is copyrighted by the way. Don't steal my idea.

If it were up to me, losing your virginity would be a requirement for graduating high school. It would be a quarter-long class with the final project consisting of showing proof of losing said virginity and having an open forum discussion about it with your partner in front of your class. Unfortunately, it's not up to me. It rarely is. I lost mine before I graduated. Not much before, but still before. It prepared me for sex in my adult life, kinda. Its why you do it. Sure, everyone wants to give it up to the one they truly love as their 'special gift' or whatever, but it's really not that special. I guess it used to be in the 1800's or something. I dunno. The first time is basically the same for everyone. Guys all think, "Best. Idea. Ever." and girls all think, "That's what I held out for?"

For a guy, cashing in your V-card becomes more and more uncomfortable and awkward after high school. Alot of women are too full of themselves to give you a chance and they're mostly unwilling to help you out. Yes, we have no idea what we're doing. Yes, it's not going to be great. But think, you could be molding us into your own personal pleasure tool.

For a woman, waiting to pop your cherry just postpones the inevitable. You're going to get split in two by someone who you probably won't even still know six months from now whether you're 16 or 26. You might as well lose it to someone who doesn't care or doesn't know what he's doing to make it easier and less painful for you.

So to help out those in need, here are two lists of acceptable times to lose your virginity. Ladies first.

Women

To your date after your Homecoming dance. (couldn't wait til prom, could you?)
To that Gothic chick in your history class on a half-day ("I was only experimenting!)
To your date after your Prom (how cliche)
While your parents are at work during Senior Skip Day (opportunity knocks)
To a guy at your family reunion who said he was a friend of the family but in the end was your second cousin Larry who just got out of juvie (wait, what?)
In a closet at your Grad-night party (it's usually boring anyway)
To your best-friend's Dad during a rough patch in his marriage (a la American Beauty)
During your first frat party (you'll be, oh, so popular)
To a fraternity boy while your sorority sisters cheer you on (it happens)
In your 'boyfriend's' dorm room while his buddy is asleep in the next bed (he's not really sleep)
To some random guy from U of Whatever at Spring Break in Cancun (what happens in...)
On a Girls Gone Wild video ("It's my first time!")
To a Hollywood producer during an audition (gotta give head to get ahead)
To your favorite singer/rapper backstage while others watch (groupie love)
...and I guess to your husband on your wedding night. (*groooaaaannnnn*)

I shouldn't even have to include this, but guys, if you're wondering....

Men

Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
This weekend
DO IT AND DO IT NOW!!!!

The Bar-Baby.

2007-04-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

I drink alcohol. Sometimes too much. In my experience drinking, I have never found a more beautiful sound than the phrase, "dollar beers". Actually "I wanna suck your dick" is probably the best, but "dollar beers" is a really close second. Ok, I'm digressing.

Whenever a bar I inhabit has a dollar beer night, I tend to get really drunk. Like, REALLY drunk. I drink a bunch and usually cool things happen that I either make up or forget or can never live down. The other night happened to be dollar beer night and I was well on my way until I saw something that made me question my drinking habit. I was talking to my friend when I saw a little kid run right in front of us. He ran to some video game and popped his quarters in like it was Chuckie Cheese. I brushed it off thinking maybe it was a midget or maybe I was just that drunk. I continued talking to my friend for a little while longer. Then as I sipped my sixth or seventh alcoholic beverage, I happened to look to my right and I saw a baby....in a bar. A baby in a bar. A bar-baby if you will. Holy shit.

So here's what happened:

This baby had two 'parents'. These 'parents' would take turns holding the baby just on the edge of the 'safe' area while the other took their turn at darts. The dart board was....maybe 25 feet away. I'd say 12 feet to my left as the 'family' was 13 feet to my right (I have this uncanny talent of measuring things with my eyes, ten inches at a time). They had dollar beers just as I did. Maybe not as much as I did, but they were drinking it none the less. That made me laugh.

Just as I thought the novelty was wearing off, I went to the restroom. It's what I do when I drink. I take the necessary urinal and begin to do what I do. Out of the corner of my eye I see the male 'parent' walking in, drunk and loud and....with the bar-baby. The bar-baby is in his left arm while what I can only assume is his dick in his right fingers, probably pissing on two of them. I usually mind my own business when I'm passing beer, but how do you not look at the bar-baby. It's a baby...at a bar....in a bar restroom....and not getting changed.

Bar-baby left with it's 'parents' at around 10:30 or 11:00. Hopefully made it home safe. Probably got drunk from mommy's liquored up breast milk.

The Six Month Rule.

2007-04-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

We've all had our droughts. Sometimes we just don't feel like going out. Sometimes we get in a slump. Sometimes we get too busy at work and have no free time. Hey, even Wilt Chamberlain had his dry spell....when he was twelve. What I'm trying to say is, even the best of us go a while without sex. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It just happens.

After a week or so, you still feel ok. After a few weeks, you start to miss it. After a couple of months, you are forever horny. After six months, you will explode. Yes, explode. It's science. Men have a rule that we go by in cases like these to make sure our reputation and dignity stay intact when we go through desperate measures to make sure we don't explode or have our virginity grow back. It does grow back. It's funny looking too. The rule is:

After six months, no man can be held responsible for who he sleeps with.

A more blunt version: After 180 fucking days, you can bang whoever you want without risk of shame or humiliation.

A man can hook up with his ex-girlfriend's ugly cousin, the somewhat attractive 50 year-old secretary, or even your best friend's arch nemesis and have no ill repercussions come from it. Well, other than the clap. There will be no name calling, no laughing, no pointing, and no shameful head shakes. It's a law. However, there are some limitations. If you hook up with a bad one, you are excused, but not for the re-up. You go back the next day or week or whatever and you will be subjected to the ridicule that you deserve. So you get one pass every six months. Remember that. Oh, and you have to be single. Being in a sexless marriage/relationship doesn't count.

I don't think women have this rule. Probably because they have vibrators.

(Inspired by some random Scrubs rerun)

The Vegas car chase

2007-03-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

If you know me, or any of my friends, you’ve probably heard this story plenty of times. All it takes is a reference to Las Vegas and this story always comes up. Which it should. It’s quite the crowd pleaser. How often can you go on vacation and have a near-death experience be the actual highlight to the trip. Ok, maybe ‘near-death’ is an exaggeration. It’s was more of a situation that could have been a lot worse than what it really was.

So me and a bunch of friends from work went on a vacation to Las Vegas for a weekend. We try to do this, or something like it, every year at the end of our horse racing season (October-ish) to blow off some steam and be around women who like to have actual fun, as opposed to here in Washington, home of the walking tampons.

On our second or third day, there was a lot of frustration from waiting on others in the party. We were wasting expensive time, and the complaining about the smell in the strip club was getting annoying. It was not a good idea to bring girls with us. You know, the whole 'sand to a beach' thing. So naturally there was a little animosity building up. We took a bus to the Rum Jungle (which is in...the MGM maybe?) and the party of 11 or so split up in the casino to cool off. When we met back up at the club, everyone had a different idea on what the rest of the night should entail. Two girls ditched us, the lone couple was arguing, and another two disappeared (the smart ones). Two friends that actually live in Vegas suggested this was all stupid and that we should leave. Those two, me, and two other friends of mine head towards the parking garage to find their car.

In the elevator, there was this insanely hot, high maintenance looking, short little Asian chick (just my type) riding with us. I gave her my ‘A’ game (because I was drunk, it may have been my ‘C’ game) and she politely brushed me off but kept up the conversation. Good for her. She ended up at the same stop as us and climbing in a black-on-black Range Rover. Needless to say, I never had a chance.

We headed to this local bar that apparently is the popular spot for locals. Yeah, it sucked. It was empty, had greasy pizza, a fight broke out in the parking lot, and there was a lot of puking ("It looks like a pile of shredded cardboard!"). I'm like, “Fuck this. Let’s go back to the hotel.” And that we did. Then the fun started.

As we pull out of the parking lot, some car cuts us off with two guys in it. This shit happens all the time so I think nothing of it. My local friend, however, was drunkenly offended and decided to yell out the driver’s window from the passenger side, “Fuck you!! Yeah I’m talking to you!! (pointing) Fuck. YOU!”

They stop.
Then we stop.
We punch it for a few yards.
As do they.

Silence.

Then someone yells, “Gun!”

Supposedly a gun was drawn and pointed in our direction, I never saw it, but as I would follow a group of people running out of a theatre without knowing why, I duck when everyone else in the car ducks.

Even the driver ducked...with the petal to the floor...head resting on the emergency brake handle...going 87 in a 35 or 40. I saw more through the windshield than he did, and I was in the back seat. We were followed at first, but after running a couple red lights and taking ill-advised left-hand turns, we lost them. Unfortunately, we almost lost more.

Trying to take a right-hand turn, then making a last second decision to go left, we hit the little island that the streetlight is mounted on. Completely fucking up the front-end alignment and the rims and almost splitting the car in two through the passenger's side if we were 3 inches more to the left. "Dude, I could have died."

No one was hurt. Well, maybe the car owner’s feelings are hurt, but no one else. The car hobbles down the street while constantly trying to veer left like a broken shopping cart before we pull into a parking lot to do a damage assessment (and thinking about running away). We all jump out of the car, except for the drunkest of us who decides if he lays down, no one will see him. After some calming down, we pile back in and have a quiet ride back to the hotel. Real quiet. I'm talking you could here a pin drop, then hear someone a hundred feet away yelling, "Stop dropping fucking pins!" I’m not one to pass up an opportunity for a laugh, so I attempt to end things with a smile...

"Out of everything that’s happened tonight, I only have one thing to say."
"What's that?"
"Your breathe still smells like puke."

And we proceeded to laugh off the night.

What not to say at a pregnancy announcement.

2007-03-25T01:35:00.000-07:00

To some people, becoming pregnant can be the most glorious moment of their lives. Bigger than any wedding or birthday or job promotion or funeral, pregnancy is what alot of people live for. Then there's the other people who think pregnancy is a curse or the end of their lives or something that just means overall badness. In the days of teenage pregnancy and career driven couples, you can no longer assume a new baby is a congratulatory event. It's a more delicate situation than it used to be. Here's a few things you shouldn't say when someone announces their pregnancy:

"Soooo, who's the daddy?"
-No one wants to be called a whore, even though they may be one. This question pretty much calls them a whore, but in a nice way.

"Do you need a ride to/from the clinic?" or "Are you keeping it?" or "I know a guy."
-Assuming they aren't keeping it is a little impolite...and funny.

"So what?"
-People automatically think you care to know these things. Not caring may ruin their whole day. Even though you really don't care.

"I'm so sorry."
-This is another day ruiner. Mostly said by those who feel a baby is an unwanted burden instead of a blessing. But honestly, this has to be the funniest response to go with.

"Let's get a drink and celebrate."
-Even though some would never say it, it's probably the best out of the bunch. Saying this let's you know how they feel about the event. If they laugh at what sounds like a joke, they are keeping it. If the laugh and say "Are you free tonight?", then obviously they aren't going to have it.

"That sucks.", then turning around and walking off.
-Tells them you don't care, have never cared, and will never care. That's probably the message you want to convey anyway.

"Cool! No more condoms."
-Actually, this is acceptable.

"Congratulations!"
-If they view this event as a life/career ender, this will make them cry. I've seen it happen. It's kind of funny really.

Why are you still paying for ringtones?

2007-03-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm getting tired of seeing all these stupid commercials advertising the new 'hot' songs out there and how you should pay $2-$4 each for these edited, chopped up ringtones. Seriously, I haven't paid for a ringtone in almost 4 years, yet I've always had a phone full of them. I'm not talking about the "T-Mobile Jingle" either.

Here is a short guide to ensure you never have to pay for another ringtone for your Motorola phone. To my knowledge, every Motorola phone should be able to do this. I know for a fact every V300-V600 and RAZR (and all of it's brothers and sisters) will do this. If you have any other phone, well, that's unfortunate.

Things you need:

1 Motorola phone
1 Corresponding Data Cable for
said phone
1 Motorola Phone Tools software
1 Computer
1 Sound Editor
A bunch of songs

Go on eBay and find the right cable for you. You can usually get one for $15 after shipping, but no more than $20. If you don't like eBay, you can pay $35-$75 on the Motorola website, where you can get a bundle deal with the software you need (Motorola Phone Tools). This is a great deal for the internet amateur, leaving you with little searching and downloading to do. If you are a little more internet savvy, you will no doubtingly find a website where you can 'sample' your software for free, forever.

I assume you have a computer since you are reading this and I assume you have the songs you want or you wouldn't be still reading this. Now you will have to use a sound editor of some sort to cut and trim the perfect part of your favorite songs with the most vulgar and offensive lyrics that MTV, BET, and all of those other teenager-friendly services won't offer you. Imagine eating dinner with your family and your boyfriend calls, triggering his ringtone which happens to be Akon's "I Wanna Fuck You". Imagine being at an important meeting and your phone rings with the ringtone of Winger's "She's Only Seventeen". These are all good reasons to keep your phone on vibrate, but it'd be funny if it weren't. Anyway, with a sound editor, you are able to capture just the 5-30 seconds you want on your phone. The editor I use is part of Roxio's DVD and CD burning software. I actually paid for this once upon a time for burning purposes, the editor was just a bonus. I'm sure you can find this for 'sample' somewhere or even a better program, but it's what I use.

The rest is common sense, but if I must, follow along:

Turn on computer
Install all software
Alter/customise desired songs/sounds
Plug in data cable
Plug cable into phone
Open Phone Tools
Upload sounds onto phone
Make friends jealous

There are many different advantages to doing this. First is putting these horrible money sucking ringtone services out of business along with cleaning my TV of their annoying commercials. Second, the curse words. Third, the obscure/old songs that you could never buy as a ringtone since they only care about what's 'hot' or 'slamming'. Fourth, you're not limited to just songs. You can use sound effects, quotes, your own voice, or someone else's voice. Could you imagine you're lady calling and you hearing her voice on your phone saying something dirty enough to make construction workers complain?

Here's an example of my ringtones (I didn't feel like uploading them all, so no actual examples):

8 music tones (3 of which are explicit, 2 are kinda old, 1 is from the 70's)
2 movie audio clips (one from an 'adult' movie, one from Coming To America
1 Daffy Duck cartoon (for the younger brother)
about fifteen other tones on my computer that I cycle through from time to time

I'm sure Nokia, Samsung, and others have their own cables and software, but I've been using Motorola for 6 years now, soooo that's that.

Superhero related sex moves

2007-03-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

He may be faster than a speeding bullet, but Superman still fucked you. Batman has a belt full of 'tools' and his own teenage gimp (boy wonder). Spiderman shoots web everywhere, just not in your eyes or hair. Almost every superhero has their go-to movie in bed, here's what they are...

The Superman

As she is lying on her back and you are fucking her from your knees, balance yourself on her knees and thrust your arms forward as if you were flying.

The Batman

Tie a woman up. You and your boy (wonder) have your way with her. Then right after you finish, vanish into the night and leave her tied up so she can be found by the proper authorities. Then have your way with your boy.

The Spiderman

Right before you finish from a girl blowing you, pull out and cum in your hand, then fling it at her while yelling "I'm Spiderman!".

The Green Lantern

This is when you have sex with a married woman, then afterward you take her wedding ring, leaving her powerless.

The Fantastic Four

This is when you first get a (1)handjob, (2)blowjob, then (3)vaginal sex, then (4)anal sex, resulting in a facial given to a Jessica Alba movie poster.

The Human Torch

Having unprotected sex with a girl, knowing you have gonorrhea. Flame on!

The Incredible Hulk

Start out the day before, eating tons of fish and celery to stock pile your load. The day of, pound a non-lethal amount of green food coloring for the green effect. When you finally cum, unleash a pint of your green future high-school dropouts all over the girl while yelling, "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!"

The Punisher

A vigorous anal pounding.

The Thor

Pretty much the same as a Donkey Punch. Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then hitting her with a hammer (or any blunt object) in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

The Wolverine

Just as she cums, leave deep scratches her back. Finish, then lean back and laugh while smoking a cigar.

The Cyclops

This is when you cum in a girl's eye, leaving her with just one to see out of.

The Jean Grey

This is when a woman has sex with you, tells you she loves you, then she kills you. Also known as the Praying Mantis.

The Beast

First off, you have to dye your pubes blue. Say you're trying something kinky. After you have sex and your partner is asleep, masturbate on her face, then shave your pubes and sprinkle them all over. When she wakes up, she'll look like Beast from X-Men.

Randomness pt 3

2007-03-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

Why are they called restrooms if everyone always in a hurry to get out?

Are there any deaths related to the bullets shot at a 21 gun salute. That would be ironic.

It's funny how if you huff a lot of white-out, you blackout.

Prostitution is illegal (in most places). Porn is not. I'm thinking you get get as many hookers as you want, as long as you film it all. And I guess you may need a permit or something.

If it's after midnight and you are walking down the street in hot pants or a miniskirt, don't be offended when a car pulls over and sticks money out of the window. Do be offended when it's your dad.

Is it wrong to still laugh every time I see a sign that says "Condominium"?

For some reason, naked poker isn't as exciting as strip poker. But it's still exciting none the less.

Back in the 'olden times', instead of saying someone is hot or pretty, they would say he/she is 'agreeable'. I'm bringing it back.

You ever wonder why the ass is so pleasing to look at? I do. Doesn't make it any less agreeable to look at though.

You are not truly camping if you can see your car from your tent...under a streetlight.

Irony > Sarcasm

I wish I had an iced-out grill, but with real ice. Therefore my water would always be cold. Then I would have to take them out to drink wine. Because that's just gross.

Beer is the alcohol of choice for the indecisive. That can't decide if they want to get drunk or not. They can't decide if they're thirsty or not. They can't decide if they want to spend a lot or not.

They say horse racing is the sport of kings. I say bowling. You use equipment that someone else provides. Someone else does the scoring for you. You sit around waiting to walk 7-10 feet to throw a ball once, maybe twice. You are God if you win. Bowling is the sport of kings.

Ever wonder why a site like MySpace can have over a hundred million members, corporate sponsership, rampid ads everwhere, yet the server still runs on 3 hamster wheels and a windmill?

Underwear: The Great Debate, Men's Edition

2007-03-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

I figured after breaking down panties, I would give men's underwear the old college try.

Boxers
Who doesn't like to hang freely? Sure, readjusting every so often gets old after the fourth time, but I feel its worth it. That, and its the only underwear that doesn't look stupid with designs and patterns. You can have cartoons or a funny sexual saying on them like "Prize Inside" or "Check your blood alcohol. Blow here".

Who they're for: Teenagers, men who walk around in their underwear, and your run-of-the-mill gang bangers.

Boxer Briefs
Do you want comfort without the wedgie? Boxer briefs are for you. They hold your fun parts in place (if you're into that) and limit awkward 'demonstrations' of your potential. Plus, if you're the type to wear you pants a little below the waist line, you can pull up your pants without the danger of pulling up your underwear and causing personal injury. Selling point: Chicks dig it. Just keep the colors simple and solid.

Who they're for: Suit wearing professionals, playground athletes, and anyone who bases their wardrobe on the opinions of women.

Briefs
When I wore these in junior high, I sometimes felt my thighs wear gonna fall off from lack of blood circulation and my dick was dangerously close to breaking through the cloth. Prolonged wear usually ending up in some riding up in certain crevasses. That was unpleasant. The only positive I see is for those in the awkward stages of puberty. When a spontaneous 'event' occurs, everything stays relatively controlled. Plus, they're called tighty-whiteys. Why anyone would wear anything with that name is beyond me. That's like wearing shoes that are called 'shit-kickers'. Wait...

Who they're for: Old men, little boys, the unimaginative, the self-torturing, and fat kids.

Bikini Briefs
Think tighty-whiteys, but more flamboyant and borderline gay.

Who they're for: Guidos, weight-lifters, gay mobsters, and those with controlling (but kinky) wives.

Man-Thongs
The banana hammock. The perma-wedgie. Why a man would wear anything with his ass-cheeks hanging out puzzles me, but to each his own. I really never understood how the balls fared in these things. I hope to never know. Overall gayness.

Who they're for: Strippers, Prince, The Revolution, Prince cover singers, pro wrestlers, men of the pink persuasion.

Commando
Nothing at all. Few dare to go such a route. We pay alot for these designer jeans and we don't want to funk them up. There's a couple rules to this though. First you have to be bare. Getting a pube caught in the zipper is NOT an option. Second, you have to be showered first. That's a given. Third, I think it only works for tight jeans, sweatpants, and pajama pants. Personally, I can't do it because of the zipperphobia I suffer from. Blame There's Something About Mary.

Who they're for: Those who feel thongs aren't revealing enough, the lazy, or those who can't find their underwear after a booty call.

Silk Boxers
How can something that feels so good simultaneously feels so bad. No, I'm not talking about a blowjob from a girl with bucked teeth. I'm talking about those $15-20 silky underwear that seem like a good idea, but actually aren't for daily wear. Some advise: Avoid playing sports in them.

Who they're for: Romantics, serial masturbaters, and (once again) men with controlling wives.

Lady Draws
Panites to be specific. People lie to themselves and say its a comfort thing. but it's not. There is something disturbing about a man who buys women's underwear, claiming its a gift, then prancing around their home singing Madonna songs. Sometimes a girlfriend/new wife will find it arousing for her man to wear her underwear around throughout a day. Just say no. Ew.

Who they're for: WOMEN.

Sequels That NEED To Happen Pt. 1

2007-03-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

I'm a slight movie buff. Every so often a movie comes along that I feel lacks an ending that gives the audience closure, or I just really like the movie and I wanna see another story. Whatever the case, here's a few movies that I think could get away with decent sequels.

Beverly Hills Cop 4 There's gonna be another Indiana Jones, Die Hard, Rambo, there was already another Rocky. They're desperately trying to squeeze every last drop out of all of these franchises. Why not try to revive something good? The first two were genius. The third was a little too kid-friendly. They need another to rectify the franchise and show that Eddie Murphy can do another action movie. Somewhat action.

Coming To America 2: Going Back
They don't really need another one, but it would make me smile. The storyline could be about either a) Eddie's character going back to America to look for a bride to replace his one that died, or b) him and his wife have to go over to England/France for something that would make them have to blend in for some reason. Of course there would be Eddie playing 7-8 different character, but no fat suits.

Old School 2: School's In Session
That's just BEGGING for a sequel. Frank is still at the radio station. Beanie has divorced his wife (mainly because Leah Remini has packed them on since then and I don't want her in the sequel) and is banging co-eds with regularity. Mitch is still with that Grey's Anatomy chick and her little girl. Maybe the plot line is the frat being in trouble again at the return of Ari Gold and its up to the founding fathers to set everything straight. All ending with Mitch becoming a father-to-be and another hilarious song by The Dan Band ("I fucking neeeeed you moooooore than EVA!")

Good Will Hunting 2: Still Hunting
Sure, the ending was good o the first one. I'll admit that. But what happened afterward? Did he ever find that girl? Did Ben Afleck and crew ever make anything of themselves? Did Robin Williams' character ever have an aneurysm from holding in his spastic outbursts? Besides, where's Matt Afleck's or Ben Damon's follow up script to their Oscar-winning masterpiece? I want answers dammit!

Scarface: The Son Of Tony
I heard a rumor once upon a time about a proposed idea for a Scarface sequel. This made me happy in the pants. The story line wouldn't be far fetched either.

Elvira left Tony before it got ugly. Upon news of his murder and the threat on her own life, she flees to Los Angeles to live with her foster parent's sister , her foster aunt as it were. Almost a month later she learns she is pregnant with Tony's baby. Fast forward years later when Anthony (Tony's son) goes back to Miami and learns who his father really was. Using this knowledge and the few connections his father still had, he sets up shop in New Orleans and picks up the crack game where his father left the cocaine trade.

Blockbuster. I'm telling you.

Menace II Society 2: The O-Dog Saga
Only one of my favorite movies of all time. It deserves a follow up. So what if pretty much everyone dies in the end. There were some survivors.

Ronnie is in Atlanta with her son, who's a man now. Stacy is playing football in the pros. O-Dog has been out of jail for a few months now. Down on his luck, O-Dog goes to visit Stacy and becomes his main drug man, supplying dope to him and his teammates. On a road trip to Atlanta, looks up Ronnie to catch up, only to find that Cain is alive and well, except for a slight limp. After a week of catching up, Cain realizes what he's missing and develops a taste for crime that rivals the one he had as a teen.

Somewhat New Word: Racktastic

2007-03-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

I've learned adding '-tastic' to the end of any adjective makes it that much better.

Racktastic
(rak-ta-stik) adj.

1. A word describing a woman's cleavage in an unbelievably low cut shirt.

Example: "Did you see that shorter chick though? They weren't big, but they were racktastic"

2. A word describing a woman with...well, an unbelievably large rack.

The highest I’ve ever been

2007-02-28T01:22:00.000-08:00

Rule #1 for doing any drug...

Wait, Rule #1 is to NOT do any drug, but if you do, then Rule #2 is: Never do it with people you’ve never met before.

So I met up with some friends from high school a few years ago that I haven’t seen in years. One of which was my best friend in school (who actually wanted me to slang rocks,i.e. sell crack, with him at one point, which will end up being another story) and the other was just a good friend. We had a little BBQ going on outside since it was too hot to cook inside. It was good stuff. Then we decided it was boring and we headed to the bar.

After a few drinks, they talked me into meeting up with these girls they knew. Far be it from me to turn down the addition of girls to any drunken night. When we met, the girls said they had the perfect girl for me and we had to pick her up from work. “Shit, lets go get her then!” We pick her up and head to their place where their cousins or something were kickin’ it. Then the fun began.

In and after high school, I was a huge weed smoker. I dealt it some and smoked it heavily. Dealing didn’t last long because I would quickly go through my inventory. Not very economic. So whenever anyone whipped out a baggy and a box of cigars, I quickly stopped what I was doing and joined them. That included any girl I was talking to, which I did that night. I'm pretty sure we dragged her out that night anyway, so I didn't feel bad. Yeah, as if I ever do.

The girl we picked up especially for me was left on the couch alone while all her friends were getting plowed. I was in another room with two or three other guys, trashed already, passing around a blunt. After 15 minutes or so, I was in my own little world. I looked around to see one guy with his head back and mouth open, and another guy with his head between his knees and playing the drums on the floor. A forty-five minutes later, no change. Then I blinked and found myself on the couch. Literally, my eyes closed and I was in another part of the house when they reopened. I looked to my left to see my ‘date’ passed out next to me. Then I blinked again and found myself on a chair behind the couch while two people are now on the couch. Then I blinked again and saw them gone. After a series of blinks and location changes, I decided that blinking was no longer a good idea, so I stopped doing it. I stopped blinking, I think. It felt like it anyway. During this whole time, those same two guys where in that room in the same position they were when I left. Yeah, this shit was not just weed. When my friends were done doing what they do, I told them I was ready to go.

We waived at the crack heads next door (actual crack heads) on our way out. On the way home, I was told that I smoked weed laced with PCP. That must have been the reason why I was tripping and giggling all fucking night.

Fuckers.

I hate them now.

I fucking hate them.

New Word: Molesterish

2007-02-25T01:51:00.000-08:00

Molesterish
(mole-estur-ish) adj.

1. To be similar to a person who inappropriately touches females
2. A word describing most of my friends

Example:

Some Guy: I was really trashed last night.
Some Other Guy: Yeah. You were awfully molesterish last night too.
Some Guy: Is that why your mom looked at me funny this morning?

Signs Of A Bad Conversation

2007-02-22T01:57:00.000-08:00

Have you ever involved yourself in a conversation that you really wish you hadn't? Have you ever exchanged greetings with a colleague, only to be verbally offended and appalled soon after? Ever wished every exchange of words came with a warning before the inappropriateness commenced? They do, you just don't pay attention.

Bad conversation openers:

"So I was fucking my wife in the ass last night when..."
"Ever been to a donkey show?"
"I've had this itch all day..."
"Does this look infected?"
"Guess what happened to me at the doctor's yesterday."
"Is the free clinic open on Sundays?"
"My Mexican housekeeper is fucking lazy."
"You'll never guess who's girlfriend wasn't with you last night."
"What gets out bloodstains?"
"I was on MySpace late last night and...."
"Never drink milk at the beach."
"So I have this colonoscopy later today..."

Key phrases that signal you to just keep walking:

"...then she turned her head and puked."
"...my balls have hurt ever since."
"...and so far, they haven't found me."
"...it smelled really foul."
"...then she stopped breathing."
"...but I don't think it's contagious."
"...and I've been walking funny ever since."
"...and now my keyboard is useless."
"...I guess 'fecal matter' would be a nice way to say it..."
"...but I always thought the blood in your wrist was blue. I guess..."
"...apparently you're supposed to slit them longways and not..."
"...and now it burns when I...."
"...and from then on, I've always used condoms."
"...it hurts at first, then it feels good."

What's so good about a rimjob?

2007-02-20T01:40:00.000-08:00

I frequently check my statcounter to see how people find me. It gives me an idea about what my little site is saying to the world and what subjects I seem to be the foremost authority on (according to Google). I've noticed in the past two or three months that I seem to be the final destination for a lot of searches about rimjobs. Rimjob etiquette, rimjob stories, rimjob, rimjobs, and finally giving one's self a rimjob. Pretty unnerving stuff. Its even more funny since I have no actual rimjob stories found anywhere on this site. There's just this one post that says I know of a funny rimjob story, but I didn't explain any further.

For anyone who's never heard the term before (I'm looking at you Amish people...who don't have the Internet...to see what I'm writing), UrbanDictionary.com explains it best:

Rimjob
The process of licking the anal orifice of an individual who positions them self so that their ankles are place(d) behind their head/neck.

or even better:

Rimjob
To orally stimulate someones asshole in a circular motion, probably feels pretty god damn good.

I have never had my rim jobbed. I don't plan on it either. Mostly because you know once a person eats your ass, they'll always be talking shit. Tee-hee. But maybe I do need a good rimjob story. Since I seem to be the go-to guy for rimjob searches on the Internet, I feel I have an obligation to give up a rimjob offering to the public. It's really too bad that I've never been known to 'take one for the team', because there won't be any ass-eating done by me or to me. If anyone has a funny rimjob story, or just any rimjob story that doesn't conclude with a mess, feel free to submit one. I'm all ears...or eyes I guess.

Oh, and just licking an ass is not a rimjob. It's a common courtesy. Like a reach-around.

Some fun facts about rimjobs:

When you see it done in a porno, 'actors' have had an enema before the scene. Most regular people don't.

When you type 'rimjob' into MS Word, spellcheck wants to make it two words.

No matter how long someone's been in a relationship, don't assume they've given their partner a rimjob.

The word "Rimjob" originates from an Eastern European country in the late 14th century where eating ass was a civil service.

Word Of The Week: Half-Chubder

2007-02-18T03:11:00.000-08:00

All credit goes to my boy on this one...

Half-Chubder
(haff-chuhb-dur) n.

1. To chubder halfway
2. A desperate attempt at drunken sex

Example: I was too drunk for it to work, so I half-chubder for a while.

Actual quote.

My Google Keywords pt 4

2007-02-15T13:37:00.000-08:00

Jan. 30th

friends let friends fuck gilrfriend- 15th (yes, he spelled 'girlfriend' wrong)
lesson on lying- 2nd

Jan. 31st

daughter wears skirt so it's easy to masturbate when she wants- 4th (I'm never having kids)

Feb. 1st

I never use urinals- 4th
maximum number of times a woman can cum- 1st (I'm guessing 7-10?)
what makes you think there's a god?- 7th (I am NOT the person to go to on answers about religion)

Feb. 3rd

embarrassing drunk coworker hook ups- 2nd (if they only knew)
how to make ex girlfriend go through pain for what she did- 2nd (scary)
rimjob etiquette- 2nd (wow, I had no idea there were rules to licking ass)
drunk girls puking- 10th (eww)

Feb 5th

great butt floss- 3rd
sexy goldie locks and the three bears- 5th
eyepatch panties- 52nd

Feb. 6th

the great panty debate- 1st
native american girl gets banged at party- 26th (is that a hate crime?)
fucking drunk sleeper- 21st (that sounds bad)
give girlfriend rim job- 13th (what's the deal with people searching for rim jobs?)

Feb. 7th

cum in her panties and make her wear them all day- 2nd (memoriiieeeeeesssss)
my first rimjob- 2nd

Feb. 10th

making girlfriend feel slutty- 2nd (what's better than that?)
slam pig- 2nd (c'mon people, make me number one!)
calories in masterbating- 5th (there's calories in masturbating?)

Feb. 11th

girlfriend lying birth control- 17th
panty devil- 14th

Feb. 13th

how to get orgasimed?- 3rd (women seek me for orgasms)
convincing my girlfriend to give rimjob- 1st
my slutty high school girlfriend- 8th
i don't want to feel slutty- 2nd
girlfriend loves donkey punch- 6th (holy shit!!)
valentine from psycho ex-girlfriend- 1st (that would be something)

Music To Fuck To

2007-02-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

Haha.
Greatest. Blog Title. Ever.

I was going through my iPod playlists and I realized that I have the perfect group of songs for Valentine's Day. Download these songs, burn them or whatever, play them. If she's not pulling at your zipper by eight songs in, she doesn't want to see you naked. Or she's not into R. Kelly. But that can't be it, because EVERYONE is into The Pied Piper Of R&B. Enjoy.

Music To Fuck To

Includes:

Bump And Grind (remix)- R. Kelly
Your Body's Calling
Feelin' On Yo Booty
Honey Love
Tp-2
In Those Jeans- Ginuwine
So Anxious
Let's Ride- Montell Jordan
Making Good Love- Avant
Get It Wet- Twista
Feenin'- Jodeci
Break It Down- Tevin Cambell
Rock The Boat- Aaliyah
Doggie Style- DJ Rogers
All the Things Your Man Won't Do- Joe
Slow Motion- Souljah Slim